Watching Miss U between catnaps

In between bouts of narcolepsy, half awake and half human, at 9 a.m. (sinfully early for someone like me who retires at sunrise), I thought – or rather, I was sure – that everytime I opened my eyes I was watching the Miss Universe 2002 being beamed live from San Juan, Puerto Rico.

I would catnap during commercial breaks. By the time I would wake up I could not tell Miss Universe from the commercials. One second, I thought Marc Logan (Grabe! Puting imposible, sa Tide posible!) was co-hosting with Miss Serapio, the school teacher "na matibay ang pinagsamahan with Standard Electric Fan."

I would fall asleep again until I heard someone knocking – and when I opened the door – who would it be but Diether Ocampo with new American Classic from Pizza Hut. Then I heard someone say, "Di ba tayo malulugi dito? Hindi, hindi! We’re not going to lose. It’s good business. Can’t you see? I’m working so hard." I screamed and I woke up to the announcement of the 10 semi-finalists.

I liked Miss Russia , Miss China, Miss Panama and Miss South Africa – Miss Philippines was not mentioned. Oh, well, what’s new? I yawned and consoled myself Miss Philippines must have been number 11. Besides, there will be another one next year and hundreds of Miss Gay beauty pageants in between.

I fell asleep again as the commercial break started. I swear I saw a man sipping a cup of hot Campbell soup. "Hmmm, good. I feel better." I just smiled at him. Anyway I was asleep. And then I heard familiar voices. Lani Misalucha, Janno Gibbs and Vina Morales were asking me to lean on them. "Why?" I asked. They just smiled. I simpered. "When you need a friend, I’ll help you carry on." "How sweet," I muttered.

And suddenly, I saw some feet in Darlington socks, that said "sa bawat hakbang mo." And then proud AMAers appeared. But even before they could tell me why they were proud, a mob of happy converts were chanting "parami ng parami ang bilib sa tigasing – speed sa kaputian." Silly, naughty, little me thought they were talking about something else.

But before I allowed prurient thoughts to distract my somnolent state, I saw Martin Nievera simply, amazingly smart with the longest human line holding hands behind him. Then Tin-Tin Bersola suddenly appeared with the number one exfoliant Exoderm that refreshes her face. Bernadette Sembrano and Cristina Pecson seconded Tin-Tin’s testimony.

Perhaps realizing I was in deep slumber, I had to be told again that "this program is brought to you by Rejoice, HSBC, Kodak, Max Factor." And that RPN is the exclusive station for the Miss Universe 2002. But how many times do you tell a moron this? I started to complain until I woke up again during the Q&A portion. I noticed my dream-catchers hanging quietly from the ceiling. I said "Thank You" for driving away nightmares. I rejoiced with Rejoice at the next portion – tried hard to open my eyes and ears, not wanting to miss out any word from the finalists.

I think the idea of having each contestant write a question was brilliant and truly interesting. At this point each finalist was made to pick one question from a bowl. Miss Panama got the question from Miss France.

"If you were to represent another country, what would you choose?"

"Puerto Rico… because I’m at home here," elicited screams from the Puerto Ricans.

Miss China picked her own question. She had to pick one again. And this time she got the question of Miss Nigeria.

"What is the biggest misconception about your country?"

"That the Chinese people are traditional, quiet, etc. Look at me," vivaciously declared Miss China.

Miss South Africa got the question of Miss China.

"If there is one weakness you need to overcome about yourself, what would this be?"

"I’m very critical."

Miss Venezuela picked the question of Miss Belgium.

Miss Russia got the question of Miss Costa Rica.

The five finalists in this year’s Miss Universe were all deserving. Unlike in other years when there would be some finalists who would surely be beaten black and blue in a Miss Gay contest in Malabon. All of them were pretty smart.

It was time for another break. I decided to stay awake because the first commercial was The Philippine Star ad, "the only paper you read from cover to cover. And truth shall prevail." I decided to take a cold shower, took my sweet time, sang Wildflower – "Let her cry, for she’s a lady, let her dream, for she’s a child – let the rain fall down upon her, for she’s a free and gentle flower growing wild." Then, I went wild with Kahit Isang Saglit – still under the shower enjoying the lather of Lush natural soap. Feeling like Miss Universe, I tried singing "Ikaw Ang Miss Universe sa Buhay ko!" I realized I was repeating the lines over and over because I didn’t know the song. I ended my bath with a promise in my heart that it was going to be a beautiful day.

By the time I got back to watching TV, the final Q&A had not yet started. The commercial break didn’t look like it was going to stop.

"Ok, fine," I told myself! It’s going to be a nice day.

Right after being challenged to "Take the Nestea plunge," it was finally the final Q&A.

The question was, "What makes you blush?"

Here are what the finalists said:

Miss Panama – "When people compliment me."

Miss China – "Right now!"

Miss South Africa – "When people make fun of me."

Miss Venezuela – "Oh lala! When people say something cute on me."

Miss Russia – "When I say the wrong things."

I loved the final question. I thought it was politically correct compared to questions about the Middle East conflict and America’s war against terrorism or Bono’s debt relief crusade.

I also thought that Miss Russia, hands down, deserved the $250,000 Mikimoto crown. I think the whole universe agreed.

My answer to the final question "What makes you blush?" When someone asks me, "Game ka na ba?"