Behavior not performance

We learn from the very lessons that we teach but often times we also learn from those we teach. Below are just some of the gems that my 12-year-old daughter has managed to impart on me on occasion.

One of those came when I received a phone call from my friend Diether Ocampo who often times uses me as a sounding board or to ask for advise from his “Pader Cito”. The term “Pader” is not a reference to some priestly character but to the fact that if he ever chose to be on my wrong side, the consequences would be equivalent to hitting a wall or the “Pader”.

Since “Diet” lost his dad at the early age of around seven, I immediately understood his predicament since my father Louie Beltran also lost his dad at the same age. Recently “Diet” called to consult and after the phone call, my daughter Hannah asked why Diether refers to me as Pader. My wife Karen explained Diet’s circumstance and the fact that he needed a father figure in order to tell him when ever he was being an idiot or about to do something stupid.

That’s when Hannah set us straight. “Diether does not need a father figure to tell him he’s being an idiot. He just needs a girlfriend or a wife”.

I guess that explains why he seldom calls me to consult nowadays!

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When a long time employee recently opted to go back to the province, my daughter asked what would cause someone to inexplicably give up a good job and a steady income over a disagreement with another employee.

I told her about the entire argument as best I knew it and surmised that more than right or wrong, it was a matter that was all about ego rather than logic. Even the best employees can become so full of themselves because of their inherent talent and all the praise they receive that sooner or later they forget their place.

My daughter shook her head, looked at me straight in the eye and said: “Papa, boys and egos are worse than girls and their shoes!”

Yes Hannah and I hope you remember your words well into the future.

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While attending my daughter’s graduation from elementary just last week, I came to realize the similarity of GOD’s love to parental love. As names were being called out and awards given out, my daughter turned to me with sad eyes and almost apologetically said: “Papa, I don’t have any awards”.

I don’t know what got to me first: her confession of humility or her disappointment for not having something to present as proof of her hard work in school or not having a prize that would make me proud of her.

From the day we first brought her to play school some eight years ago, my wife Karen and I had long settled the matter that we were not going to impose such expectations on Hannah. We were not going to be performance driven — competitive parents like a “Tiger Mom” nor were we going to use every waking moment of our child to drill, grill and educate her. Grades and medals were not going to be the standard of measure for her intellect or of our love and acceptance.

Apparently all that effort did not insulate our daughter from the social pressure or measure that teaches them that worth comes by way of medals and awards. Recognizing her disappointment I immediately made it clear that we were not thinking of or expecting from her to get medals and awards. For good measure, I reassured her by telling her that I never got medals in elementary or high school and neither did her favorite Pastor Robert who happened to be seated in the front row. I told her that awards and medals was not the basis of my love and recognition.

That eventually put a smile back on her face, but our exchange of sentiments caused the equivalent of a very deep emotional wave inside me. Suddenly, I realized that this is exactly how GOD views all of us. It is not the titles, medals or awards that matter but our conduct and our attitude, the same way my daughter’s humility and concern touched my heart.

I’m sure GOD is thrilled when we do well in life and become achievers. But all that’s just gravy because be-medalled or not, our standing with GOD does not change because that’s not why he loved us. As far as his love is concerned it is our behavior not our performance that really counts!

As the wave of divine revelation began to calm, I suddenly realized that the emcee was calling out for “Hannah Coco Beltran to receive an award for Third (in) Academic Excellence and a second medal for Loyalty. I’m not the type to do memory verses but I’m almost sure that somewhere in the book of Proverbs there is a verse that goes: “Humility is soon followed by Honor”.

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As someone who trains people and companies about strategic thinking, I would be the first to appreciate any real life examples of how people practice or manifest strategic thinking. The funny thing about it is that when a child applies strategic thinking, we the parents label it as being devious or deceptive.

When Hannah was much younger, her Mom and I would take turns picking her up, as I had to go to the TV studio for the show Straight Talk. Their normal routine would be Hannah trying to convince her Mama to drive by Jollibee and her Mama either saying “Yes”, “No” or “Sorry but your Papa needs the car”.

One day after being picked up, Hannah asked if she could talk to me on the phone and our conversation was suspiciously short. Hannah: Papa, do you need the car today? Papa: No, I took the MRT today. Hannah: Love you Papa.. And then she hung up, turned to her mother and said: Papa doesn’t need the car, so we can go to Jollibee.

Bible verse: You do not receive because you do not ask. 

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