Covert manipulative leaders

Leaders are called to inspire, encourage and influence their people. Many in my Level Up Leadership seminars get it. But others don’t.

They take this to mean that leaders should manipulate, deceive, exploit and dupe their people into doing what they want.

While we frown upon this nasty attitude and character flaw, we may have to realize that covert manipulators do not always recognize what they are doing.

Seth Gillihan is a psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. In an intriguing post on Psychology Today, he defines covert manipulation as “subtle ways of trying to influence what other people think, feel and do.”

He writes that many of us engage in covert manipulation without realizing it. It can become “habitual and automatic, almost outside conscious awareness.” We can also be good at convincing ourselves that our manipulative behavior serves some worthy purpose.

For example, when we tell a potential customer that their new hairstyle makes them look 10 years younger, we’re just trying to make someone feel good, not hoping to win a juicy business deal.

Of course, a certain amount of manipulation may be just part of doing business.

For example, when Paul Allen and Bill Gates learned that the first affordable personal computer, the Altair 8800, was about to come out, they told the company they had gotten the then-popular Basic programming language to run on the machine – even though they hadn’t written a line of code and didn’t even have access to an Altair 8800.

(When the computer’s designer agreed to a demo, they quickly wrote the code, and it worked.)

But misleading your customers, investors or – worst of all – your employees can lead to mistrust that winds up sinking your business.

If you’re doing it unconsciously, getting a handle on that behavior before it damages your business or personal relationships is important.

Gillihan says, ask yourself these four questions. If you answer yes to more than one or two, it may be time to closely examine your behavior, explore your motivations and perhaps make some adjustments before it’s too late.

Are you selective about sharing information with those who need it?

When you selectively withhold information from people who legitimately need to make decisions, you may be drifting into covert manipulation.

For example, if you tell your business partner all the advantages of agreeing to a deal but hold back information about the possible challenges, that is manipulation.

Do you choose your words very carefully and rehearse things you plan to say?

If you are presenting to your board of directors, then rehearsing is a wise thing to do.

But if you routinely pre-play most conversations in your head or spend a lot of time carefully selecting each word for its desired effect, that might be manipulation.

Even if it isn’t, taking so much care with what you say can also makes you appear stiff and unspontaneous and seem like you have something to hide. Consider loosening up a little.

Do you engage in flattery?

If you find yourself complimenting someone when you don’t mean it, there’s a decent chance you’re trying to manipulate them.

You might get away with it. But over time, frequent flattery can erode trust.

When the time comes for you to praise someone sincerely, your words may lack impact because you’ve cheapened them with too many compliments that you didn’t mean.

Do you adjust your behavior according to who’s watching?

For example, if you routinely change your behavior to make sure someone sees you working on something, such as “productivity theater,” that’s a form of manipulation.

It’s also a shame because productivity theater drains actual productivity.

Research shows that employees put a lot of effort into making sure others see that they’re working when that effort could be better spent doing their jobs.

And suppose you’re adjusting your behavior to create the appearance of productivity or anything else that isn’t real. In that case, you’re subtly encouraging your employees and colleagues to do the same thing.

You are likely affecting other people’s productivity as well as your own.

Gillihan has some advice: Try approaching the problem with curiosity.

“Without judging yourself, consider what’s behind your manipulation. What needs are you trying to fulfill?” And, importantly, “What stops you from being more authentic?”

We may have been unaware that we are covert manipulators, but we can always change for the better.

Be honest, truthful and authentic. Do not forget that the Merriam-Webster Word of the Year in 2023 was authentic.

The young generation workforce would want nothing more than to serve under honest and truthful leaders, not manipulators.

I wouldn’t, would you?

Unlock your potential and propel your career forward at Level Up Leadership – The Excellence Advantage workshop seminar on April 8, 2025, at Rockwell Club, Makati. Reserve your seat now! Contact April at +63928-559-1798 or Savee at 0917-533-6817. Visit www.levelupleadership.ph for details. Limited seats available.