'Ngek, End of the World Na!'

Marahil ay nalalapit na ngang totoo

Ang sinasabing katapusan na ng mundo,

Ayon sa Maya, hindi ibon kundi tao —

Tatlong taon mula ngayon, we’re back to zero.

Oo nga’t sa sine lang ‘yan at ‘wag i-seryo,

Maaaring Maya’y mali lang kalendaryo;

Ngunit bakit bampira ngayo’t taong-lobo,

Tinitilia’t hinahangaan ng tao?

Pelikulang tungkol sa kampon ni Dracula

Aba’t biglang naglipana at dumanak na;

Dating “humanitarian” ay naging “vegan” pa,

At biglang naging fans mga binibiktima.

At isang araw abangan sa telebisyon —

Hindi lang larong Pinoy Henyo at Bababoom

Dahil sa pagbabago darating panahon

May isang patimpalak — Bampira O Bayong?

Mga kakaibang senyales at engkwentro

Tulad ng lindol at pagtutunaw ng yelo;

Ang pagkakaroon ng presidenteng negro —

Hindi kaya tanda mundo’y magreretiro?

Hindi ba’t pag may padating daw na delubyo

Hindi mapakali mga manok at aso?

Para bang tinurukang mga pulitiko —

Lipatan nang lipatan, parang sira ulo.

‘Di na raw mahalaga ang parti-partido —

Sabi ng isang seksi parang panty lang ‘to;

Bakit pa nga raw magsusuot ng ganito

Kung sa araw-araw huhubarin din ito?

Pero kung meron man o walang end of the world,

Maging idolo man mga vampires and werewolves;

‘Di na mauso panty, lahat tayo ay bold…

Just don’t putol the puno so we can knock on wood.

Kunsabagay mga ganito’y nangyari na,

Mga dioses at taga-lupa ay nagsama;

Mga tao at hayop nagsipag-romansa

Kaya lumabas si Pegasus at Medusa.

At kung sa Twenty-Twelve ‘di magunaw ang mundo

At nagpatuloy pa ang relasyong ganito,

Sa darating na panahon anong malay n’yo —

Presidenteng Bampira — First Lady na Lobo!

Pag nagkaganyan wala nang deskriminasyon

At baka matahimik na ang buong nasyon;

Mga tao’t aso sabay na aalulong,

Cristine Reyes at aswang sa iisang bubong.

Parang pareho lang kandidato sa ngayon —

Singbilis ng bampira pagpalit… pagtalon;

May iba d’yang sa pagsipsip walang hinahon,

‘Di tatanda… hangga’t ‘di nagtatanda bayan.

* * *

The fourth leg of Mel & Joey’s five European country Specials for its fifth anniversary airs tonight on GMA 7! Tonight’s episode is going to be Spain-ful. Well, medyo painful and sad din nang konti for this writer, because I visited the final resting place of my late father in Madrid.

As soon as we landed in Barcelona from Ginebra (‘langya, parang mahaba-habang inuman ah — but no, no fun and drinking intended — again, Ginebra is another name for Geneva), and even before seeing our hotel room, we urgently proceeded to take the bullet train to Madrid, where I also met up with my Spanish sardines, este, siblings. 

Talking about this “fourth leg” of our European trip, I couldn’t help thinking about one of the most famous attractions here in Spain — with four legs. Nope, it is not the bull.

The last time I was in Spain back in October 2007, I was sitting in a tapas bar and believe it or not, I spent almost an hour just looking at a large picture of this creature and memorizing its yummy parts. Here’s a pig-ment, este, a figment from that salivating moment one Spanish afternoon…

Cabeza de cerdo y codillo y manos,

Siempre el rabo, intiendes ba mi amigos?

At para fiestahan completos recados,

Ulo, paa, buntot de lechon, adios… ubos.

Papada para sisig y cinta de lomo,

Delicioso papakar pag malutong ito,

Naturalmente de jamon lalo na’t pasko,

Costillar, chuleta, pancetta, falda, pecho.

Carrillada y presa y magro de cuello,

Paletilla y solomillo y secreto,

Todos los partes de la baboy sigurado — 

Ubusando hanggang buto para sa aso.

Baboy! Balahura! Bastos at Salaula!

Bakit nga ba baboy ang tawag pag ‘di tama?

Pag hindi malinis at hindi rin magara;

May kababuyan pag may ginagawang masagwa.

Subalit ang baboy kapag ating chinicha,

Sarap na sarap mula buntot hanggang hita;

Walang pandidiri’t walang iniluluwa —

S’ya ang pinakababoy sa balat ng lupa.

Ano bang meron ka oh baboy na alaga?

Kahit basura nga ikaw ay nagtyatyaga;

Iprito ilitson, inihaw o nilaga,

At sabi pa nila — ikaw ay pampabata.

* * *

Baboy the way, since today is Sunday, also watch Joey’s Quirky World on GMA. And for your dinner serving, it’s Wow Mali right after Front Act on TV5.

Front Act, by the way, is an alternative comedy show produced by my son, Jako, and hosted by stand-up comics Mike Unson and Stanley Chi. Their special guest tonight is Vic Sotto.

Baboy the way again, there’s a rumor circulating that because Vic, Ryan and I have shows on TV5, there is a possibility Eat, Bulaga! would move to its fourth home on television. Abangan n’yo na lang sa Dec. 21, 2012!

All I can say is that we have already coined what to call the followers of TV5. If GMA7 is Kapuso and ABS-CBN is Kapamilya, TV5 is Ka-PANGILINAN!