The Minority Report

These are the times when I want to be the inconspicuous fly on the wall, eavesdropping on GMA’s minority brawling over the residual spoils of the lost command. Arroyo-apologists Edcel Lagman and Danny Suarez traded barbs on who should now be the captain of the House minor league. Suarez claims it’s his turn as they had a “gentleman’s agreement” of term-sharing. Lagman isn’t budging, claiming he has the numbers. Imagine the script if Albay Representative confronts Quezon City Congressman — instead of media.

For the first time in ages, past crimes were being investigated with vigor and determination. The minority party had shrunk to 22 tentative supporters of the former oppressor. Last week alone, four more had deserted its thinning ranks to join the House Majority.

In these trying times, “Precognitives” were used to foretell what would befall the spent force. Heading this little band was Precog Edcel, a switcher from previous alliances. He was once a human rights lawyer involved in justice, agrarian reform and overseas workers’ affairs. His deputy was Precog Danny, a dyed-in-the-wool GMA-party-man who had steadfastly stood behind his leader, obsequiously catering to her every whim and caprice. He even took the tab [if not the fall] for her gustatory excesses, while she was Palace occupier. He secretly fumed that despite unswerving toadying, Edcel was chosen leader.

One day Edcel had a terrifying vision. He heard that the Little Boss had summoned ten colleagues to her suite where she was under hospital-arrest on charges of electoral fraud. He knew it wasn’t for a pricey dinner. Immediately he smelled a plot. He sensed his own ouster in the near future. He knew that Danny was relentlessly after him and his job. Suddenly he began to doubt the “system” he had always trusted. Tit-for-tat had always worked before. Something is going terribly wrong.

He decided to turn the tables on Precog Danny, who was already fantasizing about heading the Minority if he has to sell his soul to the devil. But Precog Edcel will not go down without a prizefight. He decided to confront his challenger. In classic confrontation, the rivals face-off and duel with words.

Edcel: So you want my job?

Danny: Not that I want it, but it’s supposed to be mine by now. Remember the term-sharing agreement we entered into in 2010? I reminded you last December.

Edcel: The term-sharing was if I became Speaker, in case the Lakas-Kampi-CMD Coalition had the numbers. It did not extend to the Minority post. Ano ka sineswerte? If we shared terms even for minority leadership, that would have sent defeatist signals already since we were still gunning for top post that time.

Danny: But I approached you at the last December session to ask if you had last-minute instructions and bills to push. Then I nicely reminded you about our agreement. Napahiya ako nung sabihin mong consult the minority first. You know very well that there was an agreement but you refuse to honor it. I would not do that to you if there was no agreement. You know me. Di naman ako ganyan. I’m satisfied with how you’ve led for 1.5 years. But you should honor the agreement!

Edcel: Di naman tayo kumpleto nun. 19 lang out of 29, maraming absent, kasi walang incentive. Talk about honor. Nag-caucus kayo ni GMA at Kampi, to plot my ouster.

Danny: Don’t mention Her name in vain! She has her own problems. She only said sometime in November that if there’s an agreement for term-sharing then it must be honored. I feel bad that you are dragging Her into what is supposed to be a quiet affair.

Edcel: You’re the one who’s using her hospital suite as campaigns headquarters. Imposible na di niya alam. Kunwari pa kayo! She was the one who called for the caucus, right? And her three constant travelling companions were there: Ikaw, Romualdez at Villarosa.

Danny: Baka mas type niya ako.

Edcel: Talaga! I’m an ally, not a stooge. Independent ako. I don’t always do as she orders. I was never part of her inner circle. You even got the most number of free ambulances during her term. Mas masunurin ka kasi.

Danny: Si Dado, 314 ambulances, libre. Ako tatlo lang! You’re always counting that’s why the Boss doesn’t like you.

Edcel: Look who’s talking. You claim 19 opposition congressmen are on your side. You must be using a derelict abacus!

Danny: Basta ako na ang Minority leader, sabi ni Little Boss. Naikalat ko na yan sa lahat. I will challenge you on the floor. I will ask for a vote sa plenary session! This party is not big enough for the two of us! I will not leave. Just join the majority!

Edcel: Majority of the minority signed a resolution to retain me for my responsible and credible stewardship, competent and conscientious leadership. I have their signatures. Ikaw, anung hawak mo?

Danny: Hahaha! Di mo kasi alam ang pork barrel rule. Whoever has the pork barrel — rules! Ikaw nga isang ambulansiya lang, kuha ka! P70M pa kaya? Promise may PDAF pati si Mikey, Iggy, Dado, Mitos at Buboy. Gets mo?

Edcel: Di ko gets!

The House Minority Report has no conclusion yet. An insider said Lagman should have seen the “writing on the wall.” During the long hospitalization of Arroyo before her arrest, the Pampanga representative had been “cool” to him and preferred to surround herself with people politically closer like Suarez.

A gentleman’s agreement requires gentlemen to implement. Wobbly alliances built on transactional leadership, quid pro quo, personal interests and political collusion, could disintegrate in a blink of an eye. Meantime agents of the so-called Strong Republic are blinking big time. The day of reckoning is near.

The Minority needs this fight-among-them, like a bullet in the head. With the former President-kuno, and her midnight appointee Coronarroyo on shaky ground, an altercation among lieutenants could be the straw that breaks an osteoarthritic back.

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