You see, there are two types of women: simple marry-able kinds and me, the kind that fathers would barter for cigars. But no apologies, I am what I am and despite the limitations of my meager bank account and my Chihuahua’s trust fund, I will make do and be fab in any way I can.
So as I wonder and scheme, I notice that my sunless tan is streaking itself to acid trip proportions. My leg looks like a Paul Smith pattern, defeated again by economics. You see, there are many things that rich people do (I mean rich in European and NY proportions) that we simple folk can do as well.
Despite the gastronomic feasts that are ready for any butter-colored-locked socialite or heiress, a Spartan diet of coffee and cigarettes seems to be a mainstay for this hostess with the mostest. As variations, you have mineral water, caviar, truffled asparagus and sashimi (not sushi). The caviar and truffle might be a bit steep but the starvation aspect of posh eating is something any poser can do beautifully. For those less vigilant but still covet the abs of an ingenue on speed, Atkins is the word.
Although the results of my carb embargo have been a mix of wow (from my fight gay friends) and oh (from family who have not yet appreciated the sad socialite look), my new size zero frame has been the work of the late Dr. Atkins (who died because he fell, not because of the diet). Although I think a thank you is enough when people smack me around congratulating me on my new twiggy self, I feel compelled to spread the gospel.
Atkins is a high-protein diet that allows you to have your steak and eat it, too. Although you are recommended to stay on the diet for only two to three weeks since it can be taxing on the liver and kidneys, one must be accustomed to the new ways of living on a carb-light diet. The first few days you are likely to see stars as I feel a bit of a drop in my energy level. Carbs and sugar are the energy bunnies and while you’re on this diet, these two will not see the light of day. Trips to the loo become fewer and farther between since your body is getting used to your new trip.
A trip to the doctor is recommended when one is about to embark for the protein-rich island. This is not for everyone. Check cholesterol levels and general health. There is no point in being svelte when you are dead.
I notice that the loss of carbs can sometimes mean the loss of personality. While in Boracay over the summer my friends and I decided to commit to our fave DOM (Dr. Atkins). While we were fully aware of what bores we have all become, screeching at the sight of any grain, counting the mangoes we have eaten and hogging all the prawns that we could (but ironically enough not care about our alcohol intake which is, of course, the heart and soul of carbs and sugar). There was one very "afraid" instance where we were eating at Aria, Juan Elizalde’s Italian resto famous for its wood-fired pizzas, my Atkins amigas and I scraped the toppings off the pizza and left the crusts piled on top of each other. I guess you could call it the leaning tower of pizza.
That was perhaps the summit of our insanity brought about by carb withdrawal and a real bad case of vanity. It could be very painful, thrusting yourself in a state of vertigo and self-denial. Yes, it was summer and all real concerns went out the window. It was all about us and our waistlines.
After a while you can add 20g of carbs into your diet. A cup of rice, a slice of bread or a baby serving of pasta. Then you finally commit to 40g forever. But here’s the catch: You have to make like a Spike Lee joint and say no to white bread, white rice, white pasta, or refined sugar. Whole wheat is your new friend whether you like it or not.
Some stuff to note is that you should now get accustomed to having whole milk instead of skim in your Starbucks, fruit juice is the enemy but fruit isn’t (fiber is forever a friend) and do not overdo it. As we know, greed is one of our overriding sins and as you go on the diet, you may feel the glee of a beauty pageant winner as you shake off five to six pounds in the first week. But yes, that is the devil at work and you must resist and stop when it’s time. My friend overdid it and spotted blood – and I must say it wasn’t from any S&M act the night before! This could be very taxing on your body!
As any sensible person will tell you, exercise is key. I whole-wheatedly agree! But of course my agreement is limited to just that – an agreement. I mean, I’ve gone as far as buying exercise gear from Nuala by Puma and Juicy Couture, but well my whole Olivia Newton John phase was only unfortunately up to there. I guess I’m just all about the look...oh well!
So I say nay to speed dolls because only eccentric is cute. Crazy doesn’t quite make the cut. Lose weight but don’t lose your mind now. There are still many hearts to break!