'Of whores & horses'

ROMA, Italia — We are now in the final leg of our five-country tour of Europe to mark, celebrate and match Mel & Joey’s five years on television. But wait, I suddenly wonder why we use “leg” to describe a unit in a series of activities we do, when it’s clear to us that we’ve got only two of them! Bakit nga ba?

Sometimes, we use “chapter” or “phase” or “lap” or “stage” and even “stretch” — ano sa palagay n’yo? “Stretch” — I understand on account of its obvious relation to the “leg” (‘yung stretch marks naman sa thighs eh). Well, in our case now, pwede — because we do a lot of leg-stretching especially whenever the plane is about to land — and walking, too. Ewan. 

‘Yung lap naman kasi tunog nakakatawa. ‘Yung chapter parang bading na nanloloko. ‘Yung phase mukhang... mukha. At ‘yung stage parang tunog malubhang sakit. Ngek!

Anyway, today I would like to share some more of those small, funny things and information concerning this trip. But before anything else, today is also my wife Eileen’s birthday and would like the whole European Union and the world to know that I love her very much. Happy Italian birthday, darling!

Actually, Eileen’s special day is just one of the three “legs” in our family’s September birthday celebrations. So, my greetings also to my two lovely daughters — Jacinda and Jocas. Happy birthday, too... you two.

Speaking of birthdays, when we were in Brussels, we visited an interesting place very much like China’s Windows of the World and Amsterdam’s Maduradam. The place is called Mini Europe and this year, it’s celebrating its 20th birthday. It is a miniature version of all the best tourist spots in countries that are members of the European Union. It is one of the main attractions of Bruparck which is situated beside the only survivor of the 1958 World Fair — The Atomium. 

Eat, Bulaga! is also celebrating its 30 years in television this year — 10 years more than Mini Europe. Ngek! Parang mas matanda pa kami sa Europe!

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Do you know that in the fashionable area of Rue Saint Honore in Paris, DODO is a store directly across another shop called Patrizia PEPE? And worse, just nearby is Octopussy! Ngek!

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Back to Bruparck in Belguim, as we entered the main entrance, we were greeted by a few restaurants one named Snack Titi. The two gays in our group got elated... because they were very hungry.

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Still in Belgium, for the very first time, I was able to see “pis to pis” that famous urinating boy of Brussels — The Manneken Pis. Its “little fountain” is located very near the Grand Place — for me, the most beautiful square in the world. Ang ganda talaga! That square in Brugge, also in Belgium, is also beautiful just like Saint Mark’s in Venice, but the Grand Place is really grand... and it’s the place.

There are many tales on the origin of the bronze statue. One of them is a reference to the peasant lads of legend who extinguished fires with their urine. Naisip ko na naman ang Pilipinas. And please take this as a “piss” of advice: Sana, ipagpatayo natin ang maraming umiihi, basta kahit saan na lang sa atin — hindi ng estatwa — kundi ng PADER. Ngek! 

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Our third leg (ayan na naman— parang bastos ang dating ng third leg, ‘di ba?) was in Switzerland. One of my assignments was to interview a kababayan who now lives in a typical Swiss house in the farm-filled and hilly town of Emmental — yes, famous for their potholed cheese. Our team was coming from Geneva and going to the direction of Bern. Medyo malayo at hindi pa kami nanananghalian — it seemed that everybody wanted to eat anybody! 

So, we stopped to have lunch on the way in a place called Montreux. Anak ng put your head on my shoulder! Na-love at first site ako sa lugar! Swissmaryosep! Ito pala ang kanilang Swiss Riviera! Cheese ko po! Ang ganda at ang cute! 

Eto matindi — dahil siguro na-mesmerize ako, ang na-order at nakain ko ay medium-well Cheval steak. Ano ‘yun? Okay, let’s have a little Pinoy Henyo here — Baka ba ‘to? Hindi! Baboy ba ‘to? Hindi! Kambing ba ‘to? Hindi! Usa ba ‘to? Hindi! Tupa ba ‘to? Hindi! Anak ng tupa, eh ano ba ‘to? Ano pa, eh di KABAYO!

But whoa! Hold your horses... in Preakness, este, I mean, in fairness (sino ba talaga ang nagpauso nito? Pwede namang simpleng “but”), may talent; walang pinag-iba sa ibang steak. Pwedeng pang-derby. Ngek!

My apologies to the Animal Rights activists — because after visiting CERN (remember the Tom Hanks movie, Angels and Demons?), I became a research-freak. I now therefore conclude that in some cases of extreme hunger, you could really eat a horse!

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Just like in Amsterdam and most parts of Europe, Geneva has its own “red light district.” Our Filipino driver told us that these girls are already in their positions, I mean, standing in their respective street corners as early as seven in the morning. Wow, it’s true pala —“Early to rise, early to bed.” Ngek!