Dear Tanya,
I’m 35 years old and I’ve been going out with a guy for a year now. Two of my friends say he’s kind of effeminate while two others insist that he’s gay. Of all my boyfriends, he’s the most vain — he dresses neatly, his car is always clean, he goes to the gym four times a week and his things are always in order. At first I thought he was just a metrosexual…but now I’m not so sure. He likes art and he’s well-traveled — sometimes he travels with a male friend when I can’t go with him. He’s a very kind man, affectionate, thoughtful and he takes care of me. My family loves him, although one of my brothers thinks he’s “soft.” He has just proposed marriage and I said yes. Now I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing even though I love him deeply and we have a lot in common. Plus I’m not getting any younger and I want to start a family soon. — MIRANDA
Dear Miranda,
I think there are two questions to your question. First, is he gay? Second, even if he is and still you love him, should you marry him?
Let me ask you this: when you say he’s “affectionate,” what exactly do you mean? That he holds your hand when you cross the street or he strips off all your clothes the moment you’re alone in a room? If you haven’t had sex after a year of being together, is it because both of you believe premarital sex to be a sin? If the answer is no, well, that pretty much answers the gay question, because I cannot think of any other reason that he’s not interested in you physically — except that he’s interested in men or that you’re really ugly.
And this male friend that he travels with — what is he like? In your gut, do you feel jealous when you see them together? Is your boyfriend very animated when he’s with his friend?
I’ve a feeling the real question to your question is this: How much do you want to be married? Do you want to be married enough to be a trophy wife, are you looking at him only as a prospective father to your children?
We’ve heard of so many stories about gay men being married to women and having biological children — but are openly gay anyway. I’ve always wondered how the wife feels in a situation where she is competing against somebody that’s not just younger or prettier, but has the right, uhm, equipment, to put it delicately.
No amount of aerobics or Botox can make him want you. You’re batting for the same team, honey.
But then again, for reasons known only to gay/bi/heterosexual couples, their marriage lasts. It may not be the kind of marriage women dream about but they do stay together and have a family life.
I used to believe that love surmounts everything. Maybe mutual love does. But never when you love alone and that’s pretty much how it is when you’re in love with a gay man. You will be loving a man who may cook for you, or even handwash your panties, and be your best friend, but he will not touch you because you’re a woman. And what about your sexual needs? I mean, really? What can you do? Nothing! And what about his needs? Infidelity is impossible to ignore, so just imagine the hurt when you know he’s been out with another man.
I would be telling you differently if you said you just want kids and not a husband, or if you just want a companion. Then maybe, just maybe, this smart and kind man fits into your life. But if you want a real marriage, you need to be with a man whose sexual orientation you don’t doubt.
In this day and age — and I know people will think I’m being silly — I still think you should marry for love, and not because you’re getting old, and certainly not for money or security.
Love may not always work, but that’s a chance still worth taking.
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Home 911 answers questions about the home — cleaning problems, DIY projects, decorating ideas, home store resources, and things you’ve always wanted to know about but never had the friends to ask. Home 911 runs twice a month and will ask the experts on your behalf. For questions and suggestions, e-mail philstar_home911@yahoo.com. Please include your first name/pseudonym. All questions will be answered through this column, appearing twice a month — Tanya is too lazy and too chatty to answer individually.