New Year 2013: Resolve to remove cobwebs in your life

In January 1999, I had a series of articles on how to remove the constant clutter in our houses. Similarly, we must also know how to remove the cobwebs in our lives.

When we are immobilized by little things and are easily bothered, our “over-reactions” not only make us frustrated, they also get in the way of getting what we want. We tend to lose sight of the bigger picture, focus on the negative and may even annoy other people who might otherwise help up.

Everyday, a housewife cannot help but nag her housemaid either for mismatching her blouses and skirts or misplacing the special family silverware. The helter-skelter of the Metro Manila traffic can easily trigger a man’s anger that he’s likely to pull his gun and shoot the other driver.

Is your life one great emergency?

Are you one who lives your life as one great emergency? Do you find yourself rushing around looking busy, trying to solve problems, but in reality, are often compounding them? Does everything seem such a big deal and you end up spending your life dealing with one drama after another? When these plans happen, we fail to recognize that the way we relate to our problems has a lot to do with how quickly and efficiently we solve them.

When we learn the habit of responding to life with more ease, then problems that seemed “insurmountable” will begin to seem more manageable. And even the nagging things that are truly stressful, won’t throw you off track.

One of my efficient line managers tells me that she can never shut off from her work concerns in the school publication and foundation office, so that when she was on leave in Bangkok with her family, she had to make overseas calls. According to her, even when it comes to domestic concerns like tidying the house, she is the exact opposite of her husband, who takes time, “I do wonder how he can even drink a cup of coffee in between the various steps of washing the car!”

I told her that she has to learn how to relate to life in a softer and more graceful path that will make life seem easier for her and the people in it more compatible.

Strategies to approach life in a more accepting way

There are specific strategies that will help you respond to life more gracefully. Each strategy is simple, yet powerful and will act as a navigational guide to point you in the direction of greater perspective and more relaxed living.

First is to approach life in the path of least resistance. Secondly, as in the Zen philosophy, learn to “let go” of problems instead of resisting with all your might, so your life may begin to flow. You will, as the serenity prayer suggests, “Change the things that can be changed, accept those that cannot, and have the wisdom to know the difference.”

#1 Make peace with imperfection

Rather than being content and grateful for what we have, we are often focused on what’s wrong with something and our need to fix it. This happens between people of authority and subordinates — from parents and children, office managers and staff or teachers relating with their students.

When we zero-in on someone else’s “imperfections” — the way someone looks, behaves, or lives his / her life — the very act of focusing on imperfections pulls us away from our goal of being kind and gentle. This strategy has nothing to do with ceasing to do your very best but with being overly attached and focused on what’s wrong with life.

Connie, my senior teacher, tells me that she and her husband Mark get into heated arguments when it comes to child-rearing and disciplining of their two daughters, grade school and high school students. Mark is autocratic and when he says something the rule is “no ifs, no buts.” Connie being Montessori trained is more democratic so that she encourages their need to make decisions for which they have to be responsible.

Mark should understand that children outgrow their imperfections from childhood, adolescence and adulthood so long as they are well occupied.

#2 Compassion – a sympathetic feeling

Nothing helps us build our perspective more than developing compassion for others. It is the recognition that other people’s problems, their pain and frustrations, are every bit as real as our own — often far worse. Before, I would used to pray for patience when dealing with my then young house girl who grew up in the highlands of Gingoog. Even after a long time working in my household, she thinks she’s laundering clothes by the free flowing river in the mountains as she keeps our faucet running the whole day.

Compassion develops your sense of gratitude by taking your attention off all the little things that most of us have learned to take too seriously. It involves the willingness to put yourself in someone else’s shoe, to take the focus off yourself and to imagine what it’s like to be in someone else’s predicament.

As Mother Teresa reminds us, “We cannot do great things on this earth. We can only do small things with great love.”

When Gina came back after three years in her barrio, she’s more eager and patient to learn since her husband is still unemployed and her son is with her mother.

#3 Allow yourself to be bored

For many of us, our lives are so filled with stimuli, not to mention responsibilities, that it’s almost impossible for us to sit still and do nothing, much less relax — even for a few minutes. However, this does not mean hours of idle time or laziness, but simply learning the art of relaxing, of just “being,” rather than “doing,” for a few minutes each day.

From my late husband, Max, I learned that the beauty of doing nothing is that it teaches you to clear your mind and relax. Whenever he watched home movies or simply read his “spy” novels, it allowed his mind the freedom to “not know,” for a brief period of time what was happening in the country and the rest of the world. Just like his body, his mind needed an occasional break from his hectic routine.

Trying this may make you a little anxious at first, but each day it will get a little easier. So just allow your mind to take a break, so it comes back stronger, sharper, more focused and creative.

#4 Don’t interrupt others

Have you realized how destructive and how tremendous the amount of energy it takes to try to be in two heads at once?  When you hurry someone along, interrupt someone, or finish his or her sentence, you have to keep track not only of your own thoughts but of those of the person you are interrupting as well.  This tendency among busy people encourages both parties to speed up their speech and their thinking.  This in turn makes both people nervous, irritable and annoyed.  It is also one thing almost everyone resents, it’s someone who doesn’t listen to what they are saying.

 Tell yourself to allow the other person to finish speaking before you take your turn. You’ll notice right away, how much the interactions with the people in your life will improve as a direct result of this simple act. The people you communicate with will feel much more relaxed around you when they feel heard and listened to. Your heart and pulse rates will slow down, and you’ll begin to enjoy your conversations rather than rush through them.

#5 Let others have the glory

There is something magical that happens to the human spirit, when you cease needing all the attention directed toward yourself and instead allow others to have the glory.

Our need for excessive attention is that ego-centered part of us that says, “Look at me. I am special.” It’s that voice inside of us that may not come right out and say it, but that wants to believe that “my accomplishments are more important than yours.” The ego is that part of us that wants to be seen, heard, respected, considered special, often at the expense of someone else. It’s the part of us that interrupts someone else’s story, or impatiently waits his turn to speak so that he can bring the conversation and attention back to himself. When you immediately dive in and bring the conversation back toward you, you can subtly minimize the joy that person has in sharing, and in doing so create distance between yourself and others.

Although it is a difficult habit to break, it is not only enjoyable but actually peaceful to have the quiet confidence to be able to surrender your need for attention and instead share in the joy of someone else’s glory.

Shortcut through therapy

There are several stress experts who have written books. One of them is Dr. Richard Carlson, who authored the best selling-books “You Can Be Happy No Matter What” and “You Can Feel Good Again.” Check below some of his helpful tips, which actually may already be practiced by you:

• Everyday tell at least one person something you like, admire or appreciate about them.

• Spend a moment everyday thinking of someone to thank.

• Write down your five most stubborn positions and see if you can soften them.

• Just for fun, agree with criticism directed towards you (then watch it go away).

• Read articles and books with entirely different points of view from your own and try to learn something.

• If someone throws you the ball, you don’t have to catch it.

• Think of what you have instead of what you want.

Petty burdens

The best strategy is constant PRAYER. Without it, we may never be able to permanently remove the cobwebs in our life.

“My child, come for a few moments, for a quiet talk. You are finding each day how easy a thing is to bring all your problems to Me. You are also finding how small most of them are. Each day they seem to gather. By no law shall man be free from gathering these petty burdens, but you will find as you constantly turn to Me, following the plan I have given you, that larger problems and greater distressing things shall have no place in your life. As small weed of worry and fret are kept out of your mental garden, the rhythm of your life will be soon in tune to My Divine Rhythm, that all your affairs shall flow smoothly and in true law and order.”

(Quiet Talks with the Master, Eva Bell Weber)