Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. — Winston Churchill
A friend of mine asked how I was doing with my marriage as my husband and I approach our 16th wedding anniversary. I told her that at this point in our lives, I could honestly say that I feel more excited about my marriage. After having had quite an intense discussion with my husband the other night about an issue I have against him, I realized that we have actually gotten better at settling arguments. By just having the right positive and not vindictive attitude, my husband listened to my heart and at the right time expressed his point of view and then we capped the night on a romantic note. Very early on in our marriage, Anthony assured me that he would listen to anything that I wanted to say to him and that he would give me whatever I requested for as long as I told him those things at the right place and at the right time. For such a long time, I struggled to find out when the perfect time was or where it was appropriate to tell him something. I guess it’s difficult for a woman to decipher such things because we tend to be so emotional than rational like most of the men I know. So now, I have a better idea about how to make my emotions think and it makes me look forward to many more years of togetherness.
I have seen this as a recurring theme in any relationship: Attitude is everything. Famous American writer and theologian Charles Swindoll says he is convinced that life is 10% of what happens to him and 90% of how he reacts to it, and asserts that we are all in charge of our attitude. Every time my children’s misbehavior gets the better of me and I start to think that my temper is justified, my husband reminds me that my focus should not really be what happens to me but rather what happens in me and how I choose my next move. When I lose my temper over something that could’ve been calmly explained so that my children can understand what proper behavior is, I miss the point of teaching them how they should behave. When my children obey me or comply with my rules simply because I am their mother, then they are missing the point of the matter.
I want my children to comply simply because they believe it is the right thing to do that gives them and their parents pleasure. I certainly cannot teach them how to willingly obey by instilling fear or forcing them to do things because they are the right things to do. I must begin with the right attitude of showing them the way and guiding them along the way. I must make sure that the consequences I give for their wrong behavior are not given as punishments that crush their spirit but rather as warning signs to help point them to the right direction. The Bible says, “Train up a child in the way that he should go so that when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
I remember growing up in the ’70s when children were better seen than heard. We always showed our best behavior especially during a gathering where there were guests so as not to embarrass our parents. We were not allowed to speak unless asked and certainly obeyed our parents’ instructions without grumbling or stomping our feet. Children nowadays are more vocal and able to express how they feel so it shows even in the ways they express disapproval or discontent. I’ve had my share of going ballistic over seeing anyone of my children roll their eyes when they are not in the mood to get something done or stomp their feet when they have been reprimanded for doing something wrong. I realize that my outbursts do not solve the problem though. They just make it worse. Today, I have tried a different tactic and I have seen that compliance become automatic and lasting it comes in the form of compassion. Since I have changed my attitude from being a demanding mother, requiring obedience from her children, to a more compassionate mother who desires to help shape her children’s attitude for the better, there has been more peace here at home.
I have taken note of the areas where we often collide and made a choice to approach those areas differently. For example, when one of my children does his/her chores grudgingly, I simply request for the chore to be done over and over for as long as it takes to bring out the best behavior to get the chore done. The sooner the joy of doing that chore comes out, the faster the chore gets done. Food will be served only to people who approach the dining table with thankfulness and gladness. If there are issues to settle, the people involved must not join us so that we could have a nice meal. If we have nothing positive to say to one another, we must keep our mouths shut. I have also applied coaching techniques like allowing my children to speak kindly to me to remind me to calm down when they see my blood pressure starting to rise with the way I speak or act and I do the same thing to them.
I notice also that when I spend the most time loving and looking after the child that seems to create the most trouble in the home, there is more harmony at home. The more I speak kindly, the more things get done. The more I raise my voice, the less compliance I receive.
So you see, a little change in our attitudes makes a whole lot of difference. What area in your life are you struggling with? It starts with a choice. We can all learn a lot from MJ and his song, Man in the Mirror — take a look at yourself and make that change, yeah!
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E-mail author atmommymaricel@gmail.com.