DEAR EPPY,
I am 48 years old and all my children are grown-ups. The eldest has been working for two years now; my second child graduated college last year; and my third child will graduate two years from now.
My goal in life is to see my last child graduate. When she graduates, I know that all my children will be okay. I know that they will have their jobs and they can support themselves. Knowing this, I feel I will have the strength to leave my husband who I have been with for 24 years now.
I want to leave my husband because I cannot take his insults anymore. He never fails to make me feel bad. He is very controlling and when I make a mistake, he makes sure I would feel bad even if I already regretted making the mistake. There are times when I want to go out with my friends, but he would complain about how insensitive I am because I would leave him alone at home. He makes me feel guilty that I am having fun out with my friends while he is alone.
Can you help me understand why my husband is that way? FORGIVING WIFE
DEAR FORGIVING WIFE,
I suspect your husband is a wife batterer. That is, he constantly abuses you. Wife batterers isolate their partners from family members and friends. Batterers are controlling and claim that the only reason they hurt their partners is because they deserve it because victims act in ways that irritate the wife batterer.
According to the PT Staff (Psychology Today), the wives of wife batterers usuallly will not leave. They say it is difficult to explain, but the women have difficulty leaving their husbands because they feel that the only way for them to leave is when the partner has changed. The partner will never change.
I don’t think you will ever leave your husband. Even if your third daughter has graduated, you will still stick it out with your husband. You need help. Seek a good professional who can help you and guide you towards liberation from your dependency on your husband.
Allow me to give you a wider perspective on abusive people. Abusers aren’t just partners. Abusers can be parents, siblings, friends, teachers, doctors, religious leaders, etc. It is difficult to spot an abuser. They can be anyone. Some of them can be popular with others outside of the home. No one knows they are abusers except those leaving with him or her.
The result of abusers’ behavior is people close to them feel imprisoned. Abusers justify hurting others by thinking that they were hurt by their victims. Thus, in the abusers’ minds, they are the real victims. This makes them think it is right to behave the way they do, but if others follow what they want, then they wouldn’t have to behave that way. They do not see that they are the ones who abuse others.
How are battered wives and batterers created? They are created the same way. They are created right after they’re born. Culture, religion, and family belief systems create them. Culture and religion can be used and abused so they can use it against others. For example, the verse from Proverb 13:24 “.... He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.” This is modified to: “Spare the rod, spoil the child,” which is understood as, “it is right to hit a child.” Then here comes the abuser who hits his child again and again. The abuser now claims, “... Because he is my child, I have the right to hit him, or curse him.” Right or wrong, that way of treating children will produce children who will be abusers one day or play another role, that is, to be a victim as an adult (the battered).
Parents may discipline their children, but disciplining does not mean it is acceptable to abuse a child. EPPY
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Email eppygochangco@gmail.com.