Queen's Gambit

Imaldita: O. M. and G! It was inhuman, inhuman!

Yaya: What ma'am? The fact that you had to be respectful and courteous towards an ex-head of state when it was that over-achieving snip who should have been fawning over the glorious iron ex-First Lady butterfly that is you?

Imaldita: No, no, not that at all! Our relative heights have nothing to do with this, you silly goose! Or the heights of society that we were able to scale! (Although I do think the stratas I penetrated were beyond her Lilliputian capabilities). It was the deplorable conditions in which we found her!

Yaya: What ma'am? You mean the blankets that had a thread count of only twenty, or the pajamas she was wearing that was made of cotton-rayon? I so agree! So horrible! Even you wouldn't allow me to wear that in your presence.

Imaldita: Yes, but more than just that, or the total absence of Chanel No. 5 in her bathroom (Did you notice? I wonder how she takes a bath?! No bathtub! No vats of eau de socialite! Not even a single Dyptique candle to scent her surroundings! And she only had one tube of toothpaste! Que horror!)

Yaya: Well, ma'am. After all, she is in a detention facility. Bathtubs aren't exactly standard issue. And besides, with her condition now, I doubt she can splish-splash in bathtubs!

Imaldita: Oh shut up, don't spoil the fun, yaya. Don't make me regret releasing your husband from prison, which I will certainly do if you go on chattering that way.

Yaya: Yes ma'am. By the way, congratulations, madame. I see you are back to speaking pidgin Spanish after that fiasco with the Queen of Spain. Just remember, 'con gatas' is not Spanish for 'with milk!'

Imaldita: Yes, yes. Now let me go on. I wasn't finished speaking. I was about to say, it was the fact that she's only allowed visitors until 9 p.m., and then her family has to be shooed away. And then she's alone, so utterly, deplorably alone! Now that is cruel and inhumane! Such intolerable conditions! We should never allow this to happen!

Yaya: What do you mean ma'am? Isn't she under 24/7 care in that hospital? I mean, other prisoners aren't given that privilege. They have to content themselves with prison doctors who may not arrive on time even if  they're beeped and beeped. And visitors aren't usually allowed every day.

Imaldita: Oh do stop using normal prisoners to compare. Haven't you realized it even up to now? There are rules for us, and there are rules for you! Your rules don't apply to us. What is comfortable for you is ghastly for us! And what is acceptable to you, is simply not, for us!

Yaya: Yes ma'am. I do know that lesson by heart. The rich are special and full of privileges. That is why we are called underprivileged. But ma'am. I have never seen you this passionate an advocate for prisoner's rights. Even special prisoner's rights. What is the reason for this change of heart? Any impending sense of doom that you can't quite shake off?

Imaldita: Nyet! This isn't about the fact that more of my jewels were forfeited. This is about keeping my names in the papers. No one seems to be interested in my thoughts anymore. Or my views. My opinions. So I have to remain relevant. Current. What better way to do that than to reinvent myself? Yes, I want to be reborn. I will now champion human rights. I know all about them! After successfully violating them time and again, I am undoubtedly an expert. We will crusade for human rights!

Yaya: Yes ma'am, that's quite a marvelous idea. Human rights! Maybe I can finally get some days-off after 30 years of non-stop work!

Imaldita: Nitwit! Didn't you hear what I just said? Rules for us, rules for you! You'll get a day off when you get fired. Watch out, I'll do a Napoles on you and accuse you of stealing my jewels. Then you can share a prison cell with her maid.

Yaya: Ahem, correction ma'am, if my history serves me correctly, Napoles shared a cell with her maid. So, extrapolating from that, I do think it is in my best interest for me to support your current championing of prisoner's rights. Best of luck madame. (To us).