Janice: Life without John

Janice de Belen. Unmarried woman. Single.

That might soon be the civil status of Janice, estranged wife of John Estrada and now more popularly known less as a drama actress than as co-host of two GMA shows, Sis (with younger sister Gelli) and S-Files (with Paolo Bediones and Richard Gomez), if the court decides in her favor on the annulment case she has filed against John (on the ground of "psychological incapacity" on his part).

The annulment petition capped several months of persistent rumor that John has, yes, "gone astray," turning Janice into a "martyr" wife (a "tag" Janice outrightly discards).

For a while, the Janice-John marriage was thought to be one of the most "stable" in showbiz, a town not really noted for marital durability, until that ugly rumor popped up.

Besides Iggy Boy, 15, her love child by Aga Muhlach, Janice has four children with John – Inah, 10; Moira, 8; Kaila, 6; and Yuan 3. The three girls are studying at Southridge International in Parañaque City, near the subdivision where the brood lives.

It’s the same house where Janice and John shared together for many years. On the Monday afternoon we went there, the house didn’t look sad at all, contrary to what we expected. John doesn’t live there anymore, having left a year ago to live (alone?) on his own.

Iggy Boy was in school while the four other children had just woken up from their siesta. Mommy Janice just came from a quick trip to the nearby grocery. Even without John, mother and children looked like a happy family. If the kids were missing their father, they were not showing at all.

In the following Conversation, Janice talked about her failed marriage and life after John.

You look okay.

(Smiles) "I’m okay. I’m pretty okay. I’m actually okay! Everybody thinks that I’m not. But I am... okay!"

How’s life – without John?

(Smiles wider) "Generally, it’s peaceful. During the later part of our life together, during the last nine months or so, masyado nang magulo. Fight dito, fight doon; argument dito, argument doon. Basta, magulong-magulo! There was a lot of lying (on his part) and crying (on my part). When he left home, one year na kaming virtually hiwalay."

Was the separation a relief, maybe, for you?

"Not really relief; I wouldn’t say it was a relief. But it did free me from a cycle of thinking and suspecting and worrying. In short, it got me off a rollercoaster kind of existence. Natahimik ang buhay ko."

What have been the changes in your life after John? After all, you’ve been together for 10 years.

"Ten years sana on July 5 last year."

Would you say that, in a manner of speaking, you were sleeping with the "enemy" during the last few months of those 10 years?

(Laughs) "Oy, not naman ‘enemy,’ ha! In fairness, we have had good times together."

Anyway, the major changes in your life...

"One major change is, yes, I’m working again – as in working! Other than that... well, nothing much. I just have my life back. Not that John didn’t want me to have a life of my own; in fairness, wala naman siyang mga bawal-bawal.It was just that I devoted my time and attention to my family. I hardly went out with my friends; plain housewife lang talaga ako. I was so scared that if I went out with my friends I might enjoy it and forget my family. So I gave up my friends. Now, I have my friends back, although I haven’t really been going out."

You also gave up your career....

"...and my social life. My social life was limited to going out with him and his friends."

What about sleeping alone again? Was it a major adjustment?

"It has never been a problem with me. I still sleep in the same room – by myself – while the children sleep in their own rooms. I like my space; I have to have that space. But I had my room renovated."

Was that part of your "exorcising" John from your life?

"It was just coincidence. When he left in April last year, niri-renovate na ang bahay namin."

What were the things that you had to undo to sort of erase any memory of John?

"Pictures... well, he and I never really kept pictures of ourselves, but only pictures of the kids. Siempre, if you’re an artista, sawang-sawa ka na sa mga pictures mong nakasabit, di ba? Me, I recover fast. Mabilis ako mag-adjust."

What about the kids?

(Thinks awhile) "Wow! How do I say it? Well, there was a time kasi that John was so busy that he had to have a halfway house somewhere in Quezon City. Traffic was bad from Parañaque to Quezon City, so he even sometimes slept over in his friend’s house so he could be at ABS-CBN for MTB on time. Kung minsan, he would even sleep in the house of my sister Gelli (and husband Ariel Rivera, in Q.C.). He would come home only three times a week, so the kids kind of got used to not seeing him all the time at home."

That was the time na okey pa kayo?

"The time na I thought okey pa kami.

Was the halfway house his own... his, well, hideaway?

"To tell you the truth, I don’t know, I haven’t seen it; I haven’t been there. I’ve never tried to find out where it is. What I know is that he stays there now. Doon sila nakatira ngayon."

Sila?

"Siya!"

What about Iggy Boy? He’s grown-up now (turning 15 today) and he’s quite close to John who treats him like his own son. How did Iggy Boy take the separation?

"I talked to Iggy Boy. I told him that it shouldn’t change the way he looks at John, that he should continue to respect John. After all, si John ang nagpalaki sa kanya. You have to be honest with the kids; you have to tell them the truth. You know, ‘Mama and Dad are still Mama and Dad even if they’re not together anymore. If they stay together, they won’t be happy and if they’re not happy, you won’t be happy also.’ I even told them that someday, their father will find somebody else he will be happy with. And you have to respect him still and whoever that somebody is. Ganoon ako magsalita sa mga anak ko."

Has John found, well, "somebody else"?

"Ikaw naman. Itinatanong pa ba ’yon?"

How did you know?

"I know. I found out. But don’t ask me how I did because I don’t want to go into details. Masyadong complicated ang pangyayari."

Was your marriage beyond rescue? Did you work hard to save it? And John, too?

"I did... I did!... I did!!...I did!!! I prayed hard and I worked hard. But instead na gumanda ang situwasyon, it got worse and worse and worse. I gave him my full trust. When the tsismis (About John and Vanessa del Bianco. – RFL) started circulating, I asked him about it and he said it wasn’t true; I believed him. I trusted him, e! I was the last to know. Sad, ’no? I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. Well..."

How did he leave?

"I was the one who packed his things. Siempre, may iyakan; hindi mawawala ’yon."

Did John also cry?

"I don’t remember if he did!"

What were the last words that you said to him?

"I don’t even remember."

What about him? Did he say, "I shall return!"?

(Laughs) "I doubt!"

When was the last time you ever said "I love you" to each other – if you ever did?

"Ako, I’m the type na ‘I love you’ nang ‘I love you.’ But honestly, I don’t remember the last time John said ‘I love you’ to me. Up to the time we parted, I was hoping that things would work out. But then... I’ve gone through the whole process – first the denial period, then the ‘anger’ period, followed by the grieving period and then the acceptance period. But sometimes, I must admit that I’d spend nights alone in my room crying. You know, you come home from work and the kids are asleep. I usually do some bead work before sleeping and while doing that, siempre, nagiisip ka. And that’s when I start crying."

You didn’t cry much when you talked about it on TV.

"When I guested on Jullie (Yap-Daza’s show), I sort of hinted that something was wrong with my marriage. That was early last year. A few weeks later, I guested on Pipol (Ces Drilon’s show) and that’s when I revealed that John and I had separated. I don’t want to go into more details. It’s pointless now, especially since I’ve already filed a petition for annulment of our marriage."

You’ve met Vanessa, haven’t you?

"Oo naman. Nasa MTB rin naman siya, di ba?"

Is it true that you confronted her (as in sinugod)?

"Not naman sugod. When you make sugod, you go there (spoiling) for a fight. I just dropped by sa ABS-CBN – to visit my husband."

Not to, ehem, snoop around?

(Laughs again) "Had I snooped around, I would have found out earlier."

Did you file that annulment petition in a rush?

"No. I thought long and hard about it. I pitied John. Hilong-hilo ang hitsura niya, nagkaka-problema siya. So I told him, ‘I’m giving you your freedom... I’m freeing you from whatever burden you have.’ If you’re happy where you are, so be it. ‘But,’ I told him, ‘in the course of my allowing you to be happy, I also want to be happy.’ Fair is fair, di ba?"

You don’t sound bitter at all?

(Smiling sweetly) "I’ve forgiven whoever has hurt me. I’m not angry at them anymore. Tapos na ako diyan. You know, if you really want to be happy, you have to let go of the anger inside you. When I say that I have forgiven them, I mean it."

Did you feel that you were immature when you got married?

"He was 18; I’m older. When you’re young, impulsive talaga kayo. You go with what you feel at the moment. But with me, I know what I want, so when I decide on something I know what I’m getting into. Klaro sa akin ’yon. The roles in my life are very clear – my role as a wife and my role as a mother."

John said he married for the wrong reason.

"He’s right. I guess we married for the wrong reason. Maraming wrong reasons. If you get married because you’re pregnant, I think that’s the wrong reason. If you marry at the spur of the moment, that’s also wrong. But I don’t think ours was a loveless marriage – I hope it was not... on his part."

Otherwise, you wouldn’t have lasted for almost 10 years; you wouldn’t have had four children.

Did you feel that one of you outgrew the other?

"Maybe not me."

Do you still love him?

(Hesitates) "How should I word it so it won’t sound so bad? With me, it’s either black or white; there’s no grey area. It’s either yes or no. When I decided that it was over, the next morning feeling ko recovered na ako. No regrets, no turning back, no what-might-have-beens. I have five kids so I didn’t have the luxury of wallowing in depression; wala akong time mag-self-pity. ‘Yung self-pitying period ko happened in the last months leading to our separation. Tapos na ang crying time ko."

Was John a good provider?

"He was a good provider. He was never remiss in his obligation along that line. I’m thankful that he treated Iggy Boy like his own son."

By the way, did you really give Vanessa a cake with poison?

"That was a joke. I went to ABS with a cake for the MTB guys. In-offer ko rin siya. I said aloud, in jest, ‘May lason ’yan!’ Somebody must have heard about it and told a reporter. Siempre naman, I won’t do that."

What if you bump into them together by chance... what would you do?

"I’d say ‘Hi!’ to them. Hi lang. Because I’m okay, kaya maluwag sa akin ang mag-‘Hi’ sa kanila."

Because of what happened, na-discover tuloy ang hosting talent mo.

"I was supposed to only pinchhit for Lyn Ching but they took me in as permanent co-host of Paolo (Bediones, now on a seven-week leave; with Richard Gomez as new co-host) on S-Files. And then came Sis.Hosting is not my line, acting talaga ang linya ko, but I’ve been learning a lot on the job."

Now that you’re working again, how do you keep a balance between career and mothering?

"Most of the day, the three girls and Iggy Boy are in school and only Yuan is left in the house. Most of the Sis episodes are pre-taped so I spend time at home. I often bring the kids to a nearby mall; pasyal-pasyal kami doon."

Paano ang arrangement with John?

"He can visit the kids anytime he wants to. Sometimes, he comes every other day; it depends on his schedule. We’re not friends, hindi kami magkagalit, but we’re very civil to each other. Hello-hi lang kami sa isa’t-isa. When he comes, I treat him like a visitor. I don’t expect him to roam the house freely. I’m not a hypocrite. You know, I won’t say, ‘Oy, chika tayo!’ I’m not like that. As I’ve said, no gray area; it’s either black or white. While he’s with the kids, tuloy ako with whatever I’m doing."

John has his own new love. Is your love life "on hold" pending decision on your annulment case?

"I would like to think so. In my case, it’s not easy to have suitors. In our society, ang stigma sa babaing hiwalay ay mas matindi kaysa sa lalaki, especially if the woman has children. That’s why I filed an annulment petition – to set John free and, in case I fall in love again with somebody else, para wala nang masasabi ang sino man."

What about the possibility of, well, a "second time around"?

"I’m the type who doesn’t fall in love with the same person twice."

Very obviously, there’s life after – without – John.

"Oh, yes, there is. Now I know my worth as a person, as a mother. I know where I stand and where I’m going."