How ‘time out’ works with toddlers and preschoolers in public places

(Part III of a series on Raising Baby Alessia)

BRESCIA, Italy – Italy swarms with tourists in July and August. German visitors specially fill up places around Lago (lake) di Como or Lago di Garda – the lakes which separate Italy from Switzerland and Germany. Mary Jo Gervasoni drove us to the town on Sirmione by Lake Garda with Alessia. Of two baby strollers, she brought the heavy one where 1 1/2-year old Alessia could fall asleep when tired.

The sunlit blue lake and the gliding white swans made a perfect day, until Alessia became impatient as we took time choosing T-shirts, postcards and other Lago di Garda souvenirs. She began to fret and scream. Mary Jo called "Time Out" again, placing her by the plant box which bordered the piazza store. With so many German tourists milling around, she felt more self-conscious and began to whimper, but Mary Jo was firm timing her isolation to 1 1/2 minutes. Then she was "released", having paid her dues with a big hug.

First outing should be for teaching

Taking a toddler out to any place other than McDonald’s or Jollibee can be a challenging experience. Shopping trips to Rustan’s, where you will be passing counters filled with Noritake and Lalique crystals, is not advised. Save those excursions for yourself. Serious shopping takes serious thought, and while you are concentrating on your purchases, your little tot could wander off on an excursion of her own. Instead, take her to the grocery or someplace you can give her complete attention. Try to make your trips as fun and educational as you can.

Try the following tips as closely as possible: Your first trips should not exceed a half hour and could be as little as ten minutes for younger children. Maybe just go to buy a newspaper, or get milk or juice. Choose a time when the store or restaurant is not very busy. First outing should be for teaching – not for shopping or eating.

Rules should be explained as simple as possible before leaving the house or apartment and restated immediately before entering the "training area". Some suggestions for rules include: STAY with Mama or Papa. Do NOT walk away alone. Do NOT pick up, touch, or play with things without permission from Mama or Papa. I will NOT buy you anything on this trip.

Provide your child with a lot of nonverbal, physical contact (at least once every minute or half minute) for appropriate behavior. Occasionally offer verbal praise, such as "Jake, you sure are being good," "You’re staying right next to Mommy," "Thank you for not picking up any candy," or "It’s easier to shop when you don’t pick up things," "We’ll do this again soon!" Stay physically close to your child. Touch her gently on the back, give hugs, pulling her up next to you.

What if you try all the rules and they all fail?

‘Time Out’ in public places

The last time Marilou put her daughter, Liza, in "Time Out" was in a Yamaha music store. Liza started screaming at the top of her lungs. Two saleswomen came over and stared at Marilou, shaking their heads. Her husband quickly left the immediate area as Marilou broke out in a sweat.

Although discipline in public places can be difficult, it is vitally important to follow through with "Time Out" when you are outside your home. Remember to follow through no matter how many dirty looks you get. It is better to have a few days of misery than many miserable years of incorrigible behavior.

IN DEPARTMENT STORES – an uncrowded aisle facing a dull side of a display counter or a boring corner, the gift wrap or credit department area, rest room, or maternity section. IN GROCERY STORES – the frozen food counter (Avoid the urge to put your child in the counter itself!), the farthest corner of the store, the walled side of the counter while you look at cards.

IN A PLACE OF WORSHIP – Take your child to the kid’s room or use a rest room off the lobby.

IN A RESTAURANT – Use the rest rooms or an empty booth. AT A FRIEND’S HOUSE – Be sure to explain to your friend that you are using a new behavioral method and you may need to place your child in a chair or stand your child in a corner or hallway if he misbehaves. Ask your friend where one could be used.

DURING A LONG CAR TRIP. Review the rules with your child and set up your expectations before letting your child enter the car. Be sure to take along games or activities for your child to do during the trip as well as juice in tetra paks and snacks. If you need to discipline your child, pull off the road to a safe stopping area and have your child serve the "Time Out" on the floor of the backseat.

If you use "Time Out" in a public place, it may take only half the normal time because this is very effective with children. Be strong.

Mealtime behavior problems

The following guidelines will result in pleasant mealtimes rather than anxiety-filled, tension-fraught meals that end in yelling and Tiums antacid for dessert. If your child breaks a rule, that’s "Time Out."

Use "Time Out" only twice during any one meal. If there is a third disruption, the meal is over for your child. Take away his plate regardless of how much has been eaten. Don’t make a big production over this. Be matter-of-fact about it.

Do not allow your child to eat anything until the next meal. If your child is hungry, that’s a good sign that he’ll eat his meal. Don’t think hunger means starvation. Hold out on dessert until the meal is finished. If he doesn’t eat, then no dessert and no snacks.

If your child whines or persists, put him in "Time Out". Do not nag, threaten, or give warnings during mealtimes.

Some children get pleasure out of making your crazy by taking two hours to complete a meal. Part of the problem comes from piling too much food on a child’s plate. Put out small portions. It’s better if they ask for seconds. If he persists, set the kitchen timer at a reasonable amount of time – around 30 minutes. When the timer rings, the meal is over.

When your child eats, give encouragement. Don’t send out the message, "Why aren’t you eating your peas?" Instead say, "Look how great you use your fork," and, "You’re sitting so quietly. How terrific!"

Every child and every parent are different. The guidelines presented are just that – guidelines. Feel free to adapt them to your lifestyle and your child’s.

Dressing behavior problems

Dressing problems can leave a parent totally exhausted. A big mistake is to let your kids watch television or start playing with their toys before they are dressed. Trying to pull a three-year-old away from a Barney video is not an easy task.

Set up dressing rules: NO TOYS, NO TV, NO FOOD before you are dressed. Give extra praise and give a small reward if your child can get dressed by himself (if he is old enough).

It is important to choose and set out his clothes the night before. Once you choose an outfit, unless the weather dictates otherwise, do not change it. Unless it is a special occasion, let your child pick out his own pajamas, underwear, socks, and even two or three times a week, his own outfit. Don’t laugh or tell them that they look funny. Tell them what an interesting outfit they have chosen or how nice they look.

In order for your child’s dressing routine to last no more than 20 to 30 minutes, you should set the timer each day for a week or so. If he is not dressed when the timer rings, you should finish dressing him, but do not talk to your child except to give instructions. If your child is dressed, no matter how he looks, praise him and even give a small reward (special playtime, treat after school or lunch, and so on).

If you cannot get your child to cooperate, immediately send him to "Time Out". Do not nag him. Remember to follow a consistent routine.

Bedtime behavior problems

It’s 10 p.m., you and your husband have finally settled to bed. You start to cuddle. Suddenly a voice at your door says, "Mommy, I want some water." You get up and get your toddler some water. You return and start to cuddle up again. Then, the voice at your bedroom door returns, "Mommy, I have to go pee-pee." You jump out of bed. As you are about to climb in bed, "Mommy, there’s monster in my room." You get up, take your child to his room and spend 15 minutes chasing away monsters. When you return to your spouse, he’s fast asleep. Cuddles are over. Another night of bedtime blues.

The following suggestions should be used with children from the moment they can get out of their beds or cribs: Pick a reasonable bedtime (7 to 8:30 p.m.) or nap time. Although you may want to allow a half-hour leeway on weekends, try to stay with the same bedtime until becomes a habit.

About 30 minutes before bedtime, start "quit time," during which your child should be occupied with quiet activities to calm and quiet him before he goes to sleep. Set up a bedtime routine. Put your child in bed, tell him good night and that you will see him in the morning, turn off the light, leave the room, and close the door (optional). If your child likes a night-light, that is fine. If possible, stick to this routine even if you are on vacation.

Crying is extremely distressing for parents. After a while, your child learns that the littlest cry will get them attention. Do not give in. Do not get discouraged. Remember: Do not talk to your child after he is down for the night. Check his diapers (if applicable) quickly. If everything is OK, leave the room quietly. This method should work after less than a week.

In the morning, give lots of positive reinforcements to your child for staying in bed (if he did) and reward him with something like allowing him to choose between two different food he likes. If he didn’t stay in bed, say nothing.

Consistency is the key with bedtime problems. If you have tried everything with total follow-through and it doesn’t work, we suggest you seek out a therapist who specializes in sleep disorder problems.

To give in or not to give in

Parents often promote whining without realizing it. Certain parenting styles inadvertently cause children to automatically resort to whining.

TOUGH LOVE. Some parents never like to give in to their child’s requests. Thus, the child is frustrated and uses whining as a way of breaking the parent down.

PERFECT KIDS. Parents often impose unrealistic expectations on small children. They expect them to perform tasks that are age-inappropriate.

THE LOVE SMOTHERER. Giving your children too much can encourage whining. Some parents create dependent, whining children by coming to their aid every minute. The child knows that she can get what she wants by whining, and it becomes an effective tool for the child.

THE GUILT TRIPPER. Many parents who do not spend a lot of time with their children are easy targets. They feel guilty, the child picks up on this, and to mollify his or her own guilt the parent will give in to the child’s whining.

Listen and learn from your child

Many children whine because parents do not listen. They pretend to listen, but they don’t and their child knows it. If you are preoccupied, tell your child, "Mommy or Daddy can’t listen now, but I will when I am off the phone."

Remember: Spend a lot of time actively listening to your child, and "Time Out" your child when whining continues beyond your tolerance point. When listening to your child: Look at him eye-to-eye. Repeat what she said or asked. Let her express her thoughts even if you disagree. Don’t interrupt her. Ask her questions.

By combining "Time Out" for whining with lots of positive attention when your child is talking, you will find that the time spent with your child is more pleasant for both of you – not only will you be amazed at all the interesting things she has to say, but you will discover that the whining, which was an attempt to get your attention, will subside.

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