Jokes for Mutombo

"Old men are dangerous, because they no longer care what will happen to the world." — Anonymous

Dikembe Mutombo is fuming mad. The Houston Rockets center and Georgetown alumnus has threatened to ask NBA commissioner David Stern to put a stop to all the jokes about his age. Of course, I wouldn’t really know what Stern can do about other people’s humor, so that won’t get too far. When did it merit a technical foul or suspension to crack a joke?

A couple of weeks ago, Mutombo climbed up to second on the all-time blocks list, surpassing Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and now chases countryman Hakeem Olajuwon. Before that, he had the added irritation of his children nagging him about getting the record.

At 40 (he was born on June 25, 1966), Mutombo is experiencing a renaissance of sorts. Ever since starting center Yao Ming went down with an injury, Mutombo has been playing well, and the Rockets have been winning. In their match-up with the Chicago Bulls, Mount Mutombo even out-rebounded Ben Wallace.

But the 16-year veteran, eight-time All-Star and owner of over 3,200 blocked shots wouldn’t hear the end of the jokes about his seniority, so he has said enough is enough. Perhaps, as James Simpson said, it’s because "Youth tends to look ahead. Old age tends to look back. Middle age tends to look worried."

In the spirit of lightening Mutombo’s mood (so he won’t be branded a crank old man, after all), this writer has gathered some of the wit and humor regarding old age, so all of us can have a good laugh at ourselves.

Come to think of it, that’s what Hollywood legend Ethel Barrymore once said: "You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself."

Entertainer Marie Osmond has some sage advice: "If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you may as well laugh about it now."

Another good policy to have would be the one actress Kathleen Turner employs when she says, "Professionally, I have no age." To this, Dan Ingrams declares, "Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."

Ironically, everyone would like to live long, but without having to grow old, just as much as everyone wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Television host Joan Rivers — who always uses more words than necessary, has a long one: "There are some advantages to getting old. First off, you’re too deaf to hear your doctor saying ‘You’re gonna die.’ Secondly, you get into the cinema at half price. They know you’ll go again because you won’t remember having seen the film before."

Talking about an acquaintance, funny man and baseball lover Rodney Dangerfield revealed "She’s so old that when she went to school, they didn’t have history."

"Middle age is when you’re faced with temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by 9 o’clock," according to the late former US president Ronald Reagan.

And there are benefits. Just listen to comedian Red Skelton who says "I don’t let old age bother me. There are three signs of old age: loss of memory — I forget the other two." Skelton also claims "My doctor said I look like a million dollars — green and wrinkled."

But at the end of the day, many people listen to the renowned author Ernest Hemingway, who was fond of having fun the old-fashioned way, hard and long. Hemingway firmly asserted that "Retirement is the ugliest word in the language."

And we can end with what an anonymous writer once put down, "Age will accomplish what talent has failed."

So there.

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You may reach this writer through [email protected].