John En Marsha was one of the most popular and enduring sitcoms in Philippine television history. It starred comedy king Dolphy as John Purontong with the late Nida Blanca as John’s wife Marsha. It ran every week for 17 years and each show always ended with John’s millionaire mother-in-law Doña Delilah, superbly played by Dely Atay-Atayan, loudly belittling John’s capabilities as a breadwinner and father with her famous line “Kaya ikaw John, magsumikap ka!” (That is why John, you have to strive harder!) But although John and Doña Delilah always seemed to be arguing, they both managed to show their genuine affection towards each other through their hilarious insults.
It occurred to me, however, what if the show was entitled Marsha En John and Doña Delilah was Marsha’s mother-in-law instead of John’s? Instead of a comedy, we would likely either have a tearjerker drama, a la Flor de Luna, or a made-for-TV war or horror movie! Unfortunately for wives, relations with their mothers-in-law may often be a different genre altogether. Particularly in cultures like that of the Philippines, the attitude of some mothers is not “lose a son, gain a daughter” but rather “keep my son, your wife can get lost!” Perhaps the Oedipus complex that Freud so famously theorized may have something to do with it. On the other hand, some wives cannot find anything good with their so-called “monsters-in-law.” And before husbands start thanking their lucky stars for being out of the firing line, think again. Do you really want the task of constantly trying to prevent two female Terminators from destroying each other (and you as collateral damage)?
I hope that you are not misled by my trying to inject some humor into all of this. I’m doing so only because I know that this subject is still largely taboo for many Filipinos. And while many of the horror stories about wives and their mothers-in-law may indeed be exaggerated, the problems are rooted in real and actual grievances. This is probably why some readers had asked me to comment on this issue. I am hesitant as I am not an expert in this subject matter. For one thing, I am lucky in that my wife and my parents have always gotten along very well. I also knew I hit the parents-in-law jackpot early on when I found myself playing hooky from work one day just so that I could watch a movie with them. Be that as it may, what if I had an alternate self in a parallel universe who was wrestling with this problem and crying out to me through the cosmos for help? If I was then somehow given the power to bend light and travel to that dimension, what advice would I give my poor twin and my duplicate wife and mom?
To my “mini-me,” you are no longer momma’s boy! In the absence of any serious mitigating circumstances (like belatedly finding out that your wife is a serial killer or is criminally insane), as a husband, your first loyalty is now to your wife. As hard as it may be, try to live on your own — not so much as to “escape,” but so as to give both of you the opportunity to truly grow as a couple and become a family. “Living on your own” does not necessarily mean sleeping in a different house (though ideally so) but in maintaining a reasonable level of independence in all things. Keep your eyes open and observe the womenfolk. Find out for yourself what’s happening with your wife and mom (and dad), and don’t be an ostrich with your head stuck underground. Above all, always keep your cool, and even if they can’t seem to learn to make peace with each other, never give up on the two women of your life.
To my duplicate wife, loving and taking care of my double is the best way to gain the respect of his mom. Be patient with her if only because whatever good you saw in my twin is due, in large part, to how she raised him. Remember that by marrying him, the commandment “Honor your father and mother” now covers not just your own parents but his parents as well. If problems develop, don’t let things get out of hand before privately telling your husband how you feel. Always do so, however, in an honest, calm, and objective manner. Please don’t drag him into arguments between yourself and his mom (I can hear his anguish echoing in space). Neither should you compare your parents with his parents or your family with his family; for unless it is prompted by genuine praise of his family, it may lead to a minefield of unwanted arguments. Oh, and by the way, grandparents have earned the right to spoil their grandchildren so just plot your revenge with your own apos in the future. Above all, always think before you speak, bite your tongue, and realize that amicable agreements can only be reached by holding mature adult discussions.
To my replica mom, whatever happens, you will always remain my twin’s mother. No one can ever take that away from you, no one. Husbands may divorce their wives, but boys can never forsake their mothers. Thank you for taking care of my double all these years, but he is already an adult. Only by letting go can you now help him grow up to be a real man. Afford him the dignity of asking for help rather than offering it all the time. Do not preach or lecture. Instead, simply make suggestions and give them the freedom to decide on their own. No one is perfect, but be honest and generous with praise with daughter-in-law. Oh, and there really is no need to discuss your complaints about her with other people. Why not talk directly to her in a calm, objective, and honest manner? Above all, always keep your blood pressure down; though sometimes you may feel that she’s not doing things “right,” be content with the thought that by respecting your son’s wife, you honor him. In the end, she is not a rival who has stolen your son because real love is multiplication and not division.
Finally, to the three of you, let me share this wonderful story I heard before (and which I have modified a bit).
There was once a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law who hated each other with a passion. Not a day passed that they did not fight or argue. It got to a point where they could not stand it anymore so that they both decided to poison each other. The daughter-in-law secretly went to an old Chinese herbalist whom she thought would be sympathetic to her plight. After quietly listening to her, the old man gave her an herb which he said was a slow-release poison that would be hard to detect. It should take 30 days for the poison to take effect. He told her to serve her mother-in-law her favorite dishes laced with the herb. In order to avoid suspicion, he also told her to prepare the dishes herself and to be nice to her mother-in-law. By chance, the mother-in-law also went to the same herbalist. The old man sighed and gave her a bag containing some powdered herb. He told the mother-in-law to prepare her daughter-in-law’s favorite juice every morning and to mix the powder with it. He said that it was a hard-to-detect poison that would take 30 days to work. In order to avoid suspicion, he also told her to serve it herself and to be nice to her daughter-in-law. Both women followed the herbalist’s instructions to the letter. Strangely, however, their relationship changed after a few weeks and they grudgingly started to like each other. It improved so much that as the 30th day approached, they got stricken by their conscience and tearfully confessed to each other. They ran to the herbalist and asked for an antidote to the poison he gave them. The old man solemnly looked at them and shook his head. He was sorry he said, but it was irreversible — the “poison” that he gave them was the poison of love.
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