How can love so right be so wrong?

I have not seen such a young beautiful classic Filipina face for so long. So fresh, so innocent, but so hurt. I did not notice it right away but the minute she spoke, as restrained and gentle as she sounded, I felt the anguish, confusion and discouragement.

Anna had gone out of her way to find me in a crowd of 180 campers, perhaps hoping to find solace if not answers for a “crisis” so simple, yet so life changing. She started out by talking about her feelings for a young man. How she was beginning to have serious “feelings” for him and how she was ready to make a decision to have a relationship with him.

Up to that point I was listening to a “standard” story until I learned that “he” was “Chinese” and that the boy’s family would not accept a non-Chinese girlfriend, and certainly not for a wife.

What I heard threw me back in the past (about 28 years ago) when I too was “in love” with a lovely intelligent “Chinese” girl. For about one year we carried on a romance that was certainly emotional, romantic and forbidden. Every day her sister “Eagle eyes” would take her to school and every afternoon her Chinese suitor/boyfriend would fetch her like an obedient puppy. In between I would keep her company like Indiana Jones inside the temple of Doom.

Story has it that my Dad actually had dinner with her father concerning the situation since they both knew each other and respected each other. As the night ended my girlfriend’s father told my Dad in the kindest, most diplomatic way “We are friends but the truth is ‘we’ are Chinese and your son is not. My daughter has to marry Chinese”.

Taiwan Suzy

A very close friend who I lovingly call “The man from Macau” is as Chinese as anyone can get, but even he became “a victim of the China syndrome”.

It was in the summer of ’61 when he met and fell in love with Suzy, a young, beautiful, eloquent lady from Taiwan. After a whole week of romance Johnny was smitten and boldly arrange to see Suzy in her homeland and planned the meeting and the presentation to her parents. He was a young Chinese businessman from the Philippines and she was a beautiful Chinese lady, the daughter of a general.

When Johnny arrived in Taiwan he was quickly told to go back to the Philippines because Suzy’s hand was already given in marriage to someone. Johnny arrived 20 years too late. An arranged marriage had been made while Suzy was still playing with dolls. To add insult to injury, he was told to leave Taiwan if he valued his life.

Johnny returned ten years later to learn Suzy refused to marry “the chosen one”, and to spite her parents for her broken heart, she married a white, American missionary! To top it all, Suzy wanted to heap the ultimate insult by running off with Johnny. They almost did but Johnny never made it to the airport.

In the past few weeks, I have counseled several young Filipino Chinese professionals who have been suffering different kinds of broken hearts. One that remains a classic is the obedient child with a broken heart. As toddlers they received a river of love and attention, but when they learned to read and write, their lives transformed into a life that was almost like being in a military camp or martial arts temple, where you were drilled and grilled with math, mandarin and the art of war or business.

It was never enough to pass in class. That would dishonor your parents. Sons and daughters start out being trained and disciplined in the family business but ending up as underachievers and mere employees in the small family store. How could so much love undermine so much potential?

Colleen, on the other hand, is a dedicated daughter. Being the eldest she has been entrusted to run the family business. Despite her dedication she suffers the daily humiliation of having to punch in and out. After her daily 8- to 10-hour grind she is still required to sit in the family dinners, leaving her little personal or social time.

Colleen is but one of many Chinese Filipino women who are the eldest children burdened with the responsibility to run the family business and take care of the parents, given little opportunity to meet people or potential husbands, eventually threatened by their biological clock while humiliated by the punch clock and silently expected to produce grandchildren.

As a born again Christian Colleen continued to perform her duties but one day her faith finally confronted her culture.

Colleen noticed discrepancies in their company’s tax records and payments. In trying to do a good job she discovered the typical cheating that “fathers” do in order to save money: avoid paying taxes to make profits. Colleen did what was right and lawful and made plans to pay the correct taxes.

When his accountant told Colleen’s father, the old man went ballistic and berated Colleen like she was just a stupid employee. Hurt, confused, and humiliated Colleen turned to strangers because the family she loved had turned against her.

How is it possible that we try our best to raise moral and responsible children, but once they are old enough to be in the business, we then turn them into criminals?

We give them all our love but we break their hearts because of race, color or creed. Our ancestors left their homeland and made this country their home. This is where we came to life, where we make a living yet we make distinctions in culture and promote the lie that it is not worthy to share in the wealth it has given us.

Your children are supposed to be your crown of glory, not your employees. Don’t push them away hurting because you will reap what you sow when you are old, when you are feeble, and when you are most alone. Then you will realize how you dishonored the gifts that God gave you….your children.