For those who mourn

Death has been recurring frequently in our country. For the past weeks, reports of additional bodies recovered from the Bohol earthquake keep coming in. In the past years, thousands have perished in two major maritime disasters, the MV Princess of the Stars in 2008, and just recently, the MV St. Thomas Aquinas last August 2013.

 World War II massacre in Manila

My first notion of death was when I was a kindergarten child during the Japanese war massacre of Manila. My father was bayoneted to death by Japanese soldiers. He was found tied together with my Kuya Modesto, then a high school student from Ateneo, by the railway tracks of San Marcelino. They were captured as they tried to flee from our burning house on Ayala Boulevard. (Ayala Bridge leads to this boulevard, which connects the Malacañang area to the Philippine Trade School and Philippine Normal College along Taft Avenue.)

This was in 1945 when they were arresting all male residents of Manila who were either killed on the spot or massacred in groups of 20 to 30. The Japanese knew ahead of the Filipinos that the end was near. They resorted to the bloody rampage and burning of the city while American planes bombed strategic Japanese camps and headquarters to liberate Manila.

 Silence - to camouflage sorrow, fear, and anger

Except for shedding quiet tears for several days, my mother did not talk about Dad much. By then, we had already evacuated to my grandfather’s house in Singalong. Six families from our Ayala neighborhood joined us. They saw the corpse of papa and Kuya Modesto.

This coming weekend from October 31 to November 1, Filipinos all over the country will recall once more the Japanese massacre in the Philippines — a time when death came suddenly. More so, these past years, when “sudden deaths” due to disasters, natural calamities and crimes have become a daily occurrence.

Yet in our culture, our elders hide from us this feeling of devastation. Tears to Orientals are a sign of weakness. The pain of losing a beloved is simply shown by wearing black mourning clothes and a stoic facial expression, with the occasional wiping of tears. Traditional Chinese even hire “mourners” to accompany the funeral procession to the cemetery.

Recovery from loved one’s death

We need to mourn.

Because my mother would not talk to me about papa dying, I had no chance to grieve, to be helped to remember him — to cry for this terrible loss at an early age. When mama passed away due to chronic ulcers and peritonitis, it was different. I gave way to tears and relief that within four days, her spirit was relieved of her very damaged body — to rest in eternal peace with Our Lord.

Eda LaShan, a family counselor for more than 40 years, say “If a loved one’s death is not dealt with when it occurs, there cannot be a time of recovery and closure. You must allow yourself what you desperately need – time to weep and to rage against the fates that orphaned you in these tragic ways.” It might be a good idea to see a counselor, who specializes in grief or to join a support group with others who have suffered similar losses.

I allowed my teenage daughter Sara to cry (my two older daughters were abroad due to their international student exchange scholarships) with me.

Death brings back painful as well as good memories

The sudden passing away of mama brought back a flood of memories of how I related to her as a married woman. As the oldest of her children, I took her to live with us when we built our own house. She indulgently looked after my daughters as though they were her own. This is where we clashed. Deciding whether to let the children have their own way or restrict them to assume more and more responsibilities as they grew older. This hurt her, but she bore it calmly and patiently.

Still, her face broke out with allergy. Every time I would recall those bad moments, I would cry profusely and explain this to my daughter. One cries easily for the departed, usually due to a deliberate offense against her. The tears of atonement for having rashly offended the dead loved ones are therefore shed.

For children’s healthy awareness

It will not really hurt the children to see you cry. The tension in your body language, if you ignore your deep sadness, will be felt no matter how you try to cover it up. By holding and loving them, you gain strength to talk about your departed loved one.

Beyond the age of four, children will be old enough to ask questions and receive honest answers. In the meantime, go on a treasure hunt to fill in lost memories and create a family history; interview other relatives; look through photo albums, diaries, letters, report cards, birthday cards. The search may well bring back memories of your departed one that you can share with the large extended families common in the Philippines.

Loving testimonies about the departed

During the nine-day prayers after mama’s burial, the relatives closest to her gathered together for daily Mass. Each one had a special encounter of love with “Ate” (oldest sister). My Auntie Elis, the youngest among mama’s seven brothers and sisters, recalled how Ate would always help her out when she was in need. My cousin, Lito, whom we adopted when he lost his young parents during the bombing of Manila, recalled how Auntie Meding persistently completed three major orthopedic surgery operations to straighten his crooked legs, which resulted from contracting polio during the liberation.

Nonoy or Brother Tito to the Jesuits, my only brother, recalled how, although mama wished he would not enter the convent, she calmly resigned herself to his vocation and looked forward to weekends when he would visit. (Later on when mama passed away, together all the Jesuit priests celebrated a beautiful high mass in her honor. All in white vestments, I got the impression that they were angels sending mama to heaven. Below is the Jesuit prayer for the departed loved ones that we have been sharing with all our acquaintances.)

As the hidden gem of mama’s generosity and thoughtfulness were revealed by relatives, we were able to put together two beautiful, large albums of her childhood, her high school days, the courtship years, her wedding, her motherhood and her becoming a grandmother.

When you have mourned and recaptured your past, it will be joyous rather than painful for you to fill in the missing pieces for your children and grandchildren’s heritage.

The Christian View of Death

We picture Death as coming to destroy;

let us rather see it as Jesus Christ coming to save.

We think of Death as an ending;

rather, think of it as new life beginning.

We think of death as losing;

rather, let us think of it as winning, as final victory.

We think of Death as parting;

rather, think of it as a meeting… of loved ones.

We think of Death as going away;

rather, think of it as arriving… Home at last!

Death is not extinguishing the light. It is putting out the lamp – because

the DAY, THE ETERNAL DAY has dawned!

(For feedback email at [email protected])