How to be stressed in 2010

If you find year 2009 stressful, and you would want to maintain stressed in the New Year, then make sure you understand the principles why you should stay stressed.

And here are the reasons why staying stressed is so important:

• STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT: Anyone as stressed as you must be working very hard and, therefore, is probably doing something very crucial.

• IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY: Anyone as busy as you are certainly can’t be expected to form emotional attachments to anyone. And let’s face it, you’re not much fun to be around anyway.

• IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES: Obviously, you are too stressed to be given any more work. This gets you off the hook for all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of them.

• IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS: Why risk being successful when by simply being stressed you can avoid all of that? Stress can keep your performance level low enough that success won’t ever be a threat.

• IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH: Stress might be considered a cheap thrill, and you can give yourself a ‘hit’ any time you choose. But, be careful. You might get addicted to your own adrenaline.

• STRESS ALSO HELPS YOU KEEP YOUR AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE: The authoritarian style of ‘just do what I say!’ is generally permissible under crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently stressed crisis atmosphere, you can justify an authoritarian style all of the time.

And now that the New Year is here. Be sure you do the following in order to stay stressed:

• NEVER EXERCISE: Exercise wastes a lot of the time that could be spent worrying.

• EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT: Hey, if cigarette smoke can’t cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn’t likely to either.

• GAIN WEIGHT: Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.

• TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS: The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.

• GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM: Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.

• PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM: Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don’t take the time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!

• THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR: Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn’t be treated as one.

• MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE BE MACHO: Never ask for any help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!

• BECOME A WORKAHOLIC: Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.

• PROCRASTINATE: Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.

• WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN’T CONTROL: Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age. The credit crunch. Water deprivation. You know all the big issues.

• BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS: and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and or inadequate when you don’t meet them.

When you do all these I promise you life will become unbearable, you will become unbearable and you will lie down on your bed and wonder why some people just have the good fortune of being successful and happy and you don’t…. duh?!!

There will be challenges awaiting us but learn to live one day at a time. Never for a moment forget that God is still in control and that you are not God. 

(Francis Kong’s new book “Duh?!!” is now available in all leading bookstores nationwide.)