Catching up

“Lets do lunch” or “Just catching up” are two phrases that have caught my attention lately, and to be honest, I’ve developed a distinct dislike for how these phrases have sucked the life out of relationships.

You have to wonder why modern day Filipinos regularly use the phrase “let’s do lunch ” or “we should get together soon” without meaning it.

We all know that these lines are nothing but a small hook on a thin line that we throw at each other, just to stay connected.

We all know that those lines are veiled statements that say: “I want to stay in touch, but I don’t want to commit myself to a time and place unless I really have to. In other words I’m being polite!”

Unfortunately things have gone so off course so much so that we all believe that we need to have an “agenda” in order for us to be able to “do lunch”. Gone are the days of shooting the breeze and breaking bread, which is where friendship originally resided.

I realize that dressing up, getting out of the house, going through traffic, finding parking space or simply commuting can be inconvenient or unpleasant. So many of us simply avoid “get-togethers” unless absolutely necessary.

But such avoidance behavior has created a bizarre and dark consequence. We now have our “get-togethers” at hospitals or funerals!

There we “catch up” on each other’s life, count how many friends or former colleagues have fallen ill or died ahead of us. We network on business possibilities and if schedule permits, we actually go to some restaurant to share a meal. Something we have not done for years.

And then as we all say goodbye we tell each other: “lets do lunch” or “let’s get together soon”.

Imagine if that happens to be at “your” funeral.

I’ve always said that the biggest turn off to me, about “my” funeral would be the fact that I would simply be part of the furniture instead of being the “life of the party”.

* * *

The second phrase: “just catching up” is our knee-jerk reply to people when they ask us why we called or why we’re paying them a visit.

To begin with, it really surprises me how things have changed through time. In my younger days, I remember how people “worldwide” used to delight in having visitors. Back then the first thing people would say when you called or dropped by to visit was “how nice to see you, or hear from you”.

If they were surprised, they never failed to say it was a PLEASANT surprise! At the end of the call or the visit, your host would always say: “it was wonderful of you to call or drop by”.

Nowadays, I hide my bewilderment when even my own relatives or friends would ask “Why” I called or came to visit?

This change in reaction and reception has nothing to do with economics, inconvenience, or changing protocol on calls and visitations. We are not in prison.

I think that we have simply adopted foreign terms, phrases and behavior from western TV that have casually robbed us of sincerity, and appreciation of relationships.

When people ask why we call or come to visit, we respond by saying “Just catching up” because we don’t want to put meaning or burden into our actions. Unfortunately it also robs us of the opportunity to express our love, concern or interest in our relationship with that person.

It would be a total waste of time and effort if the only reason you have for calling or paying a visit is: “Just catching up”. On the other side of things, that phrase automatically prevents me from appreciating your effort and intention to see me or call me if you trivialize it by saying “just catching up”.

Yes, “actions may speak louder than words”, but you hear words faster than you can figure out the meaning of one’s actions.

* * *

Like many, I too have been guilty of saying, “let’s do lunch” without careful thought or consideration. Until one day I became the recipient of this trivial suggestion from someone I earnestly wanted to build a friendship with.

I took him up on his suggestion a week later, which was pushed back a week later, which was cancelled due to a bad cough and then an out of town trip. Obviously his word was more of a suggestion than an expression of sincerity.

From that time on, my ears would prick and tingle whenever people casually muttered: “lets do lunch soon”. Like TV characters, I knew there would be no reruns of these encounters very soon.

So here I am, making a clarion call and getting in peoples’ face whenever they utter the blasphemous phrase: “let’s do lunch”. Sure we can do lunch, we can have dinner, we can do whatever, but name the time and place now!

Don’t leave it as a hanging compliment or a premature half-developed expression of friendship. Because that is what it is, an unfinished statement of your interest and appreciation of others. The full invitation is the equivalent of a full compliment.

As for the phrase “just catching up”, it’s time to delete it from our dictionary and mindset. As popular as it may sound, I find it to be erroneous in terms of language and expression.

When we make an effort to connect or communicate we are expressing affection or concern and not some trivial spur of the moment. If you want to be “in touch” with your feelings try verbalizing them.

Until I learned to say, “I love you” to people I cared for, many of them did not fully grasp the depth of my concern and commitment. We give value to people by saying what we feel, not by “catching up”.

* * *

[email protected]