Love in the time of homophobia

MANILA, Philippines - God will heal you,” his mother likes to tell him.

“It’s not a sickness, Mom,” he’d reply.

“Basta, God will heal you.”

Rico (not his real name) is a gay man who was born to conservative Christian church leaders. Not much was said when he came out to his parents, but a couple of months later his dad told him that his mother cried about it for two weeks. To date they have had countless theological arguments about his sexuality—Bible verses, literal interpretations, and applying context, you name it.

“Every time I come home late and I don’t tell them where I went, they assume that I went out with somebody. They’re always checking up. Where are you? You’re not home. How come you didn’t tell us where you are? That makes me roll my eyes. Sometimes I’m just having a late night business dinner, or I’m with a friend, or whatever. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever received a message from them while I was out on a date,” he laughs.

“One of my commitments is to not hide anything from my parents. I’ve always told them about my past relationships, even though I knew they didn’t want to hear about it. It came to a point when my mom just told me straight out, ‘I don’t want to hear about it. Just don’t tell me.’ I couldn’t introduce any of my boyfriends to her.”

Meeting the parents

As Rico’s friends, we were familiar with the homophobic exchanges he has had at home. So prior to meeting his parents when he invited us to his house for his birthday, you can imagine we already had preconceived notions.

Upon arriving, I found them in the kitchen, busily cooking up the food and actively serving the dishes to us at the table, telling us what mixed with what. His brother aesthetically plated a serving of steak salad and served it to him with a flourish. At first I found it slightly uncomfortable how involved they were. I was used to hiding from parents who didn’t understand, whether mine or my friends’. But here they were, catering to us despite their helpers, and trying their best to stay out of the way at the same time. They also came up with one party game for their adult son, handing out simple presents to us, from boxes of Swiss Miss to plastic water jugs.

When their little game had concluded, they stood in front of us and gave a short, informal speech. I don’t remember most of it, except the part where they said, “We would like to thank you for being true friends to our son,” and how we could tell that they really did appreciate that he had us. They were unintentionally the cutest. And long after they had left us alone and gone up to sleep, it filled us with warmth and made one of our lesbian friends (who had her own conservative parental issues) cry. She muttered something about drowning in love and not even realizing it.

That encounter had pretty much everything to do with why I sought Rico out for an interview. Because the “God will change you” declarations were real, and so was his birthday party and the boxes of Swiss Miss. I also found it interesting how he liked laugh and say of his parents, “We have a great relationship. We fight all the time!”

Living the life he wants

        “It is a constant, day to day juggling act. There are no fixed solutions for that,” Rico says of balancing their relationship and living his life the way he wants it. “It’s something that’s created every day.”

When asked if he ever wished for cooler, more liberal parents, he answers, “No. I wished my parents were cooler and more liberal, but I didn’t wish for other parents.”

Did he think they would ever understand and accept his sexuality? “I’m committed that they do, but I don’t pin my future on the hope that they will. One thing that I’ve come to realize is that people really have different world views, and sometimes these world views are very set and hard to change. But if you had a certain world view and you didn’t live true to it, you would be betraying your principles.”

“So you’re ok with that? Even if their world view involves thinking that something is fundamentally wrong with you?” I ask.

“I’m committed that their world view shifts. And if their world view shifts, it would be appropriate for them to not fight me about it. But if their world view doesn’t shift, I don’t want them to stop fighting me about it. Because that would mean that they’re lying to themselves and betraying their principles. And if their world view doesn’t shift and they just become quiet about it, it would mean that they gave up on me. You get the difference? I’m committed their world view shifts, but until that shifts, they need to stay true to it, and they need to fight me about it.”

Living with the enemy

I asked him what he learned from living with people whom the LGBT community and allies like to mercilessly bludgeon as homophobic, heartless, stupid, and backward. What happens when you get such people as parents; parents whom you love, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it?

“One thing I’ve observed in my own life is that when one gets positional about a certain issue, that’s when people get stuck in their positions, when conflicts arise, and that’s usually when there’s a deadlock. I’ve discovered that what makes a bigger difference in any conflict is just to listen, and to see why the other side thinks it is right. When people listen, they’re often automatically checking whether they agree or disagree. If you agree, you side with them. If you disagree, you oppose them. But there is another way of listening, which is listening just to get—being willing to listen to what they have to say. And I find that when there are more people listening just to get, some conflicts disappear, or sometimes even when conflicts don’t disappear, something else is possible. With my parents, I realized it wasn’t about not fighting. It was just hearing the love underneath the fighting.”

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