The ‘time out’ discipline for toddlers

(Part II of a series on Raising Baby Alessia)

BRESCIA, Italy – After two months, I’m back in Brescia with Alessia. This time with my daughter, Sara Francesca and her husband, Alessia’s uncle Jon. We are on our way to the International Montessori Congress in UNESCO, Paris.

During breakfast, Alessia who will turn two years old in December, began to play with her cereals and make noise with her spoon. Unconsciously, she was trying to get the attention of the new guests.

"Alessia, time out!" Mama Mary Jo quickly snapped at her. She pulled her out of the high chair and put her down on the floor. To our surprise, Alessia promptly walked to the corner behind the kitchen table and gently bent down her head accepting the punishment without a whimper. In about a minute, Mary Jo called her back and hugged and kissed her. She smiled and hugged her mother back.

Catch them being good

"When you visited us two months ago, I was not yet using Dr. Varni’s ‘time out’ discipline for toddlers. However, I observed that Alessia is comprehending and learning more words and her vocabulary is quickly expanding. So a month ago, I started the time out technique. Without a yaya, it surely prevented me from yelling and spanking Alessia."

Dr. James Varni is a clinical professor of Psychology and pediatrician at the University of Southern California. He directs the Behavioral Pediatric Program at the Orthopedic Hospital in Los Angeles. In his book Time Out for Toddlers, he says that many parents wait for the child to misbehave. They seem to pay attention only when their little one misbehave and usually fail to appreciate their good behavior. To expect the best from the child and tell him so would build his self-confidence and reinforce the sense of coping up.

Unlike the socially inhibited culture in the Philippines, the Italian culture is very effusive with praises and complements. Italians spontaneously express appreciation of others. When it comes to praises, kids eat it up like ice cream. Always give extra praise when the child behaves well on his own initiative.

Here are basic tips to make the child feel good with himself. This is a prerequisite for "time out" technique. First, choose a special time for bonding DAILY. Nobody must disturb you and your toddler or preschooler then. Be sure no phone calls nor TV shows will interrupt this 10-to-20-minute session. Next, ask for simple favors, "please hand me the towel (magazine, handbag)." There should be three requests made one after the other punctuated with PRAISE.

On teaching compliance

Compliance is obedience. Get eye contact of the child making sure he/she understands the request. It should be short and to the point. Praise right away.

Key points in praising. Be sincere. Express it physically with pats, hugs, and kisses. Withhold praise when the child misbehaves. Specify. "Mama likes it when you pack away your toys." Praise even small deeds.

Rewards are not always material. Most Filipino parents think so. We can satisfy small children better by giving them privileges. Say instead, "Because you listened so well you can help Mom bake cookies… wash the car with Papa. These small experiences are considered real privileges with children and must be so identified. Again, Filipinos give too much freebies which spoil children in the most sensitive years of character maturation, the first six years.

Spoiling starts in toddlerhood

"Give me, get me, do for me, buy me, take me!" The story of a spoiled child is taught, not born. Values are what we teach our children from a very early age. Most parents think spoiling is strictly related to material objects. Yet spoiling has to do with how we respond to a child from toddlerhood.

It’s very difficult to say "No," when two big adorable eyes are begging for something. But a child knows no limits unless you establish them. We often tend to say no, and then give in. Children who are spoiled often come from permissive and materialistic families. These are not necessarily wealthy families.

Our own feelings of deprivation may invade their world. Children may grow up unable to cope with life’s simplest problems because they are so used to getting everything when they want it – immediate gratification. They become immature adults who expect Mommy and Daddy to fulfill their every need and bail them out of every unpleasant situation.

Part of helping a child become a caring adult is building his sense of respect for other people. Dealing with the out-of-control, spoiled child has to do with consistent discipline. Try to use the same disciplinary approach, "Time Out."

How to use ‘Time Out’ successfully

Be sure to practice "Time Out" steps with your child before you begin to use it. Choose a boring corner of an uncluttered room not his/her bedroom. The chair is optional. When your child misbehaves tell her exactly what she did wrong before letting her sit on the "Time Out" chair. There are several rules when in "Time Out":

1. The timer will be set when she is quiet.

2. If she leaves the chair before the timer goes off, you will give her one swat on the bottom and place her back in the chair.

Tell your child you will be using the "Time Out" chair instead of yelling, threatening, or hitting. Remind yourself of this rule – often.

When you first begin using "Time Out," your child may act like "Time Out" is a game. She may put herself in "Time Out" or ask to go there. If this happens, play the game. That is, put her in "Time Out" and require her to sit quietly for the required amount of time. She will soon learn that "Time Out" is not fun. Duration of "Time Out" minutes is equivalent to the age of the child. Thus, 1 1/2 year old Alessia’s "Time Out" is 1 1/2 minutes.

Your child may not leave the chair to go to the bathroom, get a drink, or get her security blanket. If a child goes to "Time Out" during a meal, she should miss the portion of the meal. Do not make extra fun snacks to compensate for the missed meal. When your child is in "Time Out" think of her as being in a spaceship in outer space and totally inaccessible to you. Ignoring means no attention of any kind – no glaring, no staring, no scolding, no explanations, no finger pointing. Don’t start then afterward give in.

For parent’s self-control: Count to 10, watch TV, call a friend, walk out of the room. Always pay attention when the child reverses his naughtiness to good behavior. Give verbal reinforcements like "That’s great… I like that…"

What if your child leaves the chair without permission?

Many children will test their parents’ authority when "Time Out" is first used. They will try to escape from the chair before time is up. Your child should be warned about this during the first practice "Time Out." If your child leaves "Time Out," the following should be done:

1. The first time your child leaves the chair, put her back in the chair and say, loudly and with a stern appearance, "If you get out of that chair again, I am going to spank you!" (Clap your hands loudly in front of your child when you say the word spank).

2. When your child leaves the chair again, one swift swat across the buttocks is all that is needed. Do not take the child’s pants down to do this. YOU ARE NOT TO HIT YOUR CHILD WITH ANY OBJECT OTHER THAN YOUR OPEN HANDS!!! Return your child to the chair without saying a word.

3. Thereafter your child is to be spanked once each time that she leaves the chair. This is true even if your child is sent to "Time Out" again for some other misbehavior. If your child leaves the chair without permission, do not give the warning again, but go straight to the one spank on the bottom described above. But, if your child continues to refuse to stay in "Time Out" chair after you’ve tried all alternatives, then it is time to seek professional help.

The spanking procedure has been shown to be quite effective, and the vast majority of children require less than a total two or three spankings before learning to stay on the chair when told to go there. Many do not even need a single spanking, provided the warning described above is given properly.

If spanking is used, it should be used only for leaving the chair without permission, not for any other form of misbehavior. Spanking should be used only for backing up "Time Out," not as a primary discipline technique for misbehavior.

‘Time Out’ problem-solving checklist

Use your anger as a cue. That is, if you allow your child’s behavior to worsen to the point where you get emotionally upset, then you didn’t catch your child’s behavior problem early enough.

Your husband/wife (grandparent, baby-sitter) undermines "Time Out" by not using it themselves; by not supporting you for using it; and/or by disagreeing with you in front of your child on matters of discipline.

Be certain to use "Time Out" with all your children.

Don’t forget that "Time Out" is an "instructional technique – that is, it is a way of teaching your child what you expect in terms of socially appropriate behavior. Thus, you need to use it a lot, the more the better, so that your child can learn what is expected of her. Even minor behavior problems need "Time Out."

Remember, "Time Out" is simply corrective feedback. It is not some horrible punishment. It is not yelling, screaming, or hitting your child. It is an opportunity for your child to stop and think about what she did wrong.

It is essential to use "Time Out" in combination with a lot of praise and positive attention for your child’s appropriate behavior. Always remember the phrase, "catch ’em being good!"

Happier parents, happier children

Try to remember during the first week of "Time Out" that you are not harming your child, but helping to teach her better self-control, respect for parental authority, and the ability to follow rules. Your child may not like this method, but discipline is necessary if children are to learn what is expected of them within their families and society. If the end result is that you don’t yell at your child anymore, your child will be happier in the long term.

(Next week: Time Out in public places)

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