Me, Starzan! You, Tube

That’s right — Me, Starzan! You, Tube. Jane is dead (actually, I just “dead” it my way). No more Cheeta, too. No more monkey. Now, mouse. And my partner, Cheeta-eh Ganda Lalake, is also dead. Yes, he was the same guy who portrayed the role of James D. (D for Dacuycoy), teamed up with my other movie character, Elvis Presto, in our Elvis & James series. He is no longer here. He already joined his idol, James Dean.

“You, Tube” is Tagalog for “Ikaw, Katutubo.”
Remember, Starzan lived with the katutubo. And in the latest television campaign pauso and lingo for “one of us” (Kapamilya, Kapuso), we can call them Katubo. Ngak!

Inasmuch as this is Starzan’s first swing, let me tell you that he was pounding his chest and head thinking of a title for this column. First, there was “Starzan Day” because it sounded like Sunday. Suddenly, Starzan acted like a frantic and cranky monkey when he realized that his article could be moved to a different day by the Chimp Editor. Ngek!

Then Starzan decided to take a break. He took a swing. Then he took a swim. He tried all the possible strokes but he couldn’t still think of anything. The Shouting Star of the Jungle was already panicking because his deadline was nearing. He was having palpitations. “Palpitations? P-pa-pal-palp-Phelps!”, he yelped. Yes, he suddenly thought of the American Olympic star for swimming — Michael Phelps. And immediately he came up with this title — “Starzan Stripes” — tunog stateside ‘yon. “But wait,” he said to himself. “Stripes no connection! Okay lang kung cartoons... pwedeng comic stripes!” Ngik!

“And besides,” Starzan said, “Starzan not so much fond of zebra!” Kunsabagay, all the Starzan movies (Starzan I, II & III) were all zebra-less. Hmmm... sounds sexy — She bra-less! Starzan getting horny? Well, better horny than corny. For my critics — translation: Mabuti na yung masungay o matorotot kaysa makalyo. Ayan, naging corny tuloy.

Then Starzan concentrated on the idea that this is his return and comeback. And what would be more fitting but a title like “Starzan Backs” (Ang Pagbabalik ni Starzan). But wait again — tunog kape, di ba? At saka, baka magtampo ang mga Kadonut ko sa Dunkin’...  may mga coffee flavors din sila. Remember, Kape-milya ko yan, at marami-rami na rin akong tinanggap diyan na kapesos. Ngok!

Then came “Me, Starzan!” Ayos, nine letters pa like Eat, Bulaga!, Itaktak Mo and Kagat Labi. Lucky number Nine. Why lucky? Because the number nine, kahit sumirko pa, it will still be a number. See, there is variety. That’s why Eat, Bulaga! is called a variety show. Oops, Starzan getting less horny.

So, “Me, Starzan!” is it. Then Starzan promised himself that he will never change the title of his column... he will never change it... like his bahag! Nguk!

From now on, The Philippine Star readers, you will all be my Kapahayagan and Kaperyodiko. And expect this corner to be a variety — we will have singing, poem reading, plugging, et cetera. Dancing? I think that’s hard!

Now that Starzan is back, some of you would ask whatever happened to Elvis Presto. Well, I’m glad to announce that beginning today, Elvis Presto will be reporting to me as my deep penetration agent and he will be known as the fearless ELVISTIGADOR! Aba ang bilis! Narito na ang kanyang unang report...

Elvistigador: Thank you, Starzan. Na-Elvistiga ko sa mga Katubo natin sa YouTube na may isang contestant na nanay sa Wowowee, na nang nanalo, ay nagpasalamat sa Eat, Bulaga! Nabigla daw ang host at napahampas siya sa kanyang noo at napasigaw ng, “Diyos ko po!” I therefore conclude that — kapag napapahiya ang tao, nagiging relihiyoso!

Thank you, Elvistigador. By the way, baka magulat kayo sa picture na kasama in this article. My wife Eileen twisted my arm and forced me to feature her picture with a United States Olympian. Gusto raw niyang ipagmalaki sa mga amiga niya! Tinanong ko siya kung ano naman ang kuneksyon nito sa article kong “Me, Starzan! You, Tube?” Alam niyo ba ang sabi niya? “Tube sounds like cube... and that’s him with me... Cube Bryant!”

Ngak. Ngek. Ngik. Ngok. Nguk!