Yes, happiness is having a daughter

The author, 27, a resident of Cebu City, is currently employed as a writer for the DSWD Field Office 7’s anti-poverty called CIDSS. She used to be a sportswriter at the Freeman newspaper before joining public service.

Talking to a friend over dinner one weekend, she asked me, "Are you happy being a mom?" Admittedly, the question had taken me aback, considering our subject matter had suddenly made a 360 degree turn. One second we were busily discussing the gimmicks we had in college and in the next, she swiftly moved to motherhood. Quite off-tangent, I must say.

For a minute there, I was suddenly transported back to the time when my daughter and I were watching Pixar Entertainment’s cartoon animation Finding Nemo last year. If not for my daughter constantly pressing me to buy a CD, I wouldn’t have any idea that it would pave the way for me to rediscover the parent in me.

Much to my surprise, it was not only my daughter who enjoyed watching the film. I suddenly dived into a whole new world of computer-animated fun, fantasy and heartfelt emotion with this stunning underwater adventure.

This fishy tale follows the oceanic antics of the overly cautious Marlin the clown fish who is frantically in search of his only child, Nemo, after he is caught by scuba divers and taken to a dentist’s surgery as a present for the latter’s niece. Marlin, the worrying father who’s biggest adventure to date was to take his son to school in the morning, is suddenly thrust into a world full of dangers that must be overcome if he ever wants to see his son again. Buoyed by the companionship of a friendly-but-forgetful fish named Dory, Marlin finds himself the unlikely hero of a thrilling journey to rescue his son.

One of my favorite moments in the film is probably the time Marlin scooped the only remaining egg left after that ferocious Barracuda attacked and eventually killed his wife Coral and their hundred dozens of unborn fishes. I was extremely roused when Marlin stroked the egg and said, "There, daddy’s here. I won’t let anything happen to you." It was so poignant a scene that even the hardened of individuals could not stop themselves from getting a little misty-eyed.

I held my daughter tighter as she sat there on my lap, animatedly watching Nemo’s adventures. The scene brought me back to the time when I was pregnant with her. Oh, how confused was I then! I was 23, and I was already bent on pursuing my long-term goal of earning a masteral degree. My parents were all set to build that dream for me. Although my husband proposed marriage the moment he found out about my predicament, there was still that inexplicable isolation deep within me. I knew standing up to my ill-timed pregnancy would mean turning my back on an opportunity of a lifetime. I explored all possibilities to get rid of my unborn baby, and yet all efforts were futile. After four months of trying to hide the grim scenario from my parents, I realize that my baby, like her mom, was a real survivor. A fighter. In my mind, I felt that my daughter was begging me to give her a chance. And I did just that.

Finding Nemo was an eye-opener. What if I lost my baby? Would I be as contented with my life as I am now being a mother? What kind of life would I be living if I had successfully terminated the innocent fetus in my womb? Would I face its cruel consequences amidst the accomplishments that I may have gotten as a result of my dream?

I am one of those innumerable mothers who are forced to marry the father of their children because of untimely pregnancy. I am an ambitious woman, and I know I would have made it big had I pursued my ambitions back then. But I have no regrets. The joys of being a mother far outweigh any or all difficulties. Being a mother entails a lot of sacrifice on my part. I’ve made quite a few difficult choices for the sake of my baby. The masteral degree still appeals to me as it did three years ago, but my priorities have changed over time. I have stood up after the fall with my chin still up, wiped the dust off my body and am slowly moving on with my life together with my family, piece by piece. Never say never, my husband always gently reminds me.

My daughter has given me a million reasons to be grateful for. Because of her, I’ve given myself a chance to slow down and bask in the pleasure of being alive. Life is too precious to be taken for granted. She has taught me to let go of matters that are mundane. It’s hard to pinpoint one specific instance that has given me the most joy as a mother, because anything and everything I do with my daughter never fails to make me happy. Every little thing she does is such a joy. I could not thank her enough for being so full of love and positive energy. Because of her existence, I have rediscovered the beauty of things that I somehow took for granted because they were so constant. Because of her, I’ve learned to love myself even more.

I still have a long way to go as far as parental efficiency is concerned, and in my heart, I know I will forever make up for my daughter for those times I had thought of giving her up. Sometimes at night, as I sing my baby to sleep, I could not stop myself from crying. I love my daughter so very much that it hurts. I don’t know what my life would be like without her in it. It is true indeed that life can be best appreciated through the eyes of a child.

On that night when we watched Nemo, she asked me why I was crying and I told her "Mama is happy, that’s why." I was so surprised when my daughter unexpectedly hugged me, stroked my hair, wiped my tears and said in Cebuano, "Don’t worry, Ma, Bonkai is here." It was more or less similar to that scene in Finding Nemo, however, in our scene, it was my daughter intimately comforting me. I do not know where she learned to do that, but I wept like a baby when I told my husband later that evening about the episode with my daughter. Like me, he, too, was surprised.

My daughter watches the original Finding Nemo VCD her Ninong Leo gave her on her birthday almost everyday. It has become my favorite movie since. During my days-off or even after office, we watch it together. And like the overcautious daddy of Nemo, I, too, have become overtly protective of my daughter. I always see to it that I take part in all of her activities, big or small. To that effect, I stop being her parent and embark on a role of a playmate.

I am grateful that God had enlightened my mind when I was at the lowest point of my life. I constantly ask Him for forgiveness for the shortcomings I had committed along the way. There is exactly no way can I thank Him enough for giving me this life. Motherhood may have its share of ups and downs, but as I said earlier, having a daughter far outweighs any or all impediments.

Going over to that question my good friend asked me, I told her yes, I am happy. Motherhood brought out the best in me. Perhaps it is true, as what erstwhile Ms. Universe Sushmita Sen of India said, the essence of a woman is a mother. It reaffirms me both as a woman and a mother when, even if I totally did not expect anything, my daughter stops mid-play to wrap her tiny flabby arms around my waist to say, "Love You, Mama!" No amount of money can equal, or even comes close to that, the feeling every mommy feels when she hears her child tell her that. And one day, she too, will understand and appreciate the treasures that motherhood will bring the same way that I did.