Mash-up Mercy

Merceditas Gutierrez, our Ombudsgirl, is now facing impeachment charges in Congress.  She is accused of deliberately failing to act on complaints against powerful government officials allied with the former President Arroyo, the woman who anointed her with this power. 

Here are her answers to some questions raised by the press during a press conference this week.  Now, I had some questions of my own to this public official named Mercedes.  These questions have entirely no basis except my fertile imagination, but since this is a work of fiction, I thought maybe Merceditas’ existing answers would do just as well for Mercedes.  Confusion, deliberate.

Me: So, Mercedes, it is an acknowledged fact that you were classmates with the husband of Gloria Arroyo during law school.  But what truth is there to the rumours that you had a schoolgirl crush on him, and in fact one time swiped a sweaty t-shirt that he had discarded one hot summer day when you were studying for your remedial exams in the subject you had both failed, Legal Ethics? Don’t you think that was a bit desperate?

Her: “If you are in my position, you will feel the same.”

Me: So did you ever get the nerve to tell him about your hidden desires?  What did you tell him to try to make him notice you from among all the other colegialas competing for him?

Her: “I am bringing my woes to you. This is for you not just to know my position, but for you to understand how I feel.” 

Me:  I’m sure it must have been difficult when he told you that he was deeply in love with his future wife, whom his fortune teller had predicted would one day be one of the most powerful women in the planet, and that you were becoming a pest.  Did you accept this rejection, and what can you say about the accusation that you were becoming a scary stalker?

Her: “Why should I resign, when after this I will be vindicated, I will be cleared of these charges?”

Me:  But he did marry his wife, and it seems the union has been happy.  Don’t you think you should just let them alone and not show up every now and then at his doorstep singing sappy love songs?

Her: “What now, I will keep quiet and not say anything?”

Me: But Mercedes, this obsession is becoming a distraction.  They say you can’t function and have done nothing at all during your term!

Her: “As of now, I’ve resolved 35,000 cases.”

Me: I’m concerned about you, Mercedes. (Cough) Maybe you should get professional help.  Or if not, it sometimes helps to relax, get a massage, listen to classics and just kick back with a glass of wine.

Her: “What is this, a one-way ticket to the blues?”

Me:  Sorry Mercedes.  Just friendly advice.  But Mercedes, dear, I hate the fact that your very first memo when you assumed your post was to make it more difficult for ordinary persons like me to get hold of the Statement of Assets and Liabilities that all public officials are required to file.  Don’t you think this was so obvious a way to protect your powerful friends, and that you showed, as early as this, that your only agenda was to keep your friends safe and warm in their cushy mansions?

Her:  “If you are in my position, you will feel the same.”

Me:  Well, I don’t really relish the thought of being in your position, but that’s beside the point.  Anything to say about the impeachment process that’s on going?  What can you say about the editorials in the newspapers that seem to have cast you as the bad girl du jour?

Her:  “Don’t you see I’m being tried by publicity?”

Me:  Well, not really.  The impeachment process isn’t trying to make you look guilty in the eyes of the public, they’re just trying to find you guilty, period.  What are the defences that you plan to raise on next week’s hearing?

Her:  “My lawyer and I will still talk, but I think I need not appear.  Even before the impeachment complaint was filed, I was already considered guilty.”

Me: Oh that’s too bad, Mercedes.  We were really looking forward to seeing your outfit en route to being grilled. 

 (Gutierrez’s quotes found in Philippine Daily Inquirer, March 5, 2011.)