The rich and famous write their own epitaphs and obituaries

Here lies the late man.

What a fitting epitaph for the man who is always late for appointments (presscons, etc.), making his friends tease him that he might even be late for his own funeral – that is, if he ever shows up at all.

And how would you write your own epitaph?

My favorite TV host, the Larry King, has compiled into an interesting book called Remember Me When I’m Gone epitaphs (and obituaries) written by the rich and famous themselves. You might have read some of them somewhere, but it’s amusing to read them – and many others – all over again.

Here are some:

• Patricia Neal – Show me Heaven! I have seen hell.

• Michael Caine – See you later, no hurry. Take good care of yourself!

• David Caruso – If my wishes were granted, my dreams would be smashed.

• George Chakiris – No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible.

• Ted Danson – Be back in a minute.

• Judi Dench – She had a great sense of humor.

• Peter Falk – How do I want to be remembered? Well, that’s obvious! I want to be remembered as the outstanding homicide detective who was in reality an undiscovered Picasso.

• Milos Forman – I am speechless. Trust me.

• Mariel Hemingway – Mariel lived her life in the knowledge that life is a test. She knew too well that her path brought pain as well as joy. Her aim was to observe both with equanimity. Whether or not she was successful is no of no matter, as now she exists in the ever-new joy of God’s love. The same love that envelops her now is guiding her family. In that knowledge there is comfort and all is well.

• Janet Leigh – Life is the showing forth of the very Self of God. I seldom was able to live up to that honor, but God knows I tried.

• Jack Lemmon – Jack Lemmon. In.

• Jerry Lewis – How do I want to be remembered? I don’t! I really couldn’t care less. If, indeed, I am remembered after I’m gone, I won’t know the difference anyway. I won’t be able to hear about it, or read about it, so my idea is this: I may open a chain of eulogy stores placed in malls, arcades, libraries, wherever there’s foot traffic. And people will be able to go into the store, pay the man a small fee and have him read all the wonderful things that will be said about you once you’ve bought the ranch. So with that in mind let me say, "Tell me now, not later, now, so I can enjoy it." If all else fails, how about "This guy loved life, and the people in it."

• Debbie Reynolds – Debbie Reynolds should be remembered for her sense of humor, love of her family, devotion to her work on her motion picture museum, and her love of performing.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger – I had fun!

• Martin Sheen – What I’d like to be remembered for? For about five minutes.

• Joe Frazier –I want to be remembered as being a good guy, one who always tried to help others in need.

• Billi Jean King – Thank you and God bless! I have had a great life, but I still have so much more to do!

• Erica Jong – Here lies Erica Mann Jong, poet and novelist. Since flesh can’t stay, we pass the words along.

• Stephen King – He tried to be better than he was.

• Calvin Klein – Calvin Klein by Eternity.

• Tommy Hilfiger – An all-American classic designer who brought class to the masses.

• Donald Trump – A man of great vision, who fulfilled many of his dreams, loved his family and was loyal to his friends.

• Hugh Hefner – I’d like to be remembered as someone who played some part in changing our hurtful and hypocritical views on sex – and had a lot of fun doing it.

• Liz Smith – Well, the great Dorothy Parker wanted, "Excuse My Dust!" I would have to change mine to "Excuse My Dirt!"

• Ted Turner – I have nothing more to say.

• Pat Boone – Pat Boone: Christian. Address for Eternity: Heaven.

• Art Garfunkel – Always with love, Art Garfunkel.

• Andy Williams – "Moon River." Thank God I didn’t record "Why Don’t We Do It in the Road."

• Yoko Ono – Imagine!

And Larry King?

This:

I would like to be remembered as a kid from Brooklyn who probably would have preferred to become a first baseman or a pitcher for the Brooklyn Dodgers, but who never made it.

I am, of course, proudest of my kids and madly in love with my wife, Shawn.

But above all, I would like to be remembered as a broadcaster who has perhaps interviewed more people than anyone in history, from kings and queens to presidents, from movie stars to legendary athletes, from writers to Nobel Prize winners, from saints to sinners, I have talked to them all. I am grateful to the listeners who have kept me going all these years, and I hope that 50 years from now when people talk about Larry King, they will say, "He did a hell of an interview!"

An All Souls’ Day prayer

Meanwhile, here’s an All Souls’ Day Prayer for the Living and the Dead, by Funfare reader (and my good friend) Dr. Henry L. Yu of Cebu:

Lord, for us who are still here on earth, help us not to forget that life is too short and uncertain. Never allow fame and fortune to transform us into somebody You never designed us to be. Help us to stay humble by looking back and be reminded of who we were or what we went through to become what we are today. A return to yesterday. A looking back. To become better. Let Your spirit continue to guide us in loneliness, justice and service to mankind. Lord, we thank You for the Gift of Life that You continue giving us day after day. Thank you for the privilege of being alive. Amen.

Lord, for those dear departed friends and relatives of ours who have gone ahead of us, we thank You for the Gift of Life that You once gave to our beloved ones who have gone ahead of us into the Great Beyond. We thank You for the blessings that You bestowed upon them during their journeys on this earth. We pray that they continue to glorify You with the life that they have lived and the way they made use of their blessings. We lift up to You our grief and sorrow, confident that You will change our mourning into rejoicing that our departed loved ones are now safely back home. Let Your perpetual light shine upon them. And may the souls of all our faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in Your peace. Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord. Amen.

Christian tops in Singapore

After making a name for himself, and spinning one hit song after another in Indonesia, Asia’s Pop Idol Christian Bautista has conquered Singapore this time around. His killer track The Way You Look At Me, has been penetrating major Singaporean radio stations in the past seven weeks.

The Way You Look At Me even landed the No. 1 spot for two straight weeks in top radio station 987 FM.

Shan Wee, 987 FM DJ, has initiated a SMS poll that would determine Christian’s next single release. After delighting listeners with Christian’s live performance on air, votes were cast. 987 FM’s avid listeners have chosen Christian’s own composition, Please Don’t Go, from his international album Completely.

This does not only affirm Christian as a consistent international hit maker, but a budding composer as well.

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