Commentary: Understanding how we misunderstand others in organizations

“Strength lies in differences, not in similarities.”

This seemingly counterintuitive statement by the late Steven Covey has become a touchstone I have used in my practice. It is more second nature to us to gravitate towards the familiar, the similarities, but as this statement posits, there is much to be gained by embracing what makes us different.  

As I have journeyed with organizations over the past three decades, I have seen that it’s natural for them to focus on sharpening their business strategy and all things business. Strategy, as Michael Porter defines it, is a competitive position. It arises out of specific choices designed to deliver a unique value proposition that sets it apart from the competition. 

Obviously, this means understanding competition and the selected market an organization aims to serve. Around this core element of strategy, organizations evolve their vision, purpose or mission and the values that will guide their journey and decision-making.

To govern an organization well, there’s a need to keep an eye on the organization’s people dimensions, understand its unique attributes, culture, values and the different (sometimes conflicting) personalities of the people we work with.  

Interestingly, our engagements at the strategic level have naturally surfaced people dimensions as a factor to grapple with. No matter how well-crafted strategies are, if relationships or the people factor aren’t working well, organizations fail to advance or move forward. 

Stephen M. R. Covey, the son of the late Stephen Covey, wrote a book entitled, “The Speed of Trust: The One Thing That Changes Everything”. In his book, he wrote: “We judge ourselves by our intentions; others judge us by our behavior.”

The challenges revolving around people dimensions in organizations almost always have to do with a lack of understanding of how we tend to misunderstand others. Conflicts and miscommunication almost always come from a clash of the natural behavior styles of people. 

There is a common tendency to believe that good intentions are what matter most. Based on this, we tend to judge ourselves by our intentions, not realizing that others judge or see us based on our behavior. This is why an understanding of behavior is important.  

One helpful framework to understand behavior is the DISC Model of Behavior. The model was put together by William Moulton Marston, a physiological psychologist with a Ph.D. from Harvard. The model classifies people's behavior into four types namely: Dominance, Influence, Steadiness and Conscientiousness (DISC). Most people tend to fall into one or two main DISC styles.

D styles are motivated by the need to be in control and to be results-oriented and tend to be task-oriented. I styles are people-focused and are motivated by roles that require persuading or influencing others. S styles tend to be methodical and systematic in their work styles and like to anticipate the needs of others. C styles tend to focus on correctness and quality and may need more time to decide on matters.

The communication style of D styles is direct and straight to the point. Those with other styles may even tend to be uncomfortable with this or even feel offended. I styles prefer to communicate more, being more affirming of others and setting an informal setting. S styles tend to listen more than talk and project a more accepting aura towards others. C styles tend to be reserved, with their facial expressions revealing a questioning or assessing stance when communicating with others.

The D and C styles tend to be task-oriented while the I and S styles tend to be people-oriented. This explains typical "clashes" between the two sets of styles. Ds and Is tend to be extroverted, moving quickly while Ss and Cs tend to be more introverted in their approach and may be perceived as moving too slow compared to their D and I counterparts.

In understanding how we misunderstand others, it’s helpful to keep in mind the three As: Aware, Accept and Adapt.  We gain headway in understanding people's dimensions by being Aware of how we come across to others in terms of behaviour. Second, it helps to find ways to Accept that we all have strengths and improvement areas and that people are different. Building on Awareness and Acceptance of differences, we can find ways to Adapt to other people in ways that make our interactions more complementary.  

To apply these 3 A’s, authors Tony Alessandra and Michael O'Connor introduced the Platinum Rule, pointing out that the "Golden Rule" is not always the best way to approach people. Instead, they propose the Platinum Rule which says: "Do unto others as they'd like done unto them". The Platinum Rule, therefore, is a call to understand the behavior preferences of others, using the DISC Framework.  

For example, adapting to the D style means being straight to the point and focusing on results and giving them control or the last say. Adapting to the I style means ensuring a comfortable, friendly and affirming tone. 

Those with S styles prefer to be given a rundown of details since most of the questions they ask are on the "how" of things. The S style prefers routine and finds stability in predictability – fewer surprises, better. The C style typically asks the "why" questions and may come across as being too detailed.  

Sometimes, what seems secondary, like relationships, and people dimensions could be the very thing that could make or break even our best efforts. When we build a culture of focusing on people and what makes them tick, we can move forward with everyone on board, leaning into what’s next. 

After over two decades of experience in organization development consulting, Omy Romero, PhD, continues to engage individuals and organizations in their journey of seeking clarity on their identity, purpose and destiny. Most of his consulting engagements revolve around corporate purpose, vision, mission, values, culture and strategy. His focus has mainly been with family-owned businesses, helping them sustain success beyond the second and third generations. He believes in bringing faith-based values to the workplace, driven by a strong sense of mission.