MANILA, Philippines - The election of the first African-American President five years ago was the shared fulfilment of the dreams of Martin Luther King Jr., Oprah Winfrey, and, not surprisingly, a significant portion of the Filipino population. While we’ve been electing politicians from a wide array of colors, genders, races, and species (crocs and pigs), it was a big deal for our American counterparts to finally put a member of the black American race to the highest chair in the land and, by default, the rest of the Western world.
We at Supreme are taking advantage of this trend to dream big and to get exactly what you want. So here now is the fulfilment of our wish for the dream interview for all journalists, fan girls and fan boys, and just about any other small fry who longs to talk to someone powerful and important: we interview US President Barrack Obama… in our dreams.
Supreme: Without further ado, President Obama — yes or no — are you visiting the Philippines to help rid us of the threat of the Chinese raiding our islands?
US President Barrack Obama: That’s a good question. But before I answer that, let me first break it down for you: the United States of America has always believed in the values of democracy, of free will, and of the development of each and every individual, regardless of their race, gender, or standing. While we believe in the tenets of peace and mutual respect among nations, we also believe in respecting your country’s jurisdiction and will only resort to using arms when the atrocities of terrorism occur and if the UN Security Council agrees that it is lawful.
S: But they are currently harassing our ships because they seem to have found a large deposit of oil underneath Scarborough Shoal. Doesn’t that count for some sort of red flag?
PBO: Oh, did you say oil? Like I said (coughs) we are currently working hand in hand with your President, Noynoy, in equipping your country with US military technology and knowhow. Pretty soon, we’ll be back in Subic and it will be just like the old days.
S: Like Parity Rights, new tariff laws, US bases, illicit cross-continental love affairs, etc.?
PBO: Even better! I’m surprised you know a lot about history. The only history kids these days know is their phone’s browsing history! (Laughs)
S: Well, it’s not hard to see that we, Filipinos, are very much enamoured by you Americans. Our local twitterverse even celebrates #ThanksgivingDay with you yearly.
PBO: Well, Thanksgiving Day is a true American tradition that we’d love to celebrate with the world.
S: Last year’s Thanksgiving weekend coincided with Andres Bonifacio Day, so maybe we really celebrated it with you.
PBO: Who’s Andres Bonifacio?
S: Well — if you must ask, Mr. President — he was one of our heroes who fought hard for our independence from the Spaniards. He was betrayed and was killed by our own countrymen.
PBO: Well, that’s unfortunate.
S: Yeah. Well, he would’ve died anyway since you guys bought us for $10 million from Spain and then started a war against us. (Laughs)
PBO: (Laughs) Well, ain’t it good to be out of those dark days? Now, the tune we’d like to sing is that everybody’s happy — everybody believes in the US and the power of dreams. This is the product of a century’s worth of hard work and cooperation of America and the Philippine Islands. As I have said, this is the mutual respect America stands for. We’re free to put up our monetary institutions, our bases, and advise you as big brother on the decisions your country makes and you, likewise, can do the same for us. The mutual defense treaty’s core is exactly that — both countries on equal footing, helping each other get to that singular goal of progress and liberalization.
S: That’s nice to hear, Mr. President. But how exactly do you guys benefit from us?
PBO: Let me see. Well, I was in California the other week and I tasted one of your Jollibee burgers. It’s better than the ones we make, really. (Laughs)
S: Well, you know what they say, Mr. President: When the US sneezes, it’s the Philippines that catches the cold. So, maybe this time, we can make you sick with our fastfood burgers! (Laughs)
PBO: Fastfood’s our national pastime. You shouldn’t worry about us! (Laughs)
S: After all that’s been said, what now are your future plans for our countries’ ties?
PBO: As it was a hundred years ago, we return to the roots of Benevolent Assimilation. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from working with Filipinos, it’s that there is always something we can do for each other. While we gave you your educational system, you gave us Benguet gold to fill Fort Knox with. While we gave you your government structure and your civil service systems, you gave us the free hand to try out economic protectionist laws that last decades. While we paved the way for your President Ferdinand Marcos to loan truckloads freely from our lending institutions, you guys gave us Ninoy and Cory Aquino to foster unconditional love for the American race. While we provide you with the jobs your government can’t provide, you — naturally and willingly — give us the doctors, nurses, writers, scientists and academics to work for us. This is the century-old love affair that we’ve had with the Philippines and I don’t see this love ever dying. Ma-hal na ma-hal ko kayo.