Very British

I didn’t watch it. I just wasn’t interested enough. Still there was no avoiding the reporting of the much anticipated Interview. Apparently it was two hours long and really sad, according to one of so many Royal Correspondents that were consulted at the beginning of every news update on radio, television or podcast the day after it was broadcast.

I didn’t quite know what to make of it and I found myself having to think quite hard about where I actually stand in the apparent Clash of Civilizations between American and British sensibilities that emerged in the coverage. I’m really awfully embarrassed to admit it is a Very British internal cringe that I do at the thought of listening to Meghan Markle and Harry Windsor telling Oprah Winfrey about themselves.

The actual issues they discussed are important and urgent. Race relations and mental health care are getting more attention now than ever before, since Black Lives Matter and the COVID-19 pandemic. Watching a royal family break apart so publicly over such issues is like watching a Greek tragedy. The thing is it’s not a play and these princes are not fictional nor are these ancient times.

The interview was definitely a performance and pathetic in the true sense of evoking pathos: a quality of pity and sorrow. Perhaps my discomfort is because these tell-all television events crackle with the cellophane of celebrity in the Kardashian era. People become well known for no apparent reason beyond a series of manufactured images on social media feeds; social media influencers shape their images with such enthusiastic and clumsy self-interest that any revelation can seem less like exposing a truth than a cheap striptease.

Buckingham Palace’s response to the interview took some time in coming, which in itself led to more coverage about relations between the Duke and Duchess of Sussex (Harry and Meghan) and the royal household of Buckingham Palace. The Palace’s four sentence response to the more than two-hour long interview firmly shut down any possibility that it would engage in a public row. “The Firm” has drawn a line under damaging claims of racism made by the Sussexes.

“While some recollections may vary, they are taken very seriously and will be addressed by the family privately,” was the final sentence of the statement. There, in a nutshell, is the American v British divide: the American style of self-important publicity, versus British understatement and embarrassment. In this case, according to the Sussexes, it masked a cold lack of sympathy, implicitly linked to racism; but it isn’t always so.

British discomfort is a theme of inexhaustible comedy as well. Actor Hugh Grant has pretty much built his career on self-deprecating awkwardness (and a floppy forelock). The blockbuster movies “Notting Hill” and “Four Weddings and a Funeral” are all in a sense examinations of Very British problems expressing emotions and dealing with difficult relationship issues – even “Love Actually.” It’s no accident that Richard Curtis brings in American and European characters to make the British seem even more uncomfortable.

Modern Britain is very different from the times when the British etiquette bible Debrett’s was first published as a guide to the aristocracy in 1769. But its survival itself shows just how important it is for some Brits that things are done properly so as to avoid the awkward social situation. Of course every culture has its own code of accepted social interaction. The British, however, have historically been known to place a great deal of importance in good manners.

As a result, spoken English is rich with mannerisms that convey a sort of restrained, evasive reasonableness. There’s a comforting reticence when people use phrases like: “I would suggest,” “I imagine,” “I gather” – and the adverbs “arguably,” “possibly,” “conceivably.” Their careful vagueness cushions the speaker from saying anything that might otherwise seem rudely blunt and precise.

When you listen to British people speaking, it’s probably advisable to be aware of the underlying, unexpressed and rather awful pain they might be disguising.

A few examples:

“Ah well, never mind, eh?” – translation: “It appears that everything has gone spectacularly wrong and all my dreams are crushed.”

“Ah, well” – translation: “Everything’s just as awful as you expected.”

“Mustn’t grumble” – translation: “My house just fell down, I’ve been told I have stage 4 cancer and I’m putting the kettle on.”

Sometimes the understatement borders on the sarcastic and twisted – being repressed hurts.

“Quite good” – translation: “A bit disappointing.”

“Very interesting” – translation: “That is clearly nonsense.”

“Could we consider some options” – translation: “I hate your idea.”

“That’s very brave of you” – translation: “You are clearly crazy.”

“I only have a few minor comments” – translation: “This needs a total rewrite.”

“Excuse me. Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – translation: “You have less than 5 seconds to move your bag off this chair.”

“Right then, I suppose I really should start thinking about possibly making a move.” – translation: “Goodbye, I’m leaving.”

I’ve noticed that the coronavirus pandemic has brought on a whole new branch of manners. A radio report the other day went into excruciating detail about how to manage the situation in the park when everyone’s out for a walk and no one can figure out who has right of way. There are quite a few articles that help people stick to COVID restrictions without seeming rude.

The Scottish government’s taken it very seriously and published official advice on its website. It’s practical guidance on what to do and say in difficult social situations. For example: A friend goes in for a hug or handshake. Changing how we say hello to one another isn’t easy. Being honest about it can make things easier. You can respond saying: “I so want to hug you! But I guess we have to wait until it’s safe. I don’t want to risk harming you or anyone else you are in contact with. I’m giving you a virtual hug.”

Beyond the comedy though, I like to remember that Englishman William of Wykeham’s motto from the 14th century was “Manners Maketh Man.” Whatever your background, it’s how you conduct yourself that makes you who you are.