Shakespeare for e-diots and other science gift ideas for 2005

The holiday season is now at our doorstep and it is time for this column’s gift ideas based on this year’s developments in science. But first, I am obliged to tell you that the list below is not for the faint of heart nor am I claiming responsibility for any perplexity or distress that any of these gifts may cause the giver or their recipients. If you experience any of these things, you may want to consider upgrading your sense of humor (I cannot help you with upgrades although you can check with eBay). Below is my list of suggested gifts:

1. A regular online subscription to all doomsday announcements from all over the world. This is for those who want to make sure they are all packed and ready for THE end. There have been at least 63 "false alarms" (obviously) since 53 A.D. but you never know. (It comes with a free extra overnight pack in case there is a 24-hour error in the calculation. No refunds, though, if the end does not occur on the date you picked but you get a discount if you renew your subscription.)

2. Morality-seismic meter. This is a gadget you can use so you can check on demand whether the latest "bad" thing you did is causing some stress on the tectonic plates or giving rise to other geologic disturbances. This will be especially comforting to those who insist that earthquakes and tsunamis happen only to "bad" people. (Note: You have to have a non-detectable capacity for logic to buy this gadget.)

3. A larger-than-life, high-resolution tarpaulin poster of a religious leader dressed in red-striped suit topped with a rainbow-colored bow tie, with description-caption: "Intelligent Design?" This is for those who are still undecided on whether Intelligent Design should be taught in schools as science. Guaranteed to swiftly make up the minds of the undecided upon receipt of the poster.

4. Karaoke Mous-ic. This year, scientists added mice to the list of animals which serenade their potential mates. The mouse serenade, however, is ultrasonic (i.e., human ears cannot hear it). But what the heck. This is for those who want an alternative to otherwise well-meaning dates whose karaoke performances suck. For those who want an upgrade, a symphony, which combines all the other ultrasonic serenades known to science by bats, dolphins, whales and porpoises is available. (Note: Non-compatible with the music of Jose Mari Chan – whew!).

5. Shakespeare for e-diots. A mobile phone service is now translating some classic literature into text language ready to be sent as SMS to subscribers. Ready for "2BrNT2B"? I think it comes with Shakespeare’s "e-spirit" raining down expletives on what mobile technology has done to the classics (if not, it should!).

6. Hi-tech memorial plans. These include plans like Biopresence where the dearly departed’s DNA is inserted into the cell of a tree. In the spirit of Carol Linnaeus, father of taxonomy, who used the names of his less-favored friends to name weeds and unpleasant-looking species, you have the same option to choose the tree for a "departed" who was, well, "not-so-dear." For the nonsensical and the ones in a hurry to become fossil fuel, science offers the freeze-dried burial service where the dearly departed is promptly frozen in liquid nitrogen, blown into bits and scattered on the ground before Pumba and Elton John can finish singing the Circle of Life.

7. Tummy-sensitive lie detector. Research this year has confirmed that indeed, digestive tract wave activity is also indicative of a person’s state of truthfulness. (Warning: Spicy foods, dairy intake of lactose-intolerant people may really screw up their results.)

8. Paid subscription to Chemistry.com. To those who are not satisfied with the regular online dating service and who fantasize that an online dating service "validated by PhDs" means that nerds and geeks know so much more about your chances for love.

9. A guided tour of a blackhole in Sta. Maria, Bulacan. Give this to those who think they have seen and been everywhere. A few months ago, some newspaper columnists, including myself, received suspenseful installment e-mails from this messianic nutcase named Ben Juan who could not make up his mind whether he was a prophet or a dolphin (he calls himself a "cetacean man" which is an oxymoron), living in a cave he calls a "blackhole" in Sta. Maria, Bulacan. Guaranteed to suck the sanity out of anyone.

10. Replacement rubber testicles. This 2005 IgNobel prize-winning invention is designed for neutered dogs and comes in three different sizes and varying degrees of firmness. (Note: Yes, ladies, men may be "dogs" at times but I have not yet come across rubber replacements for human male castrati but, ah, never despair, as the spirit of invention never sleeps.)

11. Alarm clock that runs away and hides. This also won this year’s IgNobel award for economics. This is for the family member who thinks that the five-minute snooze time can be as tensile as spiderweb. By the time he/she catches the alarm clock, he/she would already be among the "living."

12. Space tour or anti-gravity tour. Space travel is now available for the ones who have millions of dollars in disposable income. Or for a few thousand dollars, you can float weightless in an anti-gravity vessel (a.k.a "vomit vessel") where astronauts practice. I especially recommend this to those unimaginative and tasteless college kids who have not heard of gift # 11 and who need to adjust their body clock (and their sense of adventure) so that they will not be late for school and use daddy’s chopper to fly them there, puzzling the living daylights out of students, professors and meditating Jesuits in a Loyola campus one quiet day. (Reality check: Public school kids walk to school bringing their own chairs – hello, you bring your own chopper?!?!)

13. Trust potion. Experiments on oxytocin, a hormone that gives rise to feelings of nurturing and attachment, seem to make people more trusting when they ingest it. This may be a handy spray for all government officials whom the public deeply distrusts. (Warning: There may not be enough oxytocin in the planet to override the level of distrust the public has now.)

14. Brain donation: The BBC News last Sept. 6 reported that there has been a shortage of brain donations being used in scientific research to study neurological conditions. So if you are feeling purposeless, you might want to consider donating your brain to science. I think they accept brains in all conditions – "used," "slightly used," ‘damaged," "slightly damaged" – as long as it is not missing – even if it only has one neuron.

So there goes the list. And you thought science was a cold discipline and had nothing to contribute to the spirit of the holidays? Shame on you…

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