Beauty queen Maribel (mom to Mara and Ken), Jenine (mom to Janella) and actress-turned-farmer Isabel (mom to Richard) were married and separated. Former That’s Entertainment member Bunny (mom to Moira), 1994 Bb. Pilipinas-International Alma (mom to Cobie), and Angelu (mom to Nicole and Loise) chose to separate from the fathers of their children when it became obvious the relationship couldn’t work.On the occasion of Mother’s Day, we pay tribute to these women who have done the title of Mother proud. Below, they answer questions that will help the reader understand them, sympathize with their woes and admire them.
Did you choose to be a single parent, or were you left with no choice? Just a brief account of circumstances that led to you becoming a single mom.
Maribel Lopez: People have choices. My decision to be one was in 2005 when the marriage was no longer working. That time Mara was 14, and Ken, nine.
Jenine Desiderio: I had no choice. I tried everything in my power to save the marriage but my husband still left us in 2002 just before our fourth anniversary. Our daughter Janella was barely four years old. She’s now nine.
Isabel Rivas: I didn’t choose to be a single mom, I think it chose me. I was very young and impulsive at 16 giving birth at 17, quite a rebel in the atmosphere of strictness in the home and so made wrong choices.
Bunny Paras: I did not want to be a single parent because I did not want my child to grow up the same way I did having only one parent. I did my best to save the relationship. But we were young and foolish and there were issues of loyalty.
Alma Concepcion: Yes! I’m a single mom by choice because I broke up with him when I found out about a third party during my first trimester of pregnancy.
Angelu de Leon: I chose to be a single mom to Nicole and Loise, now eight and five, respectively. I left Joko (Diaz) when Nicole was five months old because I saw no future and stability with him. In 2001, I had Loise and from the very beginning chose for the father not to be involved.
After the separation, how did it affect your child. How did you explain the father’s absence, ease the pain in the child, and make up for his loss?
Maribel: I had to tell my daughter Mara that it was not her fault. She has been mature for her age. It affected her in such a way that she still wants to pursue the activities done as a "family." And I have to wean them from that. My family time with them is just me, and they have family time with their dad.
Jenine: I decided to tell her straight when she asked me "Where is Papa?" "Is it true what they’re saying about you and Papa?" "Why? What did you do ba, Mama? Are you bad?" I struggled not to break down and hugged her. In her young mind, one gets punished and isn’t loved if one does something bad. Then I answered, "No, I’m not bad. Nobody’s bad. Papa just loves somebody else."
Isabel: It was hard to explain to my son Richard why he couldn’t have other siblings because I was busy working and providing, and another child was so out of my plans, and that his dad (bless his soul, he died two years ago) and I were just friends. But the pain and tears I shared with my son during his growing up years are memories and lessons I now cherish and share with other young mothers for them to see the" light at the end of the tunnel" as the saying goes.
Bunny: Moira was too young to ask questions when it happened. When she got older the questions would come now and then. But it was when she got sick that the pain of not having both parents beside you really hit hard. She now chats with him through the Internet and they e-mail each other. Recently, he visited her in LA where we are now based. When we visited Manila two months ago, they had some time together.
Alma: It was not as hard as other separation stories go because I was already separated when Cobie was born. When he started questioning why he had to be transported from another house to mine, I simply explained that at least "you have two houses." I didn’t see any pain in him because I always made sure I showered him with love double time given the situation.
Angelu: My kids were very young then to understand but nevertheless I was very honest and open to them. They grew up knowing what really happened between me and their fathers. They also both know they have different dads. I’m not sure how I eased their pain because truth and reality really hurt. I guess it’s a day-to-day effort when it comes to making them feel that no matter what, they are still loved.
Was there any instance at all, in view of your celebrity status, that you kept this a secret from all, thought of having the child adopted or giving him to your mom or relatives to bring up?
Maribel: Times have changed. Children are very resilient and open minded. I never thought of keeping the separation a secret. And adoption was never an option since I have a life; I have a career!
Jenine: No. Never. I thought my daughter needed me now more than ever. So I’m gonna be there for her. I don’t want her to feel displaced. Her father already left her. I will not double her trauma by doing the same thing. No. Never.
Isabel: I never thought of giving up my child.
Alma: From the time of pregnancy, I thought I was proud of my situation and even announced it to the public before it came on the news. I never felt sorry for myself to be in a situation like this because I knew that one day being a mom would be my direction anyway, and having the desire to end the relationship in the middle of my pregnancy would not stop me from becoming a mother with or without marriage.
Bunny: Since I was in the public eye, it was definitely not a secret. It never entered my mind to have Moira adopted even by relatives. I embraced motherhood and worked hard at a 9-5 job to support my daughter. I was blessed because I had my mom and my Ate Sharmaine (Arnaiz) to help me raise Moira.
Angelu: The thought of giving up my daughters never entered my mind with my first daughter. But I will admit I thought about it for a minute with my second given the circumstances at that time. But ultimately I decided to face the public and be proud of myself and my daughters, and prove I could still have a career after having two kids. When I see my daughters now, I know I did the right thing by choosing to give birth to them over saving a career and losing my conscience.
Today, when you go out on dates, or when you have a partner sleeping over regularly, what do you tell the child/children? How have you prepared or are preparing your kid for the possibility of having another father? Maribel: The kids know I am dating somebody, and there is no one sleeping over in my house. I believe in becoming a role model for my kids. I am a double-standard mom. There is no need to prepare them for another father since the new man will be a barkada, not a replacement of their father. Jenine: I do things discreetly. I do not introduce my dates to my daughter. I don’t want her to feel threatened unnecessarily in anyway. I also don’t want her to get attached to any of them as they might not stay for good. If that happens, she will feel left behind all over again and I don’t want that to happen.
Isabel: I think my son is mature enough to understand matters regarding relationships. At the moment, I’m not into any relationship. He is even the one encouraging me to go out and date. If there are special occasions and I’m alone and in need of a companion, Richard is my date.
Alma: I don’t allow my dates/partners to sleep over where my son and I live. Regarding having relationships, my son wants me to eventually get married because he has been asking me for a baby brother. But even if I do get into a relationship or marry, I will make sure I will avoid any confusion. My son will always consider my new partner, his Tito and best friend maybe. But he will never replace his father who will always be his one and only dad. Bunny: My daughter understands that her father and I are not together. Since she has no memory of us together, it is easier preparing her for the possibility of my having another partner. Angelu: I’ve been single for over two years now. My last relationship lasted for almost four years. It was quite traumatic for my kids, especially Nicole because she really got close to him. We do talk and joke about the possibility of me getting married but not them having another father. I respect their decision that they still want their fathers in spite of them not being physically and financially present in my daughters’ lives. Mommy having a partner in life someday would be a decision agreed upon by the three of us. But I will make most of the decisions, of course.
What has been the most difficult aspect of being mom and dad? Maribel: Most difficult is the lack of family time, the bonding, the out-of-town trips, the regular dates with the kids. The parenting job is limited. Jenine: Not having anyone to talk to about problems and decisions. You need a second opinion sometimes, or just the presence of someone to share not just the problems but the joyous moments your children go through as they grow up. I take care of everybody and everything in the household. But when I get sick or I get very tired, nobody takes care of me anymore. I cannot claim to being a dad to my daughter. A dad, to me, is irreplaceable.
Isabel: What was most difficult was juggling the duties of being responsible mom and nurturing a child in the right way. Alma: It was not difficult for me because it had always been my orientation. Remember that we had been separated since my pregnancy, so I did not have to adjust to anything. Bunny: The most difficult part of being both mom and dad and living in the US is the exhaustion. Aside from working hard all day, I bring my daughter to school, pick her up and help her with homework. I have to cook, clean, bathe her, do laundry, etc. There are days when I just lose my patience.Angelu. The aspect of time. As much as I want to be a hands-on mom, take care of my kids and see them grow each day, I can’t. I have to work full time to provide for their needs. The fact that I still live with my mom makes it a bit easier for me. When I’m out working like a "father", mom becomes the "mother/grandmother"… everything.How have you dealt with the financial problems of bringing up the child? How has the father faced or is facing this concern?
Maribel: I feel fortunate not to feel burdened with the separation. The father is a good provider and very responsible in his obligations to the kids. We have only parted as husband and wife. But as parents, we are still very united. It’s important to be on a friendship mode with your ex. Besides, a woman should get a life, have her own career and hobbies, whether she’s a single parent or not. It empowers you, gives you the courage to get out of a relationship if you feel it’s needed. Jenine. He shoulders half of her tuition, which is a big help to me. Since being an artist isn’t really a stable profession, I’ve learned to branch out into other fields like floral design, talent management and being part of a magazine to tide our needs over. My new occupation reads: "Jill-of-all-trades"! Ha, ha, ha! Bottom line is, I’d do anything to put food on my daughter’s table. Isabel: I’ve worked hard for my child. If the father helped out, that was just an added bonus. As a single parent, I had to be responsible enough to take care of my son’s needs and mine as well. Alma: The father supports the household, so I have no problem with that. Bunny: When my ex and I fought, the financial part was one of the main reasons I had to move to the US. I wanted to give a better future for my child and make both ends meet. To date, there are signs of willingness to help out financially, but no regular help that comes in to help bring up the child. I do pray that he finds it in his heart to give support.Angelu: Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and most especially financially, the fathers are not facing the problems with me. I can say I solve every problem myself when it comes to my kids. But I do hope they will try to help me when it comes to their daughters’ education.Do you feel any stigma from being a single mom from your community, church, the kids’ school and colleagues? Maribel: Never. Stigma occurs where there is a high level of intolerance. Manila is a wild city. Very open. Single parents are quite common. I’m being judged as a person, not on the basis of my failed marriage which is just a small part of my being.Jenine: In the dating scene, guys would think really hard before they consider having a serious relationship with me. Casual dating is okay. But when it comes to anything more than that, I easily lose out to other single women (with no kids). They probably find my situation too complicated to deal with. I have yet to meet a guy I like who can proudly bring me home to Momma and tell the world, "She’s mine! Yes, and hers, too!" I remember going to a parents’ retreat I was required to attend in my daughter’s Catholic school. I felt so alone and misunderstood. I squirmed in my seat as most of them came in pairs. The talk focused on "family" an ideology that I firmly believe in but was denied the privilege of having. Not by choice, but by fate.Isabel: It was hard to be young, have responsibility and a career of your own. It was very hard to be a single mom especially in the early years as society wasn’t ready and open about matters like that. But I was dedicated to leading a life of responsibility and accountability to my son and myself.Alma. Before I got pregnant, almost all of my friends were already single moms who also tried their best to have a family. I became open to the reality that there are things we can’t control, people we can’t change, and we just have to accept the situation and move on. Bunny: I didn’t feel any stigma because my family and especially my mom and sister were very supportive of me. They accepted what had happened in my life. They were more excited that a baby girl was an addition to our family. Nowadays, this kind of situation happens to a lot of women and hopefully they become responsible parents.Angelu: Stigma? It’s a given I guess. Our culture dictates for us to be a "Maria Clara" and that is the problem. Women/girls are not educated enough to know their rights; to protect and respect themselves not just from getting pregnant but by having STD and other illnesses caused by lack of education when it comes to sex. It just pains me that they make the kids feel the stigma, too. It’s just that no one could look down on me, hurt me, offend or degrade me unless I allow them. It’s just funny that even if they don’t intentionally make you feel it... you do! You see it in their actions, the way they look at you and your kids, the way they talk to you, etc. But again I can’t blame them. I made some wrong decisions, But giving birth to my two beautiful daughters was the best decision I ever made in my life! (E-mail me at bibsyfotos@yahoo.com.)