What husbands and wives wish their partners should know

(Part I)

In 1994, at the UNESCO-sponsored International Year of the Family Values Formation Workshop for teachers and parents of kindergarten and grade school children, held at the OB Montessori Center, Benson Lee Tan and Itos Rebullida, former PTA presidents of La Salle Greenhills, both recalled that the world they grew up in was vastly different from the world of their children. Due to media, they are more "street smart."

Filipino parents note some behavioral changes

Parents then did not get so involved in school affairs and yet their children grew up to be very disciplined businessmen, according to Tan. "It is now a necessity to see our children to and from school. We must also still see them for their needs through the weekends," he added. Rebullida likewise referred to the special lifestyle of a sincere Christian family. Surely, the children would emulate this invigorating life when they themselves would begin their families.

Elly Ramos, former president of the Bagong Barrio Elementary School PTA in Kalookan, agreed to the call for the urgent moral guidance of the young, especially in their surroundings which is known to be a "notorious" place. For 18 years, he lived in an area where fear filled each household, what with roads filled with potholes, the strong canal stench and strange-looking bystanders. But since the Parent-Teacher Association (PTA) started, parents and children have been striving to clean up, repair damages and even raise funds to add more rooms to the school.

Felicidad Bernardo, former Pinaglabanan Elementary School PTA president, and Jean Gonzales, former president of the Autistic Children and Adults of the Philippines, spoke along the same lines of how much parents can recondition the physical and human ambience of the young children. "Autistic children are usually multi-handicapped," Gonzales explained. "Our initial depression lifted because of the moral support of our relatives, our barangay, our community and the school."

These selfless parents are still around in our society. Certainly, they submerge their personal problems because of the strong love for their developing children. Furthermore, the warm companionship of the large extended family often helps.

The strain on a wife’s loving

Western parents, on the contrary, reveal their personal needs. Often, they consult psychiatrists. Very Christian in outlook, Dr. James C. Dobson, a well-known psychologist who has authored many bestsellers, often sees the cracks in marriages. I believe that these have the same symptoms as those occurring in the Philippines, but which are not publicly analyzed nor confided to specialists (except in private groups during Marriage Encounters).

In his book, Straight Talk to Men and Their Wives, Dr. Dobson states, "A man is seldom the first to seek marriage counseling and when he does, it is for a different motive than his wife seeks it."

The wife’s frustration conforms to a well-worn pattern. Here, the doctor listens to the story of Tere, who has been married for 20 years, "Something began to change. My husband received a promotion about five years ago requiring him to work longer hours. We needed the money, so we didn’t mind the extra time he was putting in. But it never stopped."

"I look forward to his coming home all day because I have so much to tell him, but he doesn’t feel like talking. So I fix his dinner and he eats it alone. Then he watches television for a couple of hours and goes to bed. Except on Tuesday night, he plays basketball…"

The restless and bored wife is usually not employed. Staying home all day, she tries to get together with the women in the neighborhood for merry work.

American wives articulate their feelings more openly

Almost every woman longs to have occasional romantic togetherness. Oftentimes, what she finds irritating is the absence of attention on special days. Tere continues her story: "He rarely takes me out to dinner and he forgot our anniversary last month. I honestly don’t believe he’s ever had a romantic thought. He wouldn’t know a rose from a carnation and his Christmas cards are signed, just ‘John’."

"There’s no closeness or warmth between us, yet he wants to have sex with me at the end of the day. There we are, lying in bed, having had no communication between us in weeks. He hasn’t tried to be sweet or understanding or tender, yet he expects me to become passionate and responsive to him. I’ll tell you, I can’t do it. And after the two-minute trip is over and John is asleep, I lie there resenting him and feeling like a cheap prostitute. Can you believe that? I feel used for having sex with my own husband."

Dr. Dobson guesses that 90 percent of the divorces that occur each year involve at least some of the elements described, such as an extremely busy husband too in love with his work, "The husband tends to be insensitive, unromantic and uncommunicative. The wife is a lonely, vulnerable and romantic woman who doubts seriously her self-worth."

Thus, this sort of hostility powers the "women’s liberation" movement. She better find a job, otherwise she turns into a classic nagger. Worse, she is vulnerable to an illicit love affair or may turn to drugs and alcohol which many American women do. In the Philippines, she would run away and turn over the job of child-rearing to her parents. Oftentimes, the couple separates or gets a divorce.

The strain on a husband’s caring

This is the feminine perspective, which is so poorly understood by the majority of men. Nevertheless, husbands have their own legitimate complaints to make, too. So brace yourselves, ladies.

Bert is a good man who loves his wife, Flor and their kids. Honest! He doesn’t drink. He has never smoked. He has no compulsion to gamble. He would not touch another woman under any imaginable circumstances. He gets up every morning and plods off to a boring, menial job which he has held for the last 45 years.

He brings his salary home and does his best to stretch it through the month. He lives by a moral code that is remarkable for this dishonest era. His income tax return is scrupulously accurate and he has never stolen as much as a paper clip from his boss. He doesn’t beat the kids or kick the dog or flirt with the widow next door. He is an predictable as sunrise and I am sure that God has a special place for him on the other side.

Steady Bert’s serious flaw

But, "steady Bert" has a serious flaw. He was raised in a day when little boys were taught to withhold their thoughts and feelings. "Children are to be seen and not heard," said his parents. He can’t remember being hugged or praised, and everybody knows that boys don’t cry. So, Bert learned his lessons well. He became tough as nails and as silent as the night, but in so doing, he lost touch with his emotions. Now, he cannot be spontaneous and affectionate, no matter how hard he tries. It just isn’t within him. Thus, most of his thoughts remain unspoken and private.

One would hope that Flor would accept Bert as he is since she knew his nature before they were married. In fact, it was his quiet reserve that made Bert attractive to her when they were courting. He always seemed so strong, so in control, compared to her impulsive flightiness. But now, Flor is fed up with her unromantic husband. She is deeply angry because he won’t communicate with her and she nags him incessantly about his alleged "failures" as a husband. He can do nothing right and she makes them both miserable year after year.

Let us bring the illustration closer to home. Bert and "Boiling Flor" do not represent an unusual combination of personality characteristics. Hundreds of husbands and wives who share their conflict exist. Many men – not just those who were taught to be inexpressive – find it difficult to match the emotions of their wives. They cannot be what their women want them to be. But, instead of looking at the whole man, assessing his many good qualities as they counterbalance this "flaw", the wife concentrates on the missing element and permits it to dominate their relationship. She is married to a good man… but he is not good enough!

The solution

A point of awareness to the wife of the busy but non-communicative husband. First, you cannot depend on this man to satisfy all your needs. You will be continually frustrated by his failure to comply. You must achieve a network of women friends with whom you can talk, laugh, gripe, dream and recreate. There are thousands of homemakers around you who have the same needs and experiences. They will be looking for you as you begin your search for them. Get into exercise classes, group hobbies, church activities, Bible studies, bicycle clubs – whatever.

But at all costs, resist the temptation to pull into the four walls of your home, sitting at the "pity corner" and waiting for your man to come on his white horse.

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