Guiding kids in a day of hyperbole

Let me feature an article by Tim Elmore, dated June 20, from his websites: GrowingLeaders.com and TimElmore.com. Tim is an educator and an excellent speaker. I was privileged to be in his audience in Atlanta a couple of years ago. Ever so generous, permission has been granted for me to share this. Here is what he says.

Have you noticed everything today seems exaggerated? Life is happening at high volume and intensity. In a noisy space, capturing people’s attention is the currency.

In such an era, we use hyperbole as we communicate. We send text messages using all caps, three emojis, and several exclamation points at the end of our message. Our posts on social media are often the same way. Back in 2015, Facebook and Twitter jointly announced that ALL CAPS would be banned from their networks. Yonathan Arbel and Andrew Toler from the University of Alabama School of Law found no evidence that all caps improved clarity over standard text. Marc Bodnick of Telepath says, “Ninety percent of the time I encounter exclamation points, they reduce my perceived credibility of the content and the author.” Yet this hyperbole is having a more sinister effect than this on our kids.

Could our hyperbole foster fragility?

I now wonder if our habit of exaggeration has impacted our interaction with children and teens:

Do we exaggerate our affirmation or criticism with words like “awesome” or “awful?”

Do teens become numb to all CAPS, exclamation points, and expressions of outrage?

Do we lose credibility by using hyperbolic language, making listeners stop believing us?

We’ve raised Generation Z in this kind of environment. For example, as they encounter challenging situations, parents want to express empathy and often do so disproportionately. We can treat small adversities as tragedies at school. We can go overboard when children fall and skin their knees, communicating our sympathy. This exaggeration can unwittingly condition them to feel triggered over small things. Over time, kids expect a hyper-reaction to any hardship, which nudges us to ramp up our sympathy further. Before we know it, we have a population of fragile college students, who require safe spaces, who need professors to soften their approach, and even demand that speeches on campus be removed if they feel harsh or controversial.

In short, I’d like to know if our hyperbolic approach to raising our kids has backfired. Indeed, our exaggerations aren’t the only reason for fragility, but too often, what we meant as helpful has become harmful.

This trend can also work in reverse. When we tell them they’re “amazing” for putting their spoon in the dishwasher, they begin to expect and need that feedback. At competitions, we’re giving away ninth-place ribbons and even trophies for participation. We want to ensure their self-esteem remains high, regardless of their effort. This has yet to prepare them for an employer who’ll likely see no merit in rewarding them for merely showing up. A chief human resources officer told me recently she hired “praise consultants” to keep up with her young team members’ need for affirmation on the job. So, how do we cultivate an agile generation, not a fragile generation, as they become adults?

What I recommend to those who’ve participated in hyperbole

Match your words with what they’ve done. If it’s a good job, say, “Good job.” Any more, and they recognize you’re not in touch with reality, or they begin to need this hyperbole. In our home, we all put our dishes in the dishwasher and received appropriate thanks.

Affirm variables that are IN their control, not OUT of their control. Author Carol Dweck reminds us that this fosters a growth mindset, not a fixed mindset. I learned to tell my daughter what made her most beautiful was her compassion for the marginalized.

Remind kids that each one is part of a whole. We stopped using the word “special” and used the word “unique.” We knew as our kids left for college, they’d meet other smart and talented students and wanted them to spot others’ uniqueness as well as their own.

Share more compliments than criticism—but share both so you’re believable. When we offered feedback for our kids’ work, we applauded their effort but wanted them to know if we saw room for improvement. They saw our love was unconditional yet honest.

Limit your words. As I learned to give myself boundaries on my comments, the law of “supply and demand” kicked in beautifully. Kids today are overwhelmed, so words mean more when used sparingly and judiciously. Balance and consistency are key.

End of article. Something to think about.

(Francis Kong’s podcast “Inspiring Excellence” is now available on Spotify, Apple, Google, or other podcast streaming platforms.)