Coming soon: Melanie’s book of quotations

Asked not so long ago what she had to say about "sex and violence" in the movies, a popular actress said, "Piano nga hindi ako marunong tumugtog, violins pa kaya?"

Hmmmmm. Witty? Yes – if she intended that "quotable" to be so.

No, the actress "spokening" wasn’t Melanie Marquez who, like that one, is a self-confessed Madame Malaprop. (Note: Malapropism, meaning "a ludicrous misuse of a word," is derived from Mrs. Malaprop, a character in the play The Rivals by Richard B. Sheridan, 1751-1816)

I love my long-legged friend Melanie for, among other reasons (besides her fractured English), her way of unwittingly amusing and regaling us with her, that’s it, malapropisms on national television. During the passionate word war between her half-brother Joey Marquez and Kris Aquino, Melanie provided the "comic relief" by mouthing quotables, thus firming up her reputation as the (uncrowned) Quotable Queen.

The good thing about it is that Melanie herself is amused/regaled by those little jewels tumbling out of her mouth, profusely especially when she’s angry. She told me that she would have her TV guestings recorded and once she got home, she’d have a fun time watching the tapes and, yes, laughing at herself.

That’s the spirit, ‘no?

"Bakit," Melanie said during an interview. "‘Yung magagaling mag-English diyan, may Miss International title ba sila?"

Oo nga naman. Mayroon ba kayo?

Don’t look now but Melanie is seriously thinking of compiling her "Melanisms" into a neat little book like the pocket-size Mao little red book (of quotations, or Maoisms). Nice idea, isn’t it? It should be a best-seller (like President Joseph Estrada’s Eraptions).

When Melanie told me about it, I suggested that she jazz up the book with cartoons and call it Quote Me. But wait. Don’t judge Melanie just yet because, as we all know, she’s not a book.

Here and now, my friend Jonathan Chua (who’s a STAR contributor) has compiled some Melanisms for inclusion in that much-awaited book, to wit:

• My brother is not a girl; he’s a gentleman.

• That’s why I’m a success, it’s because I don’t middle in other people’s lives.

• Don’t judge my brother; he’s not a book.

• I won’t stoop down to my level.

• Hello? Bulag ka ba? Bingi ka ba? Are you dep?

• ‘Yung STD, baka sa maruming toilet lang niya nakuha yan.

• Eh, ikaw ba naman, durugin ang ari mo... Pag di ka naman manutok ng baril.

• We are lovers, not fighters.

• Kapatid ko pa rin siya. We are one and the same.

• I don’t eat meat. I’m not a carnival.

• Eto na po ang pinakamaligayang pasko at manigong taon sa inyong lahat. (During her acceptance speech at a Metro Filmfest awards night where her bioflick, directed by her late father Temyong Marquez, won an award.)

• Sumasakit ang migraine ko.

• Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay!

• Period na talaga; wala nang exclamation point. (When asked on S-Files if her present husband, Adam Lawyer, is her Mr. Right.).

• At a talk show after her break-up with Derek Dee, Melanie was asked if she had some words for Derek’s mother (whom she partly blamed for the separation). "Oo nga," said Melanie, "pero i-English-in ko para maintindihan niya." She looked into the camera and, with the peremptoriness of royalty, said, "And to you, Mrs. Dee, I have two words for you. Ang labo mo!"

Said Jonathan, "Isn’t she adorable?"

Oh, yes, Jonathan, she is, she really is!

Between now and the time Quote Me is published, I’m sure Melanie will be coming up with more quotables. The book will sell like hot pants (oops! that’s me, not Melanie) and there will be squeals (oops! there I go again) – sequels pala.

Stand by.

A Ghost Story, Sort Of

I’ve been keeping on my file the following "ghost story" e-mailed to me by reader Leandro Bolesa Lachica. I think in tense-filled times like this, we all need "ghost stories" like this one to ease things up a bit. Ready na ba kayo?

The Tagaytay Ghost Story

This story happened a few months ago along Tagaytay Road.

A guy was left behind by a pack of mountain climbers. They were a large group and the poor guy didn’t bring a cellphone. He crashed his bike somewhere between Picnic Grove and DBP. To make things worse, a storm came, forcing him to walk.

The guy was on the side of the road, hitch-hiking on a very dark night. Not a car passed by. The wind was so strong and he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly, just before the junction going to Manila, he saw a car slowly approaching, ghost-like out of the gloom. It slowly rolled toward him and stopped. It was raining hard, the wind blowing all around him. So what would the poor guy do? He got into the car and closed the door and realized that nobody was behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving again. The guy was so terrified to even think of jumping out and running for dear life. He started to pray, begging for his life. He was sure that the ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge to his death. Just before the car reached a curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car to a safe spot.

Terrified, the guy watched the hand reappear everytime they reached a curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran to the nearest place where there were houses.

Wet and in shock, he went into a store and, his voice quivering, ordered two bottles of Red Horse Beer. He told the people around about his horrible, supernatural experience.

Silence enveloped everybody when they realized that the guy was apparently sane and not drunk.

Half an hour later, two men walked into the same store. One of them said to his companion, pointing to the first guy, "Yan...Siya nga ‘yung sumakay habang nagtutulak tayo!"

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