Long wait

This country is more ready for a law promoting reproductive health than for the legalization of divorce.

The status quo on marriage works too well for men in this country, and they happen to (still) have the majority in both chambers of Congress.

Without a divorce law, philandering husbands and wife beaters can keep beating and cheating on their wives without worrying about one day having to pay alimony.

Without a divorce law, philandering husbands can take mistresses and fool around without worrying about choosing between two (or among several) women and committing to a new marriage. 

For the macho men in this country, marital infidelity is part of the natural order. As long as a man is discreet in his dalliances, doesn’t beat his wife, and provides for his children, he’s seen as a good father. Deception, infidelity? Where’s the prohibition in the Ten Commandments?

In the absence of divorce, some Catholic couples, estranged from their spouses but unable to remarry, make a show of converting to Islam to give their union, even if not recognized by the Church, an aura of legitimacy. The famous joke during the short-lived presidency of Joseph Estrada was that in this country, Muslims were allowed up to four wives, and Catholics up to five.

Other couples, unable to solemnize their union because of previous marriages that remain binding, marry overseas. I guess some women just want a ceremony, plus a wedding photo to display to relatives and friends as proof of commitment in the relationship.

Maybe Filipino women are also partly to blame for scaring the men. Why do weddings have to be such an extravaganza that can drive a man to early bankruptcy? And do men really like to see women dolled up like Cinderella, with the price of the bridal gown alone costing the groom a year’s salary? Maybe a real prince does, and Britain’s Prince William surely can afford it. But what about the Pinoy Everyman, or even the average lawmaker, who must worry not only about his mistresses demanding marriage but also about spending for his sons’ weddings?

The status quo works in this country not only for the men but also for certain types of women, whose lives are defined by their husbands. Certain wives of politicians and big businessmen fall in this category. Never mind if they’re treated like doormats, as long as they’re expensive doormats.

Several estranged couples have been known to reunite in the name of political expediency. The higher the position being aspired for, the bigger the incentive for marital reconciliation, even if only for show.

Family fortunes are built on political power in this country. And at a certain age, it’s probably easier for estranged couples to live with superficial reconciliation in the name of political and family survival. At a certain age, they can expect only a few more years of survival and sacrifice, so the pretty young thing or hunky dance instructor can be dispensable.

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I can understand the argument for couples staying together for the children’s sake long after the love, or lust, or whatever you want to call the spark that ignites a relationship, is gone.

But I also know enough people who will tell you, based on experience, that parents fighting endlessly as they stay together is truly hell on Earth. Seeing parents lying to each other, insulting each other – seeing love gone from the household – can leave deep scars on children.

One of the worst things in the world for a child has to be coming home and seeing his parents openly hating each other. It’s surely worse when the child sees the mother being beaten by her husband.

I’ve known several battered women, well educated and financially independent, who were too embarrassed to file criminal complaints against the lemons they married. Several of them separated from their husbands as soon as they thought their children were grown up enough to understand. The women gave up claims to conjugal property just to hasten the separation. Some of them have found new loves, but cannot legitimize their union in the absence of divorce in this country.

They might have a long wait. Congress is expected to focus on the RH bill first before tackling divorce. And the divorce bill, as it stands, provides for several years of waiting, with at least five years of actual separation, before divorce is approved.

But there’s a generation growing up in this country that is used to seeing parents separated, and might give a stronger push for divorce. This generation will want happy unions well into their senior years, and may realize that living happily ever after till death isn’t for everyone.

Overseas, we are seeing more elderly couples breaking up. As one opinion writer in the US noted, commenting on the end of decades-old unions such as those of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver, divorces among senior citizens were not common in previous generations because back then, people didn’t live long enough to want a new life at 60.

But this is in the United States.

In the Philippines, even if congressmen are set to tackle the divorce bill, don’t hold your breath. Divorce proponents are in for a long wait.