Visit America: A survival guide

MANILA, Philippines — Filipinos hoteliers are often offended when other countries issue travel advisories about us. “How unfair,” we say. “That hostage-taking / beheading / massacre was an isolated event. Why condemn the whole country?”

Today the shoe is on the other foot. Kind of. Around the world, people hear stories of unpleasantness involving tourists, immigrants and American citizens in the US.

In a magnanimous frame of mind, I set out to disprove the bad press. Last May, I entered in San Francisco and zigzagged down to Santa Barbara. This time, I entered in Los Angeles and am touring the Southwest. So let me come right out and say it:

Visit America.

Yes, you can.

Okay, if you never had a US visa, now is not an ideal time to be applying. But if you already got your visa and are worrying about whether to go, I’m talking to you, the first-time or second-time Filipino tourist to the US.

Go. (Unless your plan is to go illegal. Don’t).

In two parts, here is my best advice on how to ensure a pleasant holiday.

Start with getting in, and safety basics.

One, be very clear where you are spending your x number of days. If there’s a multicity itinerary, write it out so you can recite it confidently if the ICE agent asks. Bring $2,000-$5,000 in cash (know exactly how much), and two credit/ATM cards. Bring a bank balance certification. Delete from your phone any mention of trying to find a job outside the Philippines, and any criticism of any person or agency of the US government.

Two. Believe the US FDA when it says chicharón and mangoes are not allowed. Mang Tomas and banana ketchup, too, because they contain banned ingredients.

Need pasalubong? Delight your friends with Plantation Prime gourmet canned food. Flavors include kare-kare and Bicol Express, and each P250 can will feed two to four. Free delivery in Metro Manila. The US Department of Agriculture allows “retort-canned meat” for personal consumption, defined as 50 pounds. So if you bring about 10 cans each, you should be safe (but you still need to declare).

Three, pack very very light, only what will fit in an approved carry-on. (Though you’ll need to check your bags if bringing canned food.) Do not appear to Customs agents as if you’re planning to stay a decade. Ladies, one black dress, one beige skirt (wear this on the flight), one nicer pair of shoes (wear your walking shoes on the flight). Two tops, one pair of shorts, one pair of pants, two Ralph-Lauren type shirts. Three changes of underwear and a vial of Woolite. Gentlemen, figure it out. If you’re going to need winter clothing, carry it aboard, or it will take up half your bag.

Four. Do not carry a wallet or purse. Fold your money and carry it in a secret pocket or inside your waistband. Keep two separate stashes of cash, so that if mugged you can surrender the smaller stash. Separate your credit and ATM cards, and be OC about where they are. Never leave your passport in a parked car or in your luggage. Always carry it in a secret pocket inside your pants, or a travel vest so useful you will never ever take it off except to bathe (on sale soon at Plantation Bay Bazaar).

Now comes the hard part for Filipinos.

Do you want Americans to treat you well? Then be courteous, respect them, and respect yourself. Amazingly few tourists have figured this out.

First, dress neatly and appropriately. Too many tourists, like my cousin Chick, think they can dress like homeless people. Then they wonder why the natives treat them contemptuously.

No, not fake Hermes. A decent dress, or long pants and a collared, sleeved shirt. Definitely not a sleeveless undershirt for a man, or belly-overflowing jeans for a woman. Proper dress shows respect for those around you. Do it, and you’ll be amazed at how much better Americans treat you.

Second, put away the cellphones. In the Philippines, you think the phone makes you look important, needing to be in constant touch with the incompetent minions laboring in your vast business empire. In the US, public phone conversations have gone down-market very fast. In my four weeks here so far, I have not seen a single person on the phone in public for longer than a few seconds, except a homeless woman with dementia. As usual, Plantation Bay was ahead of the curve; we banned phone conversations in restaurants 20 years ago.

Avoid calling attention to yourself with loud voices or laughter. Remember you are a guest, and that you are also reflecting on all Filipinos.

Third, obey rules and behave courteously. Hold doors open for people. Let other drivers in your lane without a fight. In case your parents or school didn’t teach you, say “Please” and “Thank you.” In hotels, be the first to greet fellow guests; they won’t expect it from an Asian, but will be pleasantly impressed if you do; and this gets more and more true the higher-class a hotel you’re staying in, but will win you friendly respect even in a Motel 6 or at a gas station.

Fourth, tip 20 percent. This is now the standard in most metropolitan areas. Just do it.

Welcome to America.

For more about the author, please see plantationbay.com/cred