Gwiftlist 2009

Time once again for “gwifts” — science and tech gifts for the holidays that are either really for sale or if not, should be. 

1. Roomba Sympathetic vacuum cleaner. If you feel like your housemate is a hopelessly insensitive about helping you out with chores, just get Roomba. Roomba cleans or cuddles up with you, depending on the expression it reads on your face. This is a real item in stores now.

2. Déjà vu Camwear. I saw this déjà vu camwear in one of the science stores online. It is a videocam attached to a baseball cap and records the last 30 seconds of any conversation you just had. The site suggests that you “use it to win an argument with your spouse.” It will work if she does not bonk you on the head and smash the camera.

3. Giant Posh Microbes. Don’t know what to give to the innocent and sweet girl who squirms at anything that does not have “Sanrio” stamped on it? Described in the store that offers them as “cute and fluffy diseases”, these stuff toys are in the shape of pathogens — bacteria and viruses. Diseases have never looked so cuddly.

4. Double purpose brassiere. If you are one of those who have always felt strongly that a brassiere should really serve more than one purpose, then get this IgNobel award-winning piece. It is a bra that turns into a gas mask for yourself and for another one (since you only need one of the cups) who would surely be grateful but only after laughing his or heart out.

5. Appointment with Platinum Blue Music Intelligence. I do not know how much they charge but these are for your family and friends whose dreams include coming up with songs that would hit the top of the charts. Platinum Blue has found a pattern for what makes a song a hit and they fall into 60 mathematical patterns. Hitting any of those clusters would guarantee a hit. I wish there were also clusters that would signal catchy but inane songs in variety shows so we could filter them out of our TV sets.

6. Replica of George Wash dentures. Washington’s dentures were a combination of human and hippopotamus teeth as well as ivory from elephant set in gold plates and gold springs. Give this to those who are always complaining that they do not have the latest gadgets and do not have an appreciation of how tools developed in history.

7. The Heroes of Scientific Discovery. This is your alternative to sporting elves to entertain your little ones. These science GI Joe’s are only 3” tall. Carry Curie, Einstein, Newton, Darwin, and Tesla. If before this, your family and friends only suspected that they have lost you to geekland, they can now rest assured they finally have, completely.

8. Magic Fish. This is for people who still think that life spontaneously burst into existence as is. Let them see for themselves. Apparently for this real kit, you just add water to hatch and raise your swimming pets! There are real fish eggs in this kit, some of which when activated by water will hatch within one to 24 hours. This is also a good test if you want to raise anything bigger, like a family. If you can’t raise a fish with this kit that comes with complete instructions, you better think twice about raising anything.

9. Catapult Kit. This medieval weapon is really available in science gadgets on line. It is perfect for your friends or relatives who are rather motion-challenged (translation: lazy). Empower them with the Catapult Kit. It is just like the medieval version — a machine on wheels with a basket attached to a long wooden arm and a power source (tension, torsion, traction, or gravity) for hurling objects. Watch them demonstrate Newton’s law by flying 10 feet or more. Knights not included.

10. The power to be busy but do nothing. Offer this realization to your family and friends who do video games, email, social networking sites, YouTube, mobile phones or TV at the SAME TIME that you have to surgically remove them from these media to get their attention. An experiment this year shocked the pride of cyber-users by showing that those who are engaged in media multi-tasking are really achieving nothing, except for sheer frenzy and degrading their own mental abilities. The only body parts that seem to get smart with media multi-tasking are thumbs.

Happy science shopping.

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