Realizing what matters, beyond the grade

The GWA for summa cum laude is 1.20. My GWA is 1.21.

As someone who has tied her self-worth with academic validation, I was deeply disappointed in myself. I studied hard, recited whenever possible, overextended myself and yet, one elective that was not even required in my curriculum suddenly pulled down my grade.

For weeks, I couldn’t sleep or eat properly because I couldn’t tell people what I was going through. I didn’t even tell people I was running for summa for fear I wouldn’t attain it. Now, that fear has come true, and as I write this essay, I’m having doubts if I should even publish this. I’m scared to think that maybe people would feel and think the same way – that instead of being proud, they would rather become disappointed because a .01 difference could have made me included in the history of UP’s summa cum laude.

As I look back, I realize I never felt proud of myself. I never felt enough. I am even paralyzed by people’s judgment that being this vulnerable on social media even scares the hell out of me. But I owe this to my 13-year-old self, who worked hard to get to where I am today. I owe this to my 16-year-old self, who didn’t even imagine I would get into UP. Finally, I owe this to myself right now because she finally deserves to be proud of herself.

The unreasonable standards I have set for myself narrowed my vision of what truly matters. I forgot to be happy that I would cancel plans with friends, spend most of my time in my room or in cafes to study and just read and write essays as much as possible; that even when I’m out, I always have this thought at the back of my mind that I should be studying, I should be studying, I should be studying.

However, at times when I let myself be free from these chains, that’s when I feel most happy. It wasn’t my achievements or my grades that made this life worth living – it was when I played with my pamangkins. It’s when I would annoy Luis in his room, and he’ll hug me for 100 seconds so that I’ll let him borrow my jacket, or when Olivia and I would vlog or make coffee or fry hotdogs, or when she’d hug me just because; it’s when Primo is in a good mood so he’ll ask me with his most heartwarming voice to play with him or bike outside or watch whatever kind of car there is in YouTube; it’s when Chachi’s at home or I get to go to Cabanatuan to spend time together and do mundane things such as brushing each other’s teeth and being happy doing so.

As I learned in my Arts 1 class, happiness is therefore in the little things, the breaks in between, that we often overlook.

I was so focused on attaining the grade that I wanted that I forgot why I was studying so hard in the first place – to help build a society where kids would grow up in a just and humane country.

So, I hope if you’re still reading my monologue until right now, I hope you realize what truly matters to you the most and hold on to it. Finally, I hope you know that you are enough.

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Jennifer Marie Rodriguez graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Administration, magna cum laude, from the University of the Philippines-Diliman on July 30, 2023.