Chained to the past

There is an unseen hand that pulls our strings and makes us do the things we do. It’s the underlying reason why we behave in certain ways, a mold from which our characters are shaped. It’s called – the past.

I was once called to meddle in a brewing feud involving three friends and business partners. Carol, Gigi, and Linda were classmates in college and thought of doing business together. They started a fashion-accessories company that eventually grew to become one of the most successful medium-size businesses in the country.

Carol started the firm, and then the other two ladies joined in. They had fun, while making big money together. At one point, they had a workforce of 45 people and annual gross sales of several millions.

The three partners looked after different areas of the business, according to their individual expertise. Carol was in charge of designs, Linda for marketing the products, and Gigi was the chief financial officer. The business was growing at an incredible rate. Every year they doubled their sales.

The company grew too rapidly that Gigi, the finance partner, got overwhelmed and couldn’t keep up with the work. She started falling behind in her financial reports. Carol was getting so busy in coming up with new designs for their growing clientele and Linda was mostly out on client calls that nobody, except Gigi, seemed to notice the developing problem.

At first, the financial reports were a few days late, then two weeks late, then a month late. And then they stopped coming altogether.

Soon, Carol and Linda sensed the problem. They immediately set a meeting with Gigi, to inquire what was going on. Gigi became defensive and gave all kinds of reasons and excuses to justify her shortcoming.

That meeting did not yield good results. Gigi made promises, and eventually the financial reports showed up. But by the time these arrived, the reports were way out of date and useless.

Then the three met again. Carol and Linda again confronted Gigi about the delay of the financial reports. Again, Gigi was defensive. Carol and Linda were dismayed, but could do nothing other than sigh in frustration and silently hope that the situation would soon improve.

Still, there was no change – much less improvement – in Gigi’s performance. The other two partners decided on what was to be their final try. Matters were already getting too bad that they thought it couldn’t be any worse if the situation exploded into a full-blown disagreement. 

Carol, who’s my cousin, invited me to be around during their third meeting. I agreed, on the condition that she and Linda wouldn’t let smoke out of their noses when confronting Gigi. I suggested that they instead ask Gigi how they could help her in getting the financial reports done and ready on time.

In the discussion that ensued it became clear to me that Gigi was a self-sufficient type of person, who did everything on her own and had a great deal of pride as well as difficulty in reaching out for support. After all, Gigi had been a financial consultant to other small- and medium-size companies and should be able to do as well in their own business. She depended totally on herself and would break all her teeth biting the bullet rather than seek another’s assistance.

I later relayed my observations to Carol and Linda, in private. I also recommended that they better look at themselves first and see what behavior patterns they were locked into, before they proceed to gang up on Gigi. Then, things started to make better sense to the two.

In our long talk, we discovered some interesting childhood patterns. Both Carol and Linda came from families with three daughters each. As children they had both paired up with their closest sibling in collusion against the third. Carol and Linda were shocked to realize how they had re-created their childhood situations, now with Gigi being their third “sibling” in the business.

Carol and Linda’s pattern played directly into Gigi’s pattern of self-sufficiency, which in turn jeopardized their business. In order to unblock the stalemate and align their efforts towards beneficial results, they all had to break away from their old behavior patterns.

Gigi was the only girl in a family of five children, and was extremely good at math. She was admired by all the members of her family and was looked up to as the bright child who was wise beyond her years. She was overprotected and isolated by her four brothers, who always played sports together by themselves, excluding her. The little girl eventually learned to be content being on her own.

Growing up, Gigi managed to function independently. She earned others’ respect for her sense of reliability and her expertise on financial matters. For many years, she had held the position of comptroller in a major multinational company. Her pattern of autonomy and solitude took root. Gigi was never a team player.

I discussed with Gigi separately on how her “autonomous” attitude was undermining the wellbeing of their business and, possibly, her friendship with her two partners. I explained to her that it was okay to reach out for support. At the same time, I encouraged Carol and Linda to try rolling up their sleeves and actually munch the numbers with Gigi. This meant they themselves had to learn the task which they had previously relegated entirely to Gigi.

The three ladies came to understand that they’d been operating under automatic behavior patterns in their relationship with one another. Once they had released themselves from the chains of their past, their business and friendship grew stronger. They learned to better understand themselves, and each other.