Golden friends

"Who are those people?!?!" I remember that question being asked by the character played by Holly Hunter, who in that movie scene, decided to head for the door to take a breather from all the stress from her weekend family reunion. And remember those old 50s’ Tagalog movies where the patriarch would always get a heart attack, provoked by the wayward son or daughter? Well, it seems like it is really great to have a big, loving family… in another country (I think it was George Burns who said that.)

Tell me one who can’t relate to all that. We all love our families but how could they stress us out so much? But it seems to be a different story when it comes to our friends. I, for one, am deeply grateful that I have very close friends with whom I have had a long history; and we have helped each other through the different stages of our lives without stressing each other out. I think this is also why the Golden Girls sitcom was such a hit. It resonated with an important truth about our life experiences. And it seems that science has come up with a study, suggesting that friends, rather than family, can make you live longer.

Their findings appear in the July issue of The Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health. The study was led by Lynne C. Giles, a doctoral student at Flinders University in Adelaide and involved more than 1,400 men and women aged 70 and older over a span of 10 years. Their studies suggested that even after considering factors like sex and health habits, having close friends was the common significant factor that enabled them to live longer, and being close to family, while not shortening lifespan, did not really have an effect on longevity.

This kind of study may send the vanguards of the traditional nuclear families either scratching their heads or up in arms, defending the primacy of family in any aspect of life. Perhaps it will be good to look or watch out for further similar studies across different cultures because this study certainly flies in the face of long-held beliefs, particularly in our culture, that in the end, no one will love you like your family. While that maybe true in your funeral, it seems to be a different story before you get there. It seems that friends are really the ones we seek not to kill hours with but to live.

Maybe it has to do with the "come-as-you-are" rule in friendships, while with family, you do not only visit with a baggage of pasalubong (bring-home gifts) but with a lot of anxiety, too, thinking of what family expects of you. Imagine all that stress being heaped on your cells and your brain for a lifetime. It also makes me think of that really hazy category under which a life partner belongs. He or she is first a friend, then also becomes family later. I wonder if the "friendship" aspect of that partnership also has an effect on the longevity of each of the partner that can be studied.

I do not think the doctor will prescribe that you stay away from family reunions if you want to live longer. But I can bet you can turn the research finding around by having family become your friends. I have no illusions that this will work well for each and every member of the clan but I have tried it and it seems to be possible, to my joy and gratitude.

This study also has implications on how society will take care of older people. For one, I think there should be public places where older people are allowed to take in the days and nights at their own pace, with their friends. Young people may make fun of older people in cafés and plaza benches congregating and just talking about the same old things, but what they may not know is that they have reached that stage because they have discovered the secret of enjoying life longer. I have known a few older people who, upon being sent away from easy access of visiting friends, have deteriorated and died right away. Jeanne Calment, the longest-living human ever known, died in a nursing home in southern France in 1997 at 122 years old. I would want to know if, aside from sturdy genes, having friends figured prominently in her very long life.

Once again, science just provided evidence to what our experiences already taught us to be true. I can now hear Andrew Gold’s Golden Girls’ theme song in my head with the chorus that goes:

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say,

Thank you for being a friend.

Indeed, if I reach a ripe old age, I will sing that to my golden friends with my white hair, osteoporosis and all.

* * *

For comments, e-mail [email protected]