Making a graceful exit

Death used to freak me out. It’s not a pleasant topic to open up a conversation with others. My life came to a halt when my mother passed away a decade ago and she breathed her last in my arms whispering “salamat sa’yo” to my ears as I hugged her. So when I reached my golden year and after my very own health scare, I got to think about death and frame by frame scenario more than I have to.

Ishmael Bernal’s Pahiram ng Isang Umaga sets the framework for what I intend to (how I wish) do with my remaining years (hopefully a lot!) before I come face to face with my Maker.

The movie’s plot could have been trite — a woman with brain cancer only had nine months to live — but in the hands of ace director Bernal, it dealt more on the realities being faced by the main character sans the hysterics of the usual melodramas on screen.

Vilma Santos as Julie has spent the past seven years of her life fending for herself and her son Jud (Billie Joe Crawford) without the help of anybody. She was ostracized by her family for being an unwed mother — her boyfriend (Gabby Concepcion) had stood her up on their wedding day.

Julie became a very successful advertising executive and just about when everything seemed to have fallen into proper perspective, she found out that she was dying. She made plans — and fast — of putting things in order; her son would have to stay with his real father, all her properties were distributed to her loved ones — bank accounts, real estate, insurance — and funeral arrangements were made with the help of her best friend (Vicky Suva). Julie came face to face with her former boyfriend and the meeting was quiet and pleasant — no tears.

Then, she opted to stay in a resthouse by the beach to spend the remaining days of her life where she met Ariel (Eric Quizon), an eccentric painter. Julie wanted so much to live but time was running out on her. In complete contrast, the healthy and robust Ariel tried to kill himself.

The beach in Botolan, Zambales had set the perfect mood for the mounting climax of Bernal’s opus. Long after one had gone out of the theater, one would never forget the top shot of cinematographer Manolo Abaya of lifeless Julie sprawled on the white sand. His extreme close-ups of the heroine in deep thought and closing her eyes for the last time really captured her sensitivity. Julie’s gumption was written all over her face. She had fought so hard to live up to the last minute.

I’ve seen a lot of death scenes in the movies but I dread the bloody violent types. I have no fantasies about going the way Julie did but I welcome the thought of putting my life and everything in order and leaving when I’m ready and fulfilled — peacefully.