Okay, calm down. I am not going to buy a gun to shoot myself. I will not jump off the 35th floor of some building. I will not slash my wrists and bleed to death. I am not depressed and suicidal. Those of you who sent texts showing concern over my emotional state, thank you, but you are wrong. I am a happy person, sometimes churlish or sungit, but not clinically depressed ever and certainly not suicidal. So you can forget about your concerns.
I write a column about death and am amazed at the response. Almost as many as the response to the StemEnhance column and projecting various emotional states. I must say — so everybody knows — that the emotional state projected is that of the texter. I wrote that I was comfortable with death and so I am ready to go any time. In my view that is a healthy feeling. No one knows when s/he will die. That depends on God. He can summon you sooner or later. I just feel it practical to be ready. After I spoke to Dolly Perez, who once died, and she said it was a wonderful experience, well, hey, I am even more ready. But I know I have to wait until God calls me. So I live my life calmly but happily doing what it asks for daily and that’s the way it’s going to be until God calls.
Why are we so afraid of death? We seem to look at it as the end of everything. That’s how I looked at it when I was much younger. My grandmother died and I felt I could not reach her anymore. That was sad. But after she died I dreamt of her and she talked to me in my dreams. To this day I talk to her. I remember the big black narra dresser that she had painted black and my cousins and I playing, making faces at each other in the mirror, sometimes turning off the lights and using flashlights to scare each other more. I remember playing with her on her bed when I was around two years old. I remember living with her and how kind she was when I was almost 22 years old. I remember much about her and she continues to be alive in my memory. Maybe when she died she went to another world and became another person but she — the grandmother I knew — will always be alive in me.
All the people — relatives, lovers, and friends — who died we remember until we ourselves die and join them. That means they stay alive for us but they just go to another world, another field. We just cannot physically touch them anymore but we can remember how good it was to be with them and that always brings a smile to our faces. Sometimes it even makes us laugh. So we should not be so sad when somebody dies. We do not lose touch.
Why are you so afraid that when I die you will have nothing to read? Someone will pick up all my columns and compile them into books. You can read those. Writing is just a small part of my life. I do it once a week. I sit at my computer on Tuesday or Wednesday and write any old thing that crosses my mind. Then I e-mail it to the newspaper and that’s the end of that. Sometimes I write at the office, other times at home. Usually it takes me about an hour to write my column. It used to take me four hours. When I began to teach writing it reduced my writing time to about an hour to an hour-and-a-half max.
Let me tell you a few secrets about my writing. I write personal essays, pieces from my experience, excerpts from my life. But I always make sure there is a universal truth in it, something that makes it true or false for almost everyone. That way when someone else reads it, s/he relates to it. Yes, I know how she feels, is how you feel when you read me. My experience, shared with you, brings out your feelings on the subject.
I write this way because when I wanted to turn myself into a columnist I looked at the universe of columnists in the Philippines. Everybody was writing about politics. I hated politics. So I decided to write about my life but always with a universal truth. In the beginning the other columnists were shocked. But now — look how many other columnists write about their personal lives, proving that there is lots of validity in personal experience.
Do I always expose my secrets? No. You just think I do. I used to put my e-mail address in but I had to change that when I got hacked. So I don’t want to put my e-mail address in anymore. I put my cell phone in because I want to see how my readers react to what I write. You see, I used to work in advertising and how readers take my column is always essential to me.
To those of you who panicked because you thought I would die soon, calm down. Maybe I will not but there’s nothing we can do about the time of my death. That is out of our control. Let me loose. Set me free. I will continue to live in your memory. Thank you for feeling that way. For those of you who commended me, thank you also. For those of you who accused me of being unfriendly, I know when you want to use me as a steppingstone to your own future. I am too old for that. For those of you who offered me biblical advice, religious comfort, church recommendations and last-minute appointments with a lady whom you thought might help me — please don’t waste your time. I have my own religion and I like to keep that away from anyone’s intrusion. Forget your dreams of converting me.
Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go to the supermarket. Then I have to crochet my quota for the day. I am making myself a beautiful blouse but I must do a pattern a day to finish it for my birthday. Then I will watch TV and finally sleep after reading a little from a book. That’s my life. It’s a bit boring, maybe even like yours, but it is my life now and there is really nothing for you to worry about. I am happy waiting for God to call.
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