DEAR EPPY,
I have been in a relationship for two years now. My boyfriend is a kind man, but I don’t understand why I’m scared of him. He has neither shouted at me nor has he hit me. I always make sure I do things so he doesn’t get angry, and he never does. He has never complained about what I do.
When I say I am scared of him, I mean, there are things I’d like to say to him that’s on my mind, but I get scared because he might find fault in it. As an example, he and I went to a mall and I saw a necklace that looked so pretty. I wanted to tell him that I liked the necklace, but I stopped myself because I was scared he might think I wanted him to buy the necklace for me. I just wanted to share the beautiful sight.
But I think he sees me as a person with no faults. That’s what I think, and I don’t want to change that. I want him to continue seeing me as someone not affected by material things. Is it right that I just keep quiet about things? QUIET TYPE
DEAR QUIET TYPE,
Allow me to give you another perspective of your experience in the mall. Your goal as a couple is to collect wonderful memories with each other. If ever you get married, you should continue collecting positive memories that both of you can share. The more you collect wonderful memories together, the more you will enjoy being with your partner.
When you decided not to say anything about your feelings about the necklace, you have taken away an opportunity to share a memory with your boyfriend. You missed on the opportunity sharing the same feelings.
In the article “Self-disclosure in Intimate Relationships: Associations with Individual and Relationship Characteristics Over Time,” written by Susan Sprecher and Susan Hendrick and published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, self-disclosure is considered an important part of communication in close relationships. Self-disclosure is supposed to tell us something about the individual and the kind of relationship that person is in.
It is quite easy to imagine that couples able to disclose more may expect love being part of the relationship. These couples also experience satisfaction in a relationship that allows a person to experience a sense of intimacy. As you can see, it is quite clear that as you are able to let your partner know more about how you feel, the more your relationship will be better.
Trying to protect your image to your boyfriend too much may end up with you being so distant from your boyfriend that your relationship might end. In another study written by Mie Kito entitled “Self-disclosure in romantic relationships and friendships among American and Japanese college students,” self-disclosure was higher in romantic love than in friendships. This means that if your relationship is close, then the manifestation is the ability to be open and give self-disclosure.
It would seem then that your intense need to protect your image in your boyfriend’s eye is the very thing that may cause the two of you to separate. As I’ve mentioned earlier, communication is important in a couple’s life. If you want to keep your man, you share more of yourself with him in order to strengthen the bond between you and him.
Apparently, your need to protect your image tells you how you think of yourself. You feel that others can only accept you when you can hide parts of yourself from them. Maybe you can do this with other people, but I don’t think you should be doing this to your boyfriend because he might think that you are not interested to be in a relationship.
Try to share more of your feelings and things that you like and don’t like. You can’t be perfect all the time. Don’t pretend you’re perfect. It’s okay not to be perfect.
EPPY
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