'Don't finger me!'

The following happened last Jan. 8 on Eat, Bulaga!’s Q&A portion of Itaktak Mo O Tatakbo:

HOST: Saang “D” na bansa sa Europe nakatira ang mga Danes?

CONTESTANT: Disneyland?

(The only Danish cartoon character I know is... The Menace.)

* * *

HOST: Meron nitong butter, cheese at barbecue. Anong “P” na pagkain ito na kadalasang binibili kapag nanood ng sine?

CONTESTANT: Peanut!

The answer is Popcorn. Certainly, the mention of “butter” misled the nervous contestant who associated “butter” to “peanut” and immediately thought of peanut butter! But do you know that the two words — popcorn and peanut — have been together as partners in the theater menu long, long time ago.

Before, when there were no malls yet; when first-run theaters charged only P1.20 (second-run and third-run cinema tickets cost only 50 and 25 centavos!), barking ambulant vendors were permitted inside the movie houses. True. Especially in the lower-class theaters you would always hear them non-stop, shouting until they sell out, “Ay mani, mani, popcorn!”

Yes, and that was the time too when we used to enter to see the big screen through those heavy black curtains. Pagkatapos mong manuod, paglabas mo at meron pang araw, ayun — silaw na silaw ka!

It was also the time when there was no bottled mineral water yet. You had to queue the drinking fountains. Malas mo lang kapag ang sinundan mo ay dumura ng may plema at dikit na dikit! Yakkk!

Ang laki ng pinag-iba ngayon ng sinehan

kumpara sa takbo noong panahong nagdaan,

mga mag-syota noon ay lagi sa likuran

lalo sa balcony at duon naglalaplapan.

Wala nang makatawag-pansin na ganyan-ganyan

pagkat marami nang motel na mapupuntahan,

nakakahiya din kasi para kang gahaman,

eh di sana pala iba na lang pinuntahan.

Salamat at bihira na rin standing room-an,

nang mawala romansahan bawas din tayuan,

wala akong intensyon usapan ay dumihan,

nagkataon lang — pati nga anthem may tayuan.

Ay ewan, ambot sa imo kung nababastusan!

“tayuan,” “luhuran,” “subuan” — ba’t naman ganyan?

ibig ba sabihin ng lahat ng salitang ‘yan

eh malaswa na nangyayari sa simbahan?

Sari-sari tinitinda sa mga sinehan —

may hopia at ice drop, samalamig na gulaman,

and believe it or not, dito ka kikilabutan —

meron pa ngang sa loob nagbebenta ng laman!

May double at triple programs pa... iba talaga!

mga baklang naglipana dala lang ay barya,

namputsa, ganyan noon, nalimutan n’yo na ba?

at sa dilim may naninipsip na... surot pa!

* * *

Yaman din lang napag-uusapan ang sinehan,

o, nasaan na mga direktor na batikan?

ang mga manunulat kuno na naturingan,

ano’t mga bumbay lahat kayo’y naisahan.

Slumdog Millionaire — iyannn ang pinapalakpakan,

isang henyo kung sino man ang nakaisip n’yan,

walang pinag-iba India sa’ting kalagayan,

kumbaga ang ideya nasa tabi-tabi lang.

Hirap nati’y matagal nang pinagbabasehan

sa paggawa ng sine at pinagduduldulan,

ngunit basurang ‘yan di magawang kayamanan,

pananaw na pandaigdig kasi kailangan.

Pati pelikula tayo ay kawawa naman,

sapagkat si Lino Bumbay kayo’y nalusutan,

kayong mga sigawan at sampalan lang alam —

ngayon batid n’yo na — ang indie para sa Indian.

Hoy, mga filmmakers nating puro kayabangan,

ang mga indie n’yo “indi” rin click kadalasan,

aminin na kasi na wala talagang laman

kundi hubaran, baklaan at puro daldalan.

Kung titingnan kasi Slumdog Millionare simple lang,

subalit tamang formula ang susi kasi d’yan —

tinalakay ang mga sungay ng kahirapan,

hinabi sa isang sikat na palatuntunan.

‘yan ang sinasabing halo ng hirap at yaman

para lahat ng manonood may pakialam,

magandang tunog at direksyon pa’y sasabayan

at s’yempre pa, ang nangunguna d’yay kasaysayan.

* * *

While having a late lunch on Eat, Bulaga! last Monday (Jan. 12), our topic for discussion suddenly rewinded and flashed back to the old TV shows. One that was mentioned was Mga Aninong Gumagalaw — an afternoon rater, aired either on Channel 3 or Channel 9, which featured old Filipino movies.

Then, our conversation switched to “translations” — Mga Aninong Gumagalaw was how our old folks used to describe what they see on the movie screens in the early days of cinema, especially when there were no talkies yet.

Then we talked about pinilakang tabing which translates to silver screen. At this point, TV director Bert de Leon said that there are also Tagalog terms and words that are not “translatable.” He immediately gave the word “kalabit” as example. He then dared us to translate in English, “Huwag mo akong kalabitin!”

Everybody was in deep thought. Then I saw our SVP-COO Malou Choa-Fagar by the door and about to leave for a meeting. I yelled, “O Malou, ikaw taga- U.P. ka, i-translate mo sa English ang ‘Huwag mo akong kalabitin!’” And the respectable Malou, while moving out, yelled back, “DON’T FINGER ME?!”

By the way, my new English translation for turo-turo is no longer fast food — it is now finger food.