'Of Angus Beef & Anus Beep'

Firenze, Italia — Last Dec. 16 at five in the morning, I had and heard my very first Misa de Gallo or Misa de Aguinaldo or Simbang Gabi as an adult at the Christ the King Parish in GreenMeadows, Quezon City. True. The last time I experienced one was when I was just a young boy yet in Sampaloc in Manila. Mas malamig pa ang simoy ng hangin noon because there were no tall buildings yet around. There were even nipa houses that time in our neighbourhood. Nope, wala namang kalabaw. ‘Wag kayong OA.

And I remember too the powerful but sweet fragrance of our thick and nearly bushy Dama de Noche plants fronting our quite long house. We actually had two address numbers. And I also remember that during the Noche Buena and the Media Noche, we feasted on the very delicious Budin — from the old recipe of my great-grandmother. Budin is the leche flan mixed with queso de bola and cooked like a bibingka — with fire over and below. Hindi kami mayaman, pero ma-yummy kami.

I won’t forget those times, but for security, este seniority reasons, let us just forget the year. Ngek!

As we knelt the second time in the Mass, I whispered to my wife Eileen, “Ano nga ba ‘yong Agnus Dei?” I got a negative reply from my seriously praying mantis, este misis pala. When we reached home and while having breakfast, I asked Eileen to google Agnus Dei. What came out was “ Lamb of God.” “Ayun,” I said, “Dei is for God ... and Agnus is for lamb.” Then Eileen’s following deadpan remark almost made me drop my pan de sa — “Kaya nga may ANGUS eh.” Ngek!

Then I thought Angus  might really be a religious word or something good — kasi, this pertains to a breed of hornless beef cattle.  Yes, they are not the “horny” type. Well, maybe that is why they are always very soft. Ngek!

But did you notice that these special breed of cattle — guarded and preserved not to have horns — when the letters of its name are rearranged, could come up with Sunga? Dagdagan mo lang ng “Y” ... inay, Sungay na! Ngek!

And if you read Dei Agnus  in reverse, it becomes sungaied. In Taglish, it means “horned.” Horned beef? Ngek!

* * *

In reality, most of us would call the coming year either TWENTY-TEN or TWO THOUSAND TEN. But there’s also that slim chance some would be calling it TWO-OH-TEN. And in that minority, there is likewise that possibility to slip and say OH-TWO-TEN. Sounds New Year to me. And with that, let me welcome this new year with something explosive.

“Ootot’ nga ang kabaligtaran ng “totoo”

Kayat kwidaw ka sa sinasabi ng tao,

Pwedeng iba d’yay baliktad at ‘di eerecho

At galing sa bibig malapit sa buntot mo.

Katulad rin ng sa aso at pusa ito —

Magkagalit ngunit magkakabit ang kwento,

O hindi ba pag ang “pusa” binaliktad mo,

Unang tatlong letrang bubungad sa ‘yoy “asu?”

Kayat “gawa” pa rin paniniwalaan ko

Pagkat makikita at ‘di lang sa tenga mo,

At ang salitang “sabi”subukang isirko,

May “iba”sa una — ano sa tingin ninyo?

Buti pa ang “tingin” at meron pang misteryo —

Ang ibig sabihin ‘di mo masigurado,

Ngunit ang “amoy” ang s’yang pinaka-totoo;

Kapag mabantot, talagang mabantot ito!

Bagay na mabango ay talagang mabango;

Ang amoy ng kabayo’y tunay na kabayo

At ang amoy ng utot, utot na totoo —

Kaya nga ang ilong gitna’t hari sa ulo.

Ngunit saan nga galing “u..t” na salita?

Ito kaya’y sa tunog nito nagsimula?

At bakit nga ba tayo laging nahihiya

‘Pag masamang hangin tayo’y nagpakawala?

Natural masangsang dahil galing sa loob;

‘Di kanais-nais na singaw na nakulob,

Kahit anong bagay lalo’t sama ng loob —

Masamang-masama kapag ito’y sumabog.

U..t, oh u..t — isa kang palaisipan

Tulad ng panaginip ‘di maintindihan,

Lumalabas kapag puno na ang lalagyan;

Sasakit naman ulo’t tiyan ‘pag pinigilan.

Tulad ng panaginip lahat gumaganyan;

Pangit at maganda, mahirap at mayaman,

‘Di makakaila kung kayo’y dalawa lang,

Kung ano’ng kinain lalabas katibayan.

Subalit ang tao pag tumandang hukluban,

Pagpapakawala wala nang pakialam,

Ilalabas na n’ya kung kailan maibigan,

Napapagod nang ilihim kanyang kahihiyan.

May iba d’yang medyo naaalibadbaran

Dito sa paksa kong tila may kabahuan,

I thought, you thought, at bagong taon pa nga naman,

Pero meron yata kayong nalilimutan.

Susunod na taon ay taon ng halalan

Kaya’t masanay na kayo ngayon pa lamang

Sa ganitong amoy t’yak magkakaduwalan

Mas mabahong mga pangako lalabas d’yan.

‘Di naman lahat ang tumbong nasa bunganga

Kaya mag-suri at makiramdam ka bata,

At kung sa tingin mo pambobola’y halata

Banatan mo agad ng dalawang salita —

“U..t mo!”

At ‘yan ang totoo.

From Flatulence, este Florence pala, a very Happy New Year!

* * *

We went to another Simbang Gabi last Dec. 24. Still no budin and other sweets, but there were a lot of Swiss guards around. Yes sir, we had our Christmas midnight Mass at the Basilica Papale di San Pietro in Vaticano.   Ehem.

Boun Natale! Boun Anno! Joey to the world!