‘Is it normal for a married woman to fantasize having sex with another man?’

DEAR EPPY,

I have been married 20 years and have three children. As I am past the menopausal stage, sex has become perfunctory to me. My husband feels it and has shown his disappointment. I am afraid he might seek passionate sex somewhere else unless I ignite the old fire in me.

Former classmates and cousins have said that is true of their sex life as well. What some of them suggest is that I add spice to those marital encounters by fantasizing having sex with someone who in my younger years had sexually excited me — a former suitor, an old heartthrob, or any man whose good looks had caused a tingle down there.

In my first job, I was smitten with “Juan,” the handsome son of the owner of the company I was working for. Like the young 21-year-old girl just out of an exclusive girls’ school that I was, I fantasized the young US-educated man being smitten with me, courting me ardently, and marrying me. Yes, I did fantasize being deflowered by him on our wedding night. The sad fact was that he never even glanced at me when a number of guys in the office were scrambling to invite me to lunch or merienda after office hours.   I guessed “Juan” was above being attracted to a rank-and-file employee of the family’s business empire.

Thoughts of him pop into mind nowadays because he has been in the papers recently as he now runs the business empire and just got married to a celebrity 25 years his junior, his first marriage having hit the rocks early.  He is as handsome and debonair as 20 years ago.  

One night, when I sensed my husband wanted sex, I heeded the suggestion of classmates and cousins by fantasizing I was in bed with “Juan.” The fantasy was so vivid that at the point of climax, I blurted out his name. Wonder of wonders, my husband never asked me about “Juan.” 

Could his own orgasm been so intense that his sense of hearing was numbed? Or maybe he thinks nothing of my thinking of someone else during sex because he does it himself?  Or could he now be suspecting I am having an affair with Fred and is now watching my every move and sleuthing around trying to find out who Fred is? Fortunately, I have no business dealing with anybody named Fred and none of my old classmates and cousins is married to a Fred.

Also, is it normal for a married woman to be fantasizing having sex with a man not her husband as my classmates and cousins seem to imply? Does mental adultery have moral and psychological implications?                  MRS. FANTASY 

DEAR MRS. FANTASY,

Your questions about your husband not hearing the name may be rephrased, thus: Could it be that you were so involved in your fantasy that you thought you actually verbalized “Juan’s” name even if you did not?  Could it be that your guilt about fantasizing sexual acts with “Juan” makes you generate scenarios that make it look like your husband is secretly trying to find out if you are having an affair with someone?  Or could it be that you crave for your husband to be jealous to spice up your married life?

The question “Does mental adultery have moral and psychological implications?” is difficult to answer because adultery is a behavior and a social act (interaction).  That is, a judgment can only occur when a behavior is observed.  Therefore, human being “A” can observe an act by human being “B” only if “B” acts it out.  Thus, adultery can only occur if human being “A” sees human being “B” having sex with another human being and both human beings are married.  The act of having sex with another is a social act that MUST be seen by an observer.  Following this rationale, mental adultery is non-existent.  

Let us rephrase your question to: “Does fantasizing about another man having sex with me imply psychological problems and immorality?”  I don’t know about the immoral part, but based on the study of Lisa Pelletier and Edward Herold, women will fantasize during sex.  If a woman is single, her fantasies are about her boyfriend and her future husband.  However, when she gets married, her fantasies change.  The fantasies in their minds are about other men.  So, it is normal for you to enjoy sex while fantasizing about other men.  

In the study of J. Kenneth Davidson Sr. and Linda E. Hoffman, it is reported that other researchers have the opinion that it is natural for people to have sexual fantasies.  Thus, sexual fantasies are normal.  Davidson and Hoffman also reported that sexual fantasy does not have a negative connotation.  Rather, sexual fantasies are healthy for human beings. They also said that sexual fantasies help in achieving sexual arousal.

To conclude, you are still normal and fantasizing about other men does not mean there is a psychological problem.     EPPY

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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.