There have been successive articles on love in Por Vida recently. It is because February, to most of us, is love month. I had this popular notion in mind when writing those columns and wanted to go along with the season. To my big surprise, my casual thoughts seem to strike one reader in some special way, and he is now asking me for help.
To be honest, I’m no expert in the area of helping people solve their romantic and marital problems. And, in general, the ideas I express here are personal opinions and not authority statements. But this young man out there is planning to get married soon, and there’s something about it that bothers him quite much.
This guy faces a question that’s becoming increasingly common among young people on the verge of committing themselves to a lifelong relationship. He says he needs some mature, wise counselling. I think, though, that maybe he only needs to get certain things off his chest.
I believe it’s good for anyone contemplating on a major life move, like getting married, to consider the matter very carefully. The effort can avert a lifetime of overdue bills, broken self-esteems, nasty marital fights, drug-dependent kids, and other troubles. So, I decided to devote today’s column on this young man’s woes.
Our distraught groom-to-be is a 30-year-old call center supervisor. Much as he loves his girl, he is in a quandary whether or not to sign a marriage contract with her. “She wants us,” he relates in his email to me, “to have a separate contract spelling out how we share domestic duties, the raising of the children, and requiring mutual agreement on such things as where we will live, how we will spend our money, and so on.”
The extra nitty-gritty scares lover boy. His girl has a better job than he has, and she has a better professional future. She had just passed the Bar exams. And she also wants it in the separate contract that if they have children, the spouse with the better income will work while the other one takes care of the home and kids.
At first he thought it was okay since he loves the girl anyway. And he knows of at least one couple who does it that way and is doing quite well. He has also read an article in a magazine that explained why a meticulously detailed marriage contract is good, and it made sense to him.
But now he’s getting worried. He has come to realize that he doesn’t know much about legal matters. When he buys things he usually doesn’t bother to look at the fine prints, not even the large prints if the thing he’s buying looks all right to him.
“How do I know what I’m getting myself into?” he asks. “I can’t imagine myself devoting all my time just taking care of the house and kids. I want to marry her, but I don’t even know enough about law to be sure if the terms in the contract are fair for both me and her. What do I do?”
There’s an old maxim that says: “When not sure, don’t do.” I don’t understand why it is necessary to have a meticulously detailed marriage contract that states a lot of other things aside from the general, sincere promise to stay loyal to your spouse “for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, and for better or for worse.”
Or, why don’t you open up to your beloved? Tell her what’s bothering you. Hold her hand firmly and say to her: “Look, darling, if you can’t trust the man you’re going to marry, who can you trust?” But, also, be aware that you yourself do not actually trust the girl you love; otherwise you won’t be bothered with the extra contract she wants you to sign.
Asking her to trust you won’t probably work, since she wouldn’t be asking you to sign an extra contract in the first place if she trusted you. In fact, if she really trusted you, she wouldn’t be marrying you. She’d be content for the two of you to just live together as modern best friends and bed partners.
The question, then, is whether you want to agree to spend the rest of your life with someone who has so little faith in you that she takes you like a stranger who walks in off the street to her office and asks to use her toilet.
Better yet, look into yourself and find out what it is that’s making your girl see you the way she does. Maybe she truly loves you, but just cannot ignore the clear danger signs she sees in the person that you are. In that case, that’s quite a great love she has for you, for her to decide to marry you in spite of her doubts.
(EMAIL: modequillo@gmail.com)