Letter to the Editor – Lapu-Lapu's new perfume factory

It look's like the Big Pugapo has hired a new public relations consultant and has appointed him the new CEO of the Lapu-Lapu Perfume Factory. This factory has been working overtime since last year, creating all sorts of spin and pahumot stories for the scam ridden city administration. The new chief perfumer, who's past work experience includes doing marketing blitzes for a well-known telecom firm, used to operate the now defunct Mandaue Perfume Works which was shut down after the political demise of his once untouchable client and patron.  Let us hope he does not lose his touch.  Despite his creative attempts to deodorize the image of that once powerful and almighty politician, the poor fellow still suffered an embarrassing defeat in the last election.  He should stick to selling cellphones. After all, the perfume business has been a disaster in the Philippines.  Improving the scent of something rotten is extremely difficult and tricky.  The combination of foul and fair does not result in a saleable new scent. They are chemically incompatible.  Just look at these examples of the latest scents created by the new master perfumer:

Pugapeaux No. 5 - This concoction made to wipe out all traces of any smelly scam has required the use of several talented perfumers who bombard us daily with sweet nothings and praise releases on radio, tv and print. Included in the mix are announcements of awards, giving out recognition plaques and similar pasalamat stunts using reluctant and sheepish props, and repetitious survey results most of which have nothing that can be attributed to the Big Pugapo.  The printing of resolutions by lapdogs, hosting lavish Shangrila parties, public relations events and Kadaugan spectacles with famous personalities, are all part of the formula.  Excluded, however, are honest explanations of the overpriced purchases, transparency, proper accounting and public disclosure of use of city funds, state of the roads, garbage and squatters and similar essential ingredients required for a truly great perfume.  As a result, this one is suitable only for lapdogs begging for a bone, and the chorus of the musical "Everything is Great in Lapu-Lapu".

Fleur de Computer - An audacious attempt to confuse logical sensory perceptions. Even the First Lady of the P26 million Girl Scout Scam and extravagant ASEAN expenses fame has been enlisted to help show the world that it is normal to buy a P17,000 computer for P50,000! Gadzooks!  Just throw in a P1,000 flimsy table and chair and call it a work station. Then ask the supplier to surreptitiously change the specifications almost 2 years after the fact, and -- Voila! We still have an overpriced computer!  OK. Add an AVR and installation charge that should have been included in the first place, and use Grade 3 pupils to give testimonials thanking Pugapo for giving them one computer instead of two or three for the same price. So are we now expected to ululate with delight?  No way. This new fragrance is only for idiots and suckers.

Eau de Wigelle - Inspired by the mother and son duo previously at odds but now allied with Pugapo, and  known for their awesome storytelling talents. This elaborate and complex scent, despite repetitive bursts and massive doses since September 2007 when it was first distilled in the lab of the previous chief perfumer, repeatedly advertised in local newspapers, and reincarnated with imaginative new essences -- has not produced any appealing whiff of credibility.  Baheaux gihapon si Pugapeaux.

Efrain T. Pelaez Jr.
Mactan Island Chamber of Commerce and Industry