Relational traps

In today’s Gospel message, Jesus offers the magic key to conflict – resolution between husband and wife, between parent and daughter or son, and between siblings

Very often, in relational conflicts within the family, we tend to focus on the self as the aggrieved party, and the other as the aggressor.

From a wife: "Itigil lamang niya ang kaniyang pangangaliwa, at tatahimik na ang aming buhay."

From a husband: "Magbago lang iyong asawa kong bungangera at dominante ay malulutas na ang aming problema."

From a son: "Maunawaan lang ako ng aking nanay ay tatahimik na ang aming pagsasama."

From a daughter: "Yang kapatid kong ulol walang pakiraramdam. Kailangan magbago!"

But human history and experience tells us, without the shadow of a doubt, that it takes two to tango. And if each one keeps focusing primarily on what is wrong with the other, the conflicted pair will unconsciously cooperate in reinforcing the problem between them ad infinitum.

The breakthrough will come when each one starts to focus on the self: "In all truth and honesty, what am I contributing to the problem?" And for this to be answered accurately and objectively, I need to listen to God’s presence within me, in my deepest conscience. What is the Lord trying to tell me?

This is the beginning of mutual conversion. This is the meaning of Jesus’ punchline in today’s Gospesl message: "Let the one among you who without sin be the first to throw a stone at her" (Jn. 8:7).

Let’s go back to that wife whose husband was nangangaliwa. When she began to reflect on what she might be contributing to their marital problem, several realizations came to her awareness, one by one. First was her physical appearance. After the three children came one after the other, she simply neglected her make-up, her hairdo, and her figure. Whereas before she was always mabango, later on she was often amoy pawis and her breasts were nakalawlaw.

Second was her gradual loss of interest in their sex life. Whereas before she was sexually seductive and malandi, Her husband often complained about their sex life as being routine and unexciting, but she accused him of being makamundo. All this awakening served as a major breakthrough toward their martial intimacy and mutual fidelity.

What about that husband who kept complaining about his bungangera at dominante wife? It was a real wake-up call when he realized what he was contributing to their marital problem. He had always prided himself as being able to delegate most of the family responsibilities to his conscientious and dedicated wife. He thus found a lot of time for his barkada. And the more the wife nagged him about this, the more he found an excuse to stay away from home.

This self-awakening made all the difference in their married life. He then assumed full responsibility as husband and father, to the joy and stability of his family (at the sacrifice of his barkada!)

And that teenage son who kept focusing on himself and kept blaming his mom for not understanding him enough? He joined some friends in a seminar called The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. And boy, did it work a veritable miracle on him. What changed his whole way of relating to his mom was Habit 5: "Seek first to Understand, then to be Understood."

Last but not least was that sister who kept accusing her brother of being feelingless. Until she was introduced to a book entitled Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. She looked into herself. Her eyes were opened to the reality of the psycho-emotional differences between male and female. She realized that she kept expecting her brother to think and act like her. Now she has learned to love her brother more than she ever did before. AMEN.