DEAR EPPY,
I am 39 years old, separated without children because my ex-husband has azoospermia (no sperm count). We separated because of his cheating. At one point, I just had enough of his cheating and wanted to take revenge. I was so angry at him that I said hurtful words. We have been separated for five years now. At the moment, I am not in a relationship.
Right now, I have this problem. When a man shows me he has romantic intentions, without thinking I would encourage him through text messaging until such time that the man becomes disrespectful towards me.
There is this type of men that I exchange text messages with. And I also allow these men to have sex with me. These men are womanizers. They just cheat all the time. Then when I’m tired of them, I just stop seeing them. Hence, now I feel that I don’t love myself. I feel so ashamed of myself.
A couple of years ago, I entertained the advances of a married man whose wife was pregnant. I met this man in the church organization I go to. We started exchanging text messages. The messages were at first playful exchanges. Later, they became sexual messages. We agreed to meet up and make our text messages real. But I didn’t show up for our agreement. He got mad and to take revenge, he made his wife read all my sexual text messages to him. His wife came to my house and attacked me by slapping my face. And then she showed my text messages to other members of the church organization we go to. I still attended the church meetings even if I was so embarrassed. But the other church members treated me differently, so I left.
I think I need to do something about myself. What can I do to help myself? I might go crazy. I know I am immature. Please help me. MAN TEASER
DEAR MAN TEASER,
One thing I notice about women whose husbands have cheated on them is that they exhibit signs of trauma. When I was taking clinical psychology under my professor, the Philippines’ renowned clinical child psychologist, Dr. Honey Carandang, we were introduced to the book of Judith Lewis Herman. Dr. Herman is a psychiatrist who has devoted her time to the study of incest and traumatic stress. She wrote the book Trauma and Recovery. In her book, she spoke about manifestations of trauma. When trauma happens, the person experiences hyper-arousal, which makes a person constantly alert in order to survive. The person going through trauma feels that the danger will come again. These people have problems sleeping, and they easily get startled and irritated under little provocations.
Even after the traumatic experience has ended, the person constantly sees the scene of the traumatic event in his/her mind. It’s as if the event comes alive again and again. However, I notice that some individuals who go through this are not aware that they see the scene repeating in their minds. These experiences happen again and again through imaginary senses. This is called Intrusion. No matter what they do, the imagination haunts them. That is why wives who are cheated on always see in their minds that their husbands are caressing their women or going to a place even if the wives haven’t seen the actual events.
The self-esteem of the traumatized person goes haywire and to cope, she suddenly becomes numb. Reality is not seen the way normal people see reality. For example, they are not aware that people get hurt with their actions the way you hurt other couples by seducing a man.
Traumatized people disconnect themselves from the world. The survivor of trauma then manifests uncontrollable anger. Intimacy becomes a problem. They seek out intimacy, then drop it like a hot potato. Then they go through humiliation, guilt, and helplessness. They feel vulnerable. Yet, later, they overcome this experience.
As I was reading your letter, I can’t help but notice that your story is similar to the description of symptoms of trauma. The only difference is that you have not mentioned anything that will describe hyper-arousal or intrusion. But I’m sure if I interviewed you, you would have described these two symptoms.
It is clear that your wanting to take revenge on your husband is the rage or uncontrollable anger that I mentioned. You have intimacy problems because you toy with men who are exactly like your husband. You don’t feel for them. You approach them, but let go of them after awhile. Finally, you put yourself in a situation where you are shamed, making you feel bad about yourself. Now you feel helpless and ask someone to help you do something about your problem. It fits you to a T, right?
You have been traumatized by your husband’s betrayal. Let’s psychoanalyze you. This trauma makes you want to feel victorious by putting yourself in a situation where you will win. But by doing this, it becomes a paradox. You want to take revenge on your husband by taking revenge on all men who cheat. This is why you choose to sleep with men who like cheating on a lot of women and then make them feel bad by rejecting them. You punish the “seductress†who seduced your husband by being the “seductress.†So you put yourself in a situation where people shame you. This is where the paradox comes in. By being shamed, you have punished the seductress. Unfortunately, you are the one who is shamed. Your “win†is also your “loss.â€
I recommend you seek professional help. A mental health professional will help you go through the process of healing. The process involves: establishing safety so you’ll feel safe again in a relationship; helping you reconstruct your traumatic story so your intrusive thoughts stop; and helping you connect with the world again because right now, you can’t connect with anyone. You can’t even connect with a woman. By healing, your self-esteem comes back and the need to take revenge will stop. You know you’re already okay when you don’t have the need to seduce men and punish them. Instead, you will be able to relate with men in a loving way. EPPY
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E-mail eppygochangco@gmail.com.